The unbirthday

November 20, 2013 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 7 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , ,

There are many ways to celebrate a deceased loved one’s birthday.  This year on Sawyer’s birthday I ran in a race in the morning.  One of my close friends suggested the idea.  I did not realize at the time that it was a 4 mile race benefiting Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta.  So, it was a 4 mile race on Sawyer’s 4th birthday benefiting the hospital where he died.  Seems appropriate, doesn’t it?

After the race we went to lunch with the twins.  We had pie.  Not birthday cake.  The little girl at the table next to us asked me if we were having dessert because it was someone’s birthday.  I said, “Yes, but the birthday boy is not here.”

Next we went to the cemetery where Sawyer’s sister decorated and sang happy birthday.  It started to rain.  I was thankful that the raindrops hid my tears.

Evan was a bit cranky which is more than understandable when you should be celebrating with your 4-year-old son but instead you are going to the cemetery.

Evan holding Sawyer

Evan holding Sawyer

My broken heart was glad when the day was finally done (even though I know my arms will ache to hold Sawyer just as much tomorrow).


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  1. Your honesty is beautiful. Holding you and Sawyer in my heart. xo

  2. Lanie, I love that you had dessert to celebrate Sawyer’s birthday. They are always with you.

    i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
    my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
    i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
    by only me is your doing,my darling)
    i fear
    no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
    no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
    and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
    and whatever a sun will always sing is you

    here is the deepest secret nobody knows
    (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
    and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
    higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
    and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

    i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

  3. It’s beautiful the way you honor the day by racing to help others. And by eating pie. My heart is with you this time of year

  4. How strong your whole family is! I am so impressed with all of you and the things you do each and every day to remember Sawyer and Jake, and especially on the anniversaries. I send you all love and healing.

  5. When those days come for us, and Madeline isn’t here… we do the same. We carry her all day, celebrate her and I am so sad those days. It is so evident that day that she is gone. When bedtime comes I am ready to start a different date…
    Sending love and peace and comfort…

  6. So so unfair to have to celebrate a birthday without your baby boy. Thinking of you all the time. xo

  7. […] stones are even placed exactly where their sister carefully placed them on Sawyer’s birthday.  One less thing to worry about.  Thank […]

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