Fun Friday – Sharing Smiles
January 24, 2014 at 5:22 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, twins | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, dogs, happy, hope, new not so normal, thoughts
I am struggling to find a happy place today. So, I thought I would try to cheer myself up by sharing some things that did bring a smile to my face this week:
- Seeds of Happiness – They are simple, small clay smiley faces. The twins have yet to give them to anyone but they do have a big time playing with them:
“Mark Borella, a sculptor, created small smiley faces from left-over lumps of clay. He gave these to his friends whose young son was dying of cancer. He told them: “I know there is nothing I can say or do to make you feel better so I thought I would bring you some smiles to help you get your smile back. ”
He called them Seeds of Happiness. And his hope is that sharing the smiles continues to grow as their customers plant Seeds around the world.
- Keeping our dogs warm in the Star Wars coats we found this week:
It is possible that Buddy and Baby are not smiling about their new coats . . .
- I recently found out that there is a Happy Movie and a Happy Movement.
The movie is all about happiness and what makes people happy. The movement “is a 28 day program that brings happiness to the center of our lives.” I need to end this post so that I can go sign up.
Happy Friday and I hope that you all have a good weekend!
Do you think the twins have been talking to ABC?
January 20, 2014 at 10:36 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, Grandfather, Jake, Resurrection, Sawyer, thoughts, TV shows
The other week the twins were playing pretend. They were discussing their pretend characters and how they were born, lived and then died. They both then agreed that if they truly believed in the “spirits” of the dead characters they would come back to life. There was some further discussion that if we believed in Jake, Sawyer, Mom Mom and Grandpoppy’s “spirits” then they too could come back to life. I tried to explain that life/death does not work that way (no matter how much I really want it to be different). They disagreed and I decided rationalizing with 6 year olds might not get me very far on this topic.
A few days ago, I saw a preview for the new show Resurrection on ABC. The lead in is “Imagine the impossible.” In case you have not seen the preview, the cliff notes version is that deceased people are somehow returned to their families. A boy, who died at the age of 8, is returned to his parents 30 years later.
The twins and ABC have come up with a show that does imagine the impossible. Every person who has lost a loved one has at some point hoped beyond hope that person would be magically be returned to them. So, now the big question is to watch or not to watch?
2 of ABC’s future writers?
A resolution (not the New Years kind)
January 2, 2014 at 9:14 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief | 3 CommentsTags: baby loss, cemetery, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, Jake, new not so normal, perspective, Sawyer, thoughts
I found out that my friend at the cemetery might have made the call to get Jake and Sawyer’s markers fixed. I saw him the other day and asked him if he had anything to do with the new markers. He would not say one way or the other, but I said thank you and I gave him a big hug just in case.
He explained to me that the granite that the markers rest on and the markers themselves are made at the same time. When Sawyer died we buried him next to Jake, but in the same full-sized plot. There were no issues with the headstone following Sawyer’s funeral because we did not have Sawyer’s marker added until 2 years later. When we did add Sawyer’s marker the granite had to be replaced to allow for the 2 markers instead of just Jake’s.
The bolts that held the markers to the granite were not an exact fit which apparently is why the markers moved and shifted. The bolts have all been replaced now. However, there is a chance that the markers will shift again because the granite and the markers were still made at different times. If the markers move again, the next fix would be to replace the entire granite and both of the markers (then the granite and both markers will be made at the same time – and should fit together without being able to shift).
Even with all of these logical solutions, I still like the idea that Jake and Sawyer are playing practical jokes on us.
Wishing you all a Happy 2014!
Another Thank You
November 30, 2013 at 6:58 pm | Posted in Grief | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, gratitude, new not so normal, thoughts, unexplainable
Thank you to the cemetery people for fixing Jake and Sawyer’s headstone markers. I never did make the call to let them know that the markers were shifting again but when I went to the cemetery the other day this is what I saw:
New headstones. New bolts. No more moving markers. The stones are even placed exactly how their sister carefully arranged them on Sawyer’s last birthday. One less thing to worry about. Thank you.
Thanksgivukkah
November 26, 2013 at 10:10 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 3 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, gratitude, Hanukkah, holidays, Jewish customs, life after loss, new not so normal, thankful, Thanksgiving, Thanksgivukkah, thoughts
This year the 1st day of Hanukkah and Thanksgiving fall on the same day. Apparently, this only happens once every 79,000 years or something. So, I am thankful it is happening during my lifetime. As I have mentioned before, since Jake and then Sawyer have died the holidays can be difficult. So, by combining 2 of them maybe this year will be easier.
I am so very thankful for family and friends who have stood by us during the best and worst of times of our lives. I am certain that I would not be able to get through this journey alone. I will continue to always be very thankful for the time that we did have with Jake and Sawyer. I try not to dwell on the Hanukkahs and Thanksgivings that we did not have and will never have with them. Some days are just harder than others.
