Four Years
December 26, 2013 at 10:48 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 11 CommentsTags: anniversaries, baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, new not so normal, perspective, Sad, Sawyer
Four years ago today is the date on Sawyer’s death certificate. Evan and I last held him on December 25th. My mind knows that time has passed. Sawyer is dead today and he will be gone tomorrow too. However, my broken heart wishes I could go back to when I took this picture and change the ending of Sawyer’s story. I have no words tonight for how much I miss that little guy.
The last picture taken of Sawyer – 12/25/09
Wherever you are. . .
December 24, 2013 at 9:34 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer
Dear Sawyer,
The book, Wherever You Are: My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman says it best:
“I wanted you more than you ever will know,
so I sent love to follow wherever you go.”
I hope that wherever you are, my love has found you and that you know how much you are loved. I miss you so very much.
Fun Friday with Food
December 20, 2013 at 5:44 pm | Posted in Grief, twins | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, happy, holidays, marshmallow dreidels, new not so normal, recipes, teacher gifts, teensy gingerbread houses, twins
Grieving during the holidays is complicated, so I am continuing my search for the happy. The other week we made some Hanukkah treats (they were practice for making them with each of the twins’ 1st grade classes). First, we made marshmallow dreidels.
Ingredients
- marshmallows
- pretzel sticks
- Hershey kisses
- frosting
- Unwrap the Hershey kiss.
- Spread frosting on the bottom of the marshmallow.
- Place the kiss in the frosting.
- Push a pretzel stick on the top of the marshmallow (for the dreidel top).
- Cover the whole thing with chocolate magic shell and wait for it to dry.
We did not have the patience for the drying so we skipped #5.
Yesterday we tried to make tiny gingerbread houses for the twin’s teachers. We found a recipe in Family Fun Magazine:
Ingredients
Houses
- Graham crackers
- Sprinkles and sweet decorations, such as, shaped sprinkles or gumdrops – we used Unreal Candy
(we bought pre-made icing but if you want to make icing below is a recipe)
Vanilla Decorating Icing
- 3 cups confectioners’ sugar
- 2 tablespoons milk
- 2 tablespoons light corn syrup
- 3/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
Make a Teensy Gingerbread House
1. With a serrated knife, cut the graham cracker pieces as shown. Tip: To create the pairs, cut one piece, then use it as a guide for the second.
2. To assemble, use Vanilla Decorating Icing (or the store bought icing).
3. Let the icing set, then use more to attach sprinkles and other sweet decorations, and let it set.
4. To place the house on a stick , trim a piece of brownie to fit inside the house. Slide the brownie onto a lollipop stick (we used a candy cane), then carefully slide the house on top.
They turned out pretty well:
My helpers were much more interested in the eating than the making. . .and everyone was happy.
Another Yahrzeit
December 10, 2013 at 10:20 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, Love, Sawyer | 13 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, grief, Jewish customs, new not so normal, yahrzeit
The word “yahrzeit” means anniversary (of a person’s death) in Yiddish. The word originated from German – Jahr, meaning year, and Zeit, meaning time.
Sawyer’s yahrzeit this year is on December 12th which means the candle should be lit the evening before (tomorrow). I have done my best to lose track of the days, in the hopes that this anniversary would not ever come. I know that time does not work that way but you can not blame a girl for trying. It has not been hard to keep busy and forget the date. I feel like the twins just started 1st grade but somehow Thanksgiving is over and despite my best efforts to stop time it is once again December.
I am extremely thankful for the time we did have with Sawyer and I still try to live in the present but I so wish I could hold him again even if is just for one more moment. . .
Another Thank You
November 30, 2013 at 6:58 pm | Posted in Grief | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, gratitude, new not so normal, thoughts, unexplainable
Thank you to the cemetery people for fixing Jake and Sawyer’s headstone markers. I never did make the call to let them know that the markers were shifting again but when I went to the cemetery the other day this is what I saw:
New headstones. New bolts. No more moving markers. The stones are even placed exactly how their sister carefully arranged them on Sawyer’s last birthday. One less thing to worry about. Thank you.
Thanksgivukkah
November 26, 2013 at 10:10 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 3 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, gratitude, Hanukkah, holidays, Jewish customs, life after loss, new not so normal, thankful, Thanksgiving, Thanksgivukkah, thoughts
This year the 1st day of Hanukkah and Thanksgiving fall on the same day. Apparently, this only happens once every 79,000 years or something. So, I am thankful it is happening during my lifetime. As I have mentioned before, since Jake and then Sawyer have died the holidays can be difficult. So, by combining 2 of them maybe this year will be easier.
I am so very thankful for family and friends who have stood by us during the best and worst of times of our lives. I am certain that I would not be able to get through this journey alone. I will continue to always be very thankful for the time that we did have with Jake and Sawyer. I try not to dwell on the Hanukkahs and Thanksgivings that we did not have and will never have with them. Some days are just harder than others.
Happy Hanukkah! Happy Thanksgiving! And, Happy Thanksgivukkah to those of you celebrating both!
The unbirthday
November 20, 2013 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 7 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, new not so normal, perspective, siblings
There are many ways to celebrate a deceased loved one’s birthday. This year on Sawyer’s birthday I ran in a race in the morning. One of my close friends suggested the idea. I did not realize at the time that it was a 4 mile race benefiting Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta. So, it was a 4 mile race on Sawyer’s 4th birthday benefiting the hospital where he died. Seems appropriate, doesn’t it?
After the race we went to lunch with the twins. We had pie. Not birthday cake. The little girl at the table next to us asked me if we were having dessert because it was someone’s birthday. I said, “Yes, but the birthday boy is not here.”
Next we went to the cemetery where Sawyer’s sister decorated and sang happy birthday. It started to rain. I was thankful that the raindrops hid my tears.
Evan was a bit cranky which is more than understandable when you should be celebrating with your 4-year-old son but instead you are going to the cemetery.
Evan holding Sawyer
My broken heart was glad when the day was finally done (even though I know my arms will ache to hold Sawyer just as much tomorrow).
Tomorrow
November 16, 2013 at 10:40 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 8 CommentsTags: #WorldPrematurityDay, baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, hope, March of Dimes, new not so normal, perspective, premature birth
The March of Dimes along with other parent groups and organizations in countries around the world dedicate tomorrow to raise awareness about premature birth and how it can be prevented. It is World Prematurity day. Hopefully, awareness and support will lead to more healthy babies. No family should have to live in a world without their child/children.
Tomorrow is also the would be/should be/never will be 4th birthday of our sweet Sawyer. While he was not premature, there are still no words to describe how much my arms ache to hold this little boy. . .
Sweet Sawyer (& Spam)
November 14, 2013 at 9:18 am | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, thoughts
Last week Evan sent me a very wise email with the subject line “Charlie Brown knows. . .”
If only we could . . .
Miss you so very much Mr. Sawyer. Love you always.
P.S. So sorry if you recently received spam from me again. I have changed my password and hopefully I should be spam free now.
Strong?
November 4, 2013 at 10:44 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, grief, life after loss, new not so normal, thoughts
Dear Sawyer,
It is me, your mom. It is almost your birthday. And again, there will be no party. You are still gone. We have made it through 3 other birthdays without you. I know that we will make it through this one too. Thanks to your older brother, Jake, I know that we can make it through a 4th birthday without the birthday boy. In fact, I can make it through every day with out you both. I just do not want to. . .
I miss you. I love you forever.
Blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.
A Mourning Mom 