Strong?
November 4, 2013 at 10:44 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, grief, life after loss, new not so normal, thoughts
Dear Sawyer,
It is me, your mom. It is almost your birthday. And again, there will be no party. You are still gone. We have made it through 3 other birthdays without you. I know that we will make it through this one too. Thanks to your older brother, Jake, I know that we can make it through a 4th birthday without the birthday boy. In fact, I can make it through every day with out you both. I just do not want to. . .
I miss you. I love you forever.
So glad to see you September
September 2, 2013 at 10:56 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Jake, life after loss | 8 CommentsTags: birthday, centenarians, child loss, dark days, death, Grandfather, gratitude, Jake, new not so normal, twins
August is over and Evan came up with a brilliant plan to get through the last few days of it. The last week of August includes Jake’s deathiversary, my birthday and my grandfather’s (there are a few family wedding anniversaries in there too).
Evan planned a trip and we went away. My parents were able to join us. We usually do go away Labor Day weekend to see my grandfather for his birthday. Our whole family for many Labor Day weekends has come together to celebrate his birthday. I know that I am so lucky to have spent so many birthdays with my amazing grandfather. However, this year there was no trip to see him to look forward to, so I had to find other ways to distract myself.
Evan’s plan worked like a charm and these 2 helped as well. . .
One Day at a Time
August 18, 2013 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love | 3 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, dark days, death of a baby, hope, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, thoughts
Thank you so much for the thoughts and prayers for us and Jake on his birthday.
We are continuing to ride on the August roller coaster of happy and sad days. This weekend had a happy day. Evan‘s birthday. I remember in 2005, Jake was a few days old and I was still in the hospital. The only thing Evan got for his birthday that year was a shower. Life is no longer minute to minute like it was in 2005. However, even today if I think too much about Jake’s birth day and death day, it seems like August is so very dark.
I remind myself not to imagine the 8-year-old Jake. There is no point in grieving over the little boy who never was but somehow I can not stop myself at times. I catch my mind as it wanders to what color his eyes would have been. . .
I remind myself to take it day by day.
Jake
August 14, 2013 at 12:14 am | Posted in Grief, Jake, life lessons, Love | 13 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, premature birth, thoughts
Dear Jake,
Today you would/should have been 8. You are not. I am still so very thankful that I got to meet you. I just wish we could have kept you for longer. Below are the words that your dad wrote to you 8 years ago. They are just as true today.
We love you Jake.
You are our sunshine.
You are such a courageous and strong fighter, and we are so proud of you.
Jake, you are a miracle, and we thank you for choosing us to be your parents.
You are so wise for someone so young and so small. You knew when you had to come into this world Jake, and you knew when you had to leave us to be in a better place.
You are and were the perfect son for us.
Jake, please know that we felt all the love you gave to us during your time here.
We are sad that we could only spend such a short time with you, but we are so glad and thankful for every minute of it.
It is amazing how we could come to love you so immediately and so completely even though we were just getting to know each other.
Then again, we feel like we have known you all of our lives, and you will be in our hearts forever and beyond.
Jake, we also know that you are at peace and that you are being watched over by all of our loved ones who also watch over all of us from above.
Thank you, Jake.
Thank you for coming to us.
Thank you for choosing us.
Thank you for loving us and letting us love you with all of our hearts.
We’ll see you every night playing up with the moon and the stars.
I miss you every. single. day. Some days are harder than others. I love you.
November 17
November 14, 2012 at 10:38 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, normal? | 14 CommentsTags: #WorldPrematurityDay, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, Global Week of Action for child survival, new not so normal, quotes, Sawyer
Sawyer,
It is me again. I keep losing track of days. Your 3rd birthday would/should be in 3 days. November 17th is not only your birthday but it is World Prematurity Day. You were not premature but your big brother Jake was 14 weeks early. In fact, you were 8 lbs and 1 oz and perfect. I know that if you were here you would be okay sharing your birthday with Jake’s cause.
This year is also the first Global Week of Action for child survival. The 13th-20th of November this campaign will try to “bring people together across the globe to raise their voices against the unacceptable number of children dying before their fifth birthday from preventable causes”. I do not know if your cause of death was preventable. I am still hoping to know for sure one day. I hope that where ever you are you know your dad and I would have done anything to protect you. I still cannot believe that I could not save you.
I do not know if I cry because I am weak or strong. I do not care either way. I just cry and miss you. Love you always and forever.
100!
August 30, 2012 at 9:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, silver lining, Time | 10 CommentsTags: birthday, centenarians, family, grandparents, gratitude, happy, happy birthday, hope, new not so normal, sad days, thoughts, williard scott
If things get better with age, then you are approaching magnificent. –Unknown
August is filled with happy and sad days for me but it always ends with the birthday of my amazing grandfather. He is 100! today!! In my opinion he has not only approached magnificent but passed it by long ago. I am so very lucky to have him in my life.
I submitted the birthday application to have the chance for Williard Scott to wish him a Happy Birthday on the Today Show. Apparently there are a lot of centenarians these days and Williard Scott did not wish him a happy birthday. So, I will . . .
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
A Happy Day
August 16, 2012 at 11:42 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 13 CommentsTags: birthday, family, fathers, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, quotes
“Today you are you! That is truer than true!
There is no one alive..…who is you-er than you!
Dr. Seuss “Happy Birthday To You!”
HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVAN!
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