Paranoid Parenting
January 28, 2012 at 11:22 pm | Posted in emergency room, life after loss, normal?, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
I felt my heart racing as I drove down the street towards the twins’ pediatrician. They were in the back seat. I hoped they did not sense my panic. My heart always races just a bit faster when we pass the entrance to the emergency room of the Children’s hospital. I cannot drive past it without thinking of driving in the ambulance with Sawyer.
Confession #1 – At times I have driven way out of my way to avoid this entrance. However, passing it is the only good route to the twins’ doctor.
Confession #2 – I have thought about switching pediatricians just so I do not have to drive down this street all the time. I rule this out because I know that these flashbacks are in my head and I cannot escape them (and I love our pediatrician).
It was the 2nd straight day of high fevers. Pink eye had definitely returned to our house. And, as usual I am completely paranoid about their breathing. Colds, flu, pink eye – it is all part of being a parent. I know this and I repeatedly remind myself that all kids get sick. I try to trust my instincts as a mother. The doubt always creeps in – not matter what I do. I thought Sawyer was fine the night he died. My maternal instincts failed me that night – could they fail me again?
I had begged the sick appointment nurse to squeeze us in Friday afternoon. We were the last appointment. We got the pink eye medicine and an antibiotic. Pulsox levels were good. No irregular heart beats. My panic started to subside. I packed the twins back into the car and drove home.
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A Mourning Mom 
Your feelings are totally understandable! Hope they feel better. xo
Comment by Kelcey— January 28, 2012 #
Hope you have a healthy household very soon! Looks like the sick days have been pretty eventful at home. 🙂
Comment by Lisa— January 29, 2012 #
Not paranoid, just a wonderful caring mother. You are doing such a great job raising those beautiful kids. My hat is off to you. Love, Amy
Comment by Amy Johnson— January 29, 2012 #
You did exactly the right thing with the kids, and your instincts told you that. Hope they’re feeling better soon.
Comment by Cheryl— January 29, 2012 #
Sorry to hear you had sickies at your house — we had them here too this week. It’s hard not to be paranoid when a kid is sick. But look at how they manage those gorgeous smiles anyway! Mama is doing something really right.
Comment by Daphne— January 29, 2012 #
Lanie your instincts have always been right. Don’t expect yourself to do the impossible. I have never seen a more loving and caring mother. Hope the kids get better soon so we can plan lunch.
Comment by Patty— January 29, 2012 #
I would have felt the same way.
You’re such a good mom 😉
Comment by Elisa— January 29, 2012 #
I would feel the same way, too. You did exactly the right thing. I do think tragedy messes with our maternal instincts a bit – even though I don’t see how you could have done a better job as a mom, including that night Sawyer died. How could you possibly have sensed what would happen? Two families I know lost very small children, very suddenly, due to congenital heart defects with no clear warning signs. It’s so unfair… but sometimes there is nothing for your instincts to sense.
You are doing a GREAT job.
Comment by dilovely— January 30, 2012 #
You’re not a doctor. You’re a Mother! (And by the way, as we all know, doctors make mistakes too…) You did the right thing then–and now. Hope the kids are feeling better!
Comment by Eden— January 31, 2012 #