How are you?

August 9, 2010 at 6:44 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 10 Comments
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People ask this question all the time.  It is a common greeting.  I too used to ask the question.  Now,  I can’t answer it.  Or, I cry as I try to answer. 

“How are you?”  

Not so great.  In fact, awful.  Our first son, Jake was born in August of 2005 at 26 weeks.  He lived for 2 weeks in the NICU.  The only time we held him was while he passed away.  Jake’s funeral was August 28, 2005.

After clomid, letersol, 6 IUIs and 2 IVF’s we had our amazing twins in July of 2007.   I treasure every day with them.

In November, 2009 we were lucky enough to have a beautiful full term boy, Sawyer.  At 10:45 pm on December 25, 2009 I kissed my perfect baby good night for the last time.   Sawyer’s heart stopped very early the next morning.  No symptoms, no warning, he was just gone.  Sawyer’s funeral was December 28, 2009.

I take life day by day.  I keep thinking that there must be some purpose to all this grief.  For the almost five years since Jake died I have been trying to figure out what to do with all my sadness.  Since Sawyer died I am numb but I have to keep moving forward.  I am starting this blog to create a purpose for Jake and Sawyer’s lives.  And, perhaps help other families or maybe just my own. . .

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10 Comments »

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  1. This is beautiful lanie. I’m glad you started this blog.

  2. I think this is great!

  3. I am so sorry to hear about your loss – thank you for sharing it with others.

  4. I am glad you are doing this, Lanie. I hope it helps you and others.

  5. Strong posting right off the bat. Folks will want to come back and read and learn more.

  6. This blog is awesome, and I don’t think you realize how much it will benefit others. I can’t wait to read more. You describe yourself as being numb but continuing to move forward. That is such an awesome description. You put into words what so many people are experiencing. I hope the blog helps with the isolation and loneliness that losing a child (or children) can bring. Thank you for having the courage to do this!

  7. Lanie – it’s wonderful. I’m so glad you are doing it . .for you and for others. Your words are filled with emotion, which I know needs to both stay with you and find it’s way out. Starting is probably the hardest part . . and you did it! Keep it up – you will help so many – including you. Love you! 🙂

  8. Lanie,

    Your boys did have a purpose. They have made you who you are today. Someone who is loving and willing to help others. I think you can help others who have or will be unfortunately in this same situation. I think of your boys all the time. They haven’t been forgotten.

    hugs

  9. Lanie,
    I have just discovered your blog and I am overwhelmed. Of course there are no words that I can say to express my sorrow or ease your pain. If there were such words they would have been uttered until they are the only sounds you hear. As I was reading your story my head is thinking there must be something, anything, I can do to help my friend, and all the while my heart knows it would never be enough. I hope writing this blog and sharing yourself and your family with others helps and heals you. I’m certain it has already benefitted those who read it.

  10. Lanie,

    I have just found your blog and am so amazed at your ability to transfer your emotions to the page. I look forward to catching up – I will be just one more person who can hold your littles in my heart so that their memory lives on.

    -AKL (Lainey)


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