Missing you on Mother’s Day
May 12, 2013 at 9:14 am | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 8 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, grief, life after loss, mother's day, new not so normal, thoughts
Dear Jake and Sawyer,
There is not a day that I do not think of you both. I know that you are both miracles. I was lucky enough to hold you both even for just a moment. I am thankful for the time that I spent with you. I just wish there were more moments. My arms ache to hold you.
I miss you every day. Some days are just harder. Mother’s Day is one of those days. Although the logical part of me knows that this is just a hallmark holiday. The original creator, Anna Jarvis, herself was even disappointed by how commercialized the day had become.
May 5th was International Bereaved Mother’s Day. I have to confess I try not to think about these days. It is not too hard to do in May. Especially now that your brother and sister are in kindergarten. The end of the year seems to bring extra activities that make it even easier to forget about the date.
I love you both to the moon and back. I will look for you in my dreams.
I know that this day is hard for so many. There are the other mothers in the club whose arms will also ache to hold their children. There are others who are missing their mothers and grandmothers. I send hope and hugs to you all.
Thank you!
April 28, 2013 at 8:54 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 9 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, hope, life after loss, March of Dimes, perspective, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
Yesterday was the March of Dimes – March for Babies. We warmed up:
We ran:
We rested:
And most importantly, we remembered Jake, Sawyer and all the other babies who were not there to march with us:
Thank you again for supporting our team this year and in past years. We appreciate all of your amazing kindness and generosity.
The Other Side
April 26, 2013 at 7:44 am | Posted in after death?, Grief, Jake, Love, normal?, Sawyer | 4 CommentsTags: Buddha, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, life after loss, March of Dimes, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
One day a young Buddhist on his journey home came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier.
Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey, he saw a great teacher on the other side of the river. The young Buddhist yells over to the teacher, “Oh wise one, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river”?
The teacher ponders for a moment looks up and down the river and yells back, “My son, you are on the other side”.
I have been and might always be on a journey to find the cause of Sawyer’s death. I have wanted to be in a place where all of my children are living. Not stuck between my two worlds.
I cannot do anything to bring back Jake or Sawyer. I am here. On the other side. However, maybe just maybe I can help spare other parents the heartbreak of having to live in a world without their child/children. So, as we have done every year since Jake died, our family will walk in the March of Dimes, March for Babies this Saturday.
Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years. We appreciate all of your amazing kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides please click this link.
The Best Ever Big Brother and Sister
April 14, 2013 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer, twins | 8 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, family, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
Recently, the twins have started to read. Gone are the days when Evan and I are the only readers of bed time books.
When I was pregnant with Sawyer I bought the twins “Best Ever Big Brother” and “Best Ever Big Sister.” I bought the books to help with the adjustment of having a new sibling. The twins have always known about their big brother Jake but they never met him.
After Sawyer died I thought I had taken the books out of their room and put them away. I apparently did not because the other night the twins dug up the “best ever” books.
As I was putting away their clean clothes, the twins each read their version of the “best ever” books. I could not move as my already shattered heart broke just a bit more every time one of twins read the lines meant for Sawyer, “One day you’ll be big like me.”
My tears over hearing those books read overshadowed my pride that the twins are actually reading by themselves.
Once again, I am reminded that I lead a double life. I am here with the twins and Evan. Then there is the other part of me who is on planet my baby died with Jake and Sawyer. I try to keep my double life in balance. I try my best to stay present with the twins but Jake and Sawyer are always with me too. Most of the time it works but sometimes the balance just breaks.
Names in the sand (part 2) and Spam
April 12, 2013 at 8:36 am | Posted in after death?, Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, death, death of a baby, gratitude, hope, perspective, thank you, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
So sorry if you recently received spam from me. I have changed my password and hopefully I should be spam free now.
In case you could not see the link to Jake’s name in the sand here it is:
Thank you again Carly Marie! Here is Sawyer’s too:
Sending you all hugs and hope. I truly appreciate you reading and remembering Jake and Sawyer.
Names in the Sand: Jake and Sawyer on Christian’s Beach
April 8, 2013 at 12:02 am | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, Christian's Beach, death of a baby, gratitude, life after loss, Names in the Sand, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
I am forever grateful to Carly Marie. This past week she wrote Jake and Sawyer’s names in the sand on Christian’s beach in Western Australia.
