Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides
April 22, 2014 at 7:22 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Jake, life lessons, Love, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, hope, March of Dimes, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
No matter how far the distance you have traveled nor the failures that have gathered, hope would still meet you anywhere.
~ Dodinsky ~
Our family has walked in the March of Dimes’ “March for Babies” every year since Jake died. Originally our team was named Jake’s Journey. After Sawyer died we renamed it to Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides. We will be walking again this weekend.
The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality. I believe that the March of Dimes is making a difference and saving babies.
I cannot do anything to bring back Jake or Sawyer but maybe, just maybe, I can help spare other parents the heartbreak of having to live in this world without their child/children.
Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the hospital for matching funds. We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides please click this link.
Trees
April 14, 2014 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, death of a baby, Jewish National Fund, new not so normal, Trees, ways to honor the memory of your child
Last month we went to the playground where trees are planted for Jake and Sawyer. I do not think Sawyer’s tree is doing so well at the moment. . .
The plan is that we will try to straighten it out and hope that it grows better. It is best to plant trees in the colder weather so we will reevaluate in the fall. It makes me feel better just to have a plan.
Many people had trees planted in Israel for Jake and Sawyer when they died. Planting trees in Israel is a tradition which celebrates the life of loved ones. Evan and I often joke that there is a Jake and Sawyer forest at this point. I have never been to Israel and if I do go I would like to see the Jake and Sawyer forest :-).
I did write thank you notes to all the people who had trees planted for Jake. However, I never did write thank you notes for the trees, donations and acts of kindness that were done in memory of Sawyer. I do want to thank all of those who had trees planted for Sawyer and one day I hope to write those notes. Until then, please know how very thankful I am.
I want to wish a happy and healthy Passover to all those who celebrate!
Hoping for Milk
April 8, 2014 at 9:48 am | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, Love | 8 CommentsTags: Benjamin Milk, brain cancer, child loss, dark days, grief, hope, hospice, new not so normal
Some days it is harder than others to find hope.
After Jake was born at 26 weeks with hydrops, I hoped he would be among the 30% of babies who survive these enormous obstacles. There was no miracle.
The horrible night we brought Sawyer to the emergency room, I hoped for the miracle that it would all be an awful mistake. There was no miracle.
I hoped for a miracle that would cure the cancer that Evan’s mom had or at least give her back the life she had. There was no miracle.
On Friday a close family friend lost his valiant battle with brain cancer. In case I have not mentioned it before I hate cancer!! His family along with all of us who loved him hoped he would win this battle. He did not.
When there is no more hope for our loved ones to remain with us we often shift to hoping to prevent that anyone else should have to go through this horrible journey. So, his family has formed a team, Everybody Needs Milk, in the Race for Hope DC. I hope that one day soon a cure for cancer is found.
This is a telephone pole at the end of my neighborhood running route. It is a reminder to me that there is hope everywhere (just sometimes we have to look for it harder than others).
Many ways to mourn
April 2, 2014 at 10:08 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, mourning | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, death of a baby, new not so normal, parenthood
The other day a friend sent me an article about a mother who built a sandbox on her infant sons’ grave. The sandbox is to give her living 3-year-old son a way to “play” with his baby brother. It is a very creative idea which gives her son a way to mourn as well as bond with the brother he will never know.
My friend wrote in the email that the article made her smile. It makes me smile too.
Hope and Hair
March 28, 2014 at 4:58 pm | Posted in Love, normal? | 11 CommentsTags: cancer, donate hair, hope, new not so normal, Pantene Beautiful Lengths, parenthood
As of today one of the twins and I have officially donated enough hair to Pantene Beautiful Lengths to make one wig for a cancer patient. It takes 6 donations to make a wig (I have donated 4 times and she cut her hair today for her 2nd donation!).
Hope that you all have a great weekend.
No worries (I wish. . .)
March 16, 2014 at 9:28 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer, twins, why I write | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, grief, hope, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, thoughts
If your problem has a solution then…why worry about it? If your problem doesn’t have solution then…why worry about it? – Chinese Proverb
In theory I think this makes sense and I agree with the proverb, but I have a problem: I think that worrying is in my DNA.
Everyone at our house is feeling fine now but last week that was not the case. Evan and one of the twins were sick. It is part of life – everyone gets sick. But, I do not like it one bit! I try very hard to rely on the rational part of my brain but the irrational part of me always seems to take over. I am transported back to the days and nights before Sawyer died. Was there something going on? Was he sick in some way? What did I miss? How could he be seemingly perfect one moment and then dead the next?
I know that the twins are not Sawyer. They are bigger. They are stronger. They can tell me when something is wrong (and usually can specifically detail what is wrong too!). However, I cannot help but second guess myself. I cannot help but worry about what we could have done differently, what might have prevented Sawyer from dying that night, how we might have taken a different action or course and he would still be here with us today. I also know that even if we did miraculously figure out the cause of Sawyer’s death it would not change the fact that he is dead. Resurrection is not our reality. Of course, I cannot change that now, and of all things, I logically know I should not worry about things I cannot change. And yet, those are the things that seem to draw out my worries the most.