Happy Hanukkah! Happy Thanksgiving! And, Happy Thanksgivukkah to those of you celebrating both!
Sweet Sawyer (& Spam)
November 14, 2013 at 9:18 am | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, thoughts
Last week Evan sent me a very wise email with the subject line “Charlie Brown knows. . .”
If only we could . . .
Miss you so very much Mr. Sawyer. Love you always.
P.S. So sorry if you recently received spam from me again. I have changed my password and hopefully I should be spam free now.
Strong?
November 4, 2013 at 10:44 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, grief, life after loss, new not so normal, thoughts
Dear Sawyer,
It is me, your mom. It is almost your birthday. And again, there will be no party. You are still gone. We have made it through 3 other birthdays without you. I know that we will make it through this one too. Thanks to your older brother, Jake, I know that we can make it through a 4th birthday without the birthday boy. In fact, I can make it through every day with out you both. I just do not want to. . .
I miss you. I love you forever.
All Hallows Eve
November 1, 2013 at 10:51 pm | Posted in Jake, Sawyer | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, Day of the Dead, death of a baby, Halloween, holidays, new not so normal, perspective, thoughts
October 31st is not only Halloween but it also starts the celebration of the Mexican holiday Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead). The tradition focuses on celebrating and remembering friends and family who have passed away. Unlike Halloween, the celebration honors those who have died with food, festivities and an elaborate altar. The observance is on November 1st and 2nd, which coincides with the Catholic All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day. November 1st is for celebrating children and infants who have died. It is called Dia de los Inocentes (Day of the Innocents) or Dia de los Angelitos (Day of the Little Angels). November 2nd is for remembering all friends and family no matter what their age. In some beliefs, it is a three-day holiday beginning on October 31st, All Hallows Eve, when some believe the souls of young children arise at midnight.
I have never made an altar but I am very thankful to one of my close friends who includes Jake and Sawyer’s pictures on her altar. Maybe one day I will try to make an altar. There is a part of me that wants to make Halloween (along with all days) extra fun and extra special for the twins because I cannot ever do these things for Jake and Sawyer. No worries, I do know that the twins deserve fun and extra special just because of themselves.
There is a house in our neighborhood that has crazy blow ups for every holiday. I try to drive the twins by the house often during Halloween. Here it is during the day:
Here is the house at night:
And here we are (minus Evan):
Happy Halloween!
Shifting
October 22, 2013 at 8:46 am | Posted in Grief | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, Sawyer, thoughts
Awhile back I mentioned that Jake and Sawyer’s nameplates, which are part of the headstones, have shifted. The bolts had become loose and then inexplicably disappeared but they were repaired. However, the cemetery grounds people explained that because these are not the original bolts they might not hold. I have been watching them shift again over the last few weeks. I really still cannot understand how it is possible so I brought Evan to confirm.
He took one look and verified that yes, the nameplates (mostly Jake’s) have shifted again. He did offer up the explanation that perhaps Jake and Sawyer are just like any other children giving their parents something to worry about. I sort of like this idea. It goes along with the theory that my very sweet cousin pointed out Jake and Sawyer are just being boys playing together and being mischievous. They could just be playing Halloween tricks.
We are going to call the cemetery to have the process started to replace the nameplates. This is still odd and not okay but we can get it fixed. I have to keep it in perspective. Jake and Sawyer are not in danger. Nothing can harm them anymore. This we can do something about.
Of course, all of this reminds me there are so many hard and heartbreaking events in life that we cannot control. Illness, accidents, disasters, bad things happening to good people. These things all happen, and seem to happen far too often. They will continue to happen too (though I feel like we have had more than our fair share lately). But a break would be nice. And fixing things that we can control helps, at least a little.
Fun Friday
October 18, 2013 at 12:08 am | Posted in life after loss, Love | 8 CommentsTags: hope, hugs, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, thoughts, What does the fox say?
I have always wondered what it would be like to write something light-hearted. The twins have Fun Friday at school so I was thinking I should give it a try too. Here are two things that made me smile this week.
1. The Facebook page Amazing Things in the World posted this picture a few days ago:
Did you know that koalas sleep cuddled with their young to protect them at all times? I think it sounds like a perfect idea which would resolve many of my paranoid parenting tendencies. The twins would so not think it was perfect and they would most likely make a similar expression as the one on the baby koala’s face. Snuggling in a stationary position would not work for them because they prefer to toss and turn while asleep. Perhaps in my next life I can be a koala.
2. Have you seen the video “What does the Fox Say?” It is super funny. The brothers Vegard and Bård Ylvisåker, members of a Norwegian comedy group produced the song and music video “The Fox.” They created it to promote the upcoming season of their television talk show, Tonight with Ylvis. Disclaimer: If you watch this video, the song could get stuck in your head for days.
Just wanted to share the smiles with you all. Hope that you have a good weekend.
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