Carly Marie began writing names in the sand after her son, Christian, died. And so began Carly Marie’s Project Heal. She writes “it is a simple act that recognizes a life. It gives something beautiful to a family that may only have a few memories of their child – or even none at all.”
If you or someone you know would like to request a name be written on Christian’s Beach click here. The wait list is closed right now but she will post when it will open.
Thank you again Carly Marie!
“At the end of the day all the children of heaven come together to paint the colours of the sunset”
– Carly Marie Dudley
Life
March 24, 2013 at 12:14 am | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 4 CommentsTags: child loss, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, quotes, thoughts
Staying Present
March 18, 2013 at 9:56 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, normal?, Sawyer, twins | 12 CommentsTags: cancer, child loss, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, quotes, staying present, Valerie Harper
Recently, I was reminded once again to live in the present. I watched an interview with Valerie Harper. She spoke so honestly about how she is trying to live in the moment and live her life to the fullest despite her terminal brain cancer diagnosis. In her interview, Harper reminded us all that “None of us gets out alive. Don’t go to the funeral before the day of the funeral.”
I replayed her interview in my head when I saw a daunting hill on mile 12 of the half marathon I was running. My first thought was to jump to the future (at least for a couple of hours to when I was showered and not running). I tried to focus on the moment. It was a beautiful day. Only 1.1 miles to go. The run was rough but I made it.
I again thought of Valerie Harper as I was helping the twins with their homework. One of the twins had the assignment to draw a family picture in order from tallest to shortest.
Who is the tallest? No problem. “Daddy is the tallest!”
Who is the shortest? Tougher question. “Mama, who was taller, Jake or Sawyer?”
The “not living in the moment me” would have taken into consideration that Jake should be 7. He should be taller than the twins and Sawyer (who should be 3).
I pulled myself back to the present reality. I answered, “Jake was the shortest.”
My therapist is always reminding me not to grow Jake and Sawyer up. The loss of Jake and Sawyer as babies is horrible enough without also grieving the loss at every age. I am still working on this. . .
Tears in Heaven
March 12, 2013 at 9:50 pm | Posted in after death?, Love | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, thoughts, tragedy, ways to honor the memory of your child
In my 20’s I went to see an Eric Clapton concert. He sang “Tears in Heaven.” I knew that he had written the song for his young son, Conor, who had died. Below are the lyrics in case you have not heard the song:
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
‘Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I’ll find my way through night and day
‘Cause I know I just can’t stay here in heaven
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please
Beyond the door there’s peace I’m sure
And I know there’ll be no more tears in heaven
Eric Clapton wrote in his autobiography that “Tears in Heaven” did not have a big budget but “If you really want to know what it cost me then go visit my son’s grave in Ripley, England.” He went on to write that this song was originally not meant for the public. It was part of his grieving process. What finally convinced him to release the song was the hope that it would help others.
In my 20’s I had no way of identifying with this enormous loss. I just enjoyed the concert. Now when I listen to the song I know all too well the heartbreak and sadness. If I could have warned my 20-year-old self, what would I say?
Yesterday
March 4, 2013 at 11:07 pm | Posted in after death?, Cemetery, Grief, life after loss | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death, death of a baby, family, grandparents, Jewish customs, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective
Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of Evan’s mom’s death. It was also the day of the unveiling of her headstone. She had asked that this poem be read:
To Those Whom I Love And Those Who Love Me
written by Mary Alice Ramish
When I am gone, release me, let me go
I have so many things to see and do
You must not tie yourself to me with tears
Be happy that I have had so many years
I gave you my love, you can only guess
How much you gave me in happiness
I thank you for the love you each have shown
But now it is time I travelled on alone
So grieve a while for me, if grieve you must
Then let your grief be comforted by trust
It is only for a while that we must part
So bless the memories within your heart
I will not be far away, for life goes on
So if you need me, call and I will come
Though you cannot see or touch me, I will be near
And if you listen with your heart, you will hear
All of my love around you soft and clear
Then, when you must come this way alone
I will greet you with a smile and say welcome home
We placed stones on her grave. Evan and I had brought stones from Sawyer and Jake’s headstone.
I am so lucky to have had her as my mother-in-law. I will always be here to tell the twins stories about their amazing Mom Mom. I know I wrote in my last post that I bargained my life (and Evan’s) but it was never with the intention of leaving the twins. I was just a desperate mother who wanted the impossible.
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