Helping with Homework
March 6, 2014 at 10:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, siblings
Today’s 1st grade homework assignment for one of the twins was about cultural diversity. The questions asked about backgrounds, customs and families. I was helping her with the assignment. We discussed the questions and her answers. “Where are you from?” Where were you born?” She quickly answered and wrote down, “Atlanta, Georgia.” All was going smoothly until, we got to the question asking, “How many brothers and sisters do you have?”
I have written before about being asked “How many children do you have?” “How many brothers and sisters do you have?” is the bereaved sibling’s version of this question. They are both such common and polite questions but the answers for some of us are so complicated. When people ask me how many children I have these days I usually say something like “I have 2 children at home.” I then try to change the subject. Or, the other day I caught myself saying “excuse me for a moment” and I left the conversation all together. I always remember Jake and Sawyer but I do not always talk about them. But maybe it does not have to be so difficult.
At first she did not immediately answer the question “How many brothers and sisters do you have?” Instead, she looked at me thoughtfully and asked, “Mama, how many brothers do I have?” Before I could say anything she said “I know!!” and she began to write . . .
I used to have three brothers but now I only have one. one brother
When she finished writing she went over to her one brother and gave him a hug. And, then I hugged them both.
Second Star
February 18, 2014 at 11:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life lessons, Love, Sawyer, Time | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, international star registry, new not so normal, siblings, stars, ways to honor the memory of your child
When Jake died the hospital gave us a packet of information to take home. I remember trying to read it through my tears and being unable to make out most of the words. When I got to the page on “Ways to Honor Your Child” I got a tissue, wiped my eyes and read. One of the ways was to name a star. Before I knew it I was on the phone buying a star for Jake:
Jake’s Star
The star date is his birthday and it is in the constellation of Leo (Jake’s zodiac sign). We have the star certificate with all of Jake’s other belongings. I think before now the only other person I told that I bought a star was Evan. Buying the star made me feel a bit better for the moment. It was something I could do for Jake. Funny how time changes some things. . .
After Sawyer died I did not buy a star. The thought of buying another star did not make me feel better. Recently, I came across Jake’s star certificate and decided that I did want a star for Sawyer after all.
I tried to order it online and then finally called. I wanted Sawyer’s star date to be his birthday, just like Jake’s. The star registry only goes back 2 years – which meant 2012, 2013 or this year. There is no 2009 option. I chose this year – for Sawyer’s 5th birthday.
Sibling rivalry is an issue at times in our house with the twins. I will never know if Sawyer would be unhappy that Jake had a star and he did not but the second star bought to avoid any worries. It made me feel a bit better and it was something I could do for Sawyer.
Unfrozen
February 14, 2014 at 10:54 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life after loss, normal?, Sawyer, twins | 5 CommentsTags: Atlanta snow, baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, Frozen, ice, new not so normal, perspective
“Everything is Awesome” has replaced “Let it Go” and “Do You Want to Build a Snowman“at our house. The snow and ice are gone. We were really lucky and never lost power. However, we did follow the advice of the robocall from our mayor and stay home. The twins watched I am not sure how many hours of television but I know it was a lot. It does not bother me the way I thought it would (before being a parent when I had all these big ideas about what kind of parent I would be. . .). Originally, I was going to be one of those parents that did not let their kids watch too much TV but Sawyer’s death quickly changed that. It seemed much better for the twins to watch Elmo than to watch their mom crying endlessly. So, on went the TV.
We did make it out of the house yesterday for some sledding.
Today it was almost 60 degrees in Atlanta. Everything melted, we turned off the TV and went outside.
Happy Valentines Day from our house to yours!
Unsubscribed & Unprepared
February 10, 2014 at 10:14 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life after loss, Love | 12 CommentsTags: Atlanta + Snow = Disaster, Atlanta snow, baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, hope, new not so normal, thoughts, twins
The week before Sawyer was born Evan and I realized that we would have 2 1/2-year-old twins at home during the winter with a newborn. We had not planned to send them to preschool until they were 3.
The twins plus winter plus a newborn at home. All of a sudden 2 1/2 seemed like the perfect preschool age. I called around and there were not many preschools with 2 open spots. We were super lucky and found a school for the twins. The school started the first week of January – Sawyer had died the week before and I did not want to let the twins out of my sight (but that is a different story. . . ).
I did give my name and information to a few other schools. I get emails from them now and then. I have successfully unsubscribed from most but there is one that I cannot get off the list. I usually just delete the emails without opening/reading them but for some reason I read this one. This week my 4-year-old and I were invited to Mommy & Me at 10 am on Wednesday.
There is no unsubscribe button!! What is the etiquette here? Writing an email that my 4-year-old and I will not be there because he is dead does not seem appropriate. Luckily, I got the email today that the Mommy & Me will most likely be cancelled “due to inclement weather”.
Is Atlanta unprepared?! Nope. Not this time. It was 50 degrees and clear today but the Atlanta forecast is for snow. So, school for the twins is cancelled tomorrow. And, Wednesday. The twins and I will be home with plenty of time for me delete those preschool emails.
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