Atlanta Walk to Remember
September 8, 2013 at 10:48 pm | Posted in Jake, life lessons, Love, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: Atlanta Walk to Remember, child loss, death of a baby, miscarriage, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his/her parents is called an orphan. But there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that’s how awful the loss is!” Jay Neugeboren
Losing a child is one of the most devastating and lonely events which can happen to a human being. I wish that none of us lived in a world without our child/children. However, the reality is that parents from every religion, class and country have outlived their children.
Every year since Jake (and then Sawyer) died we have walked in the Atlanta Walk to Remember. It is an event to connect parents and families together to express grief and remember our babies, and to raise awareness. It is not a fundraiser.
It is just a time to remember our lost babies together.
This year the walk will be held on October 6th. For more information and/or to register for the walk click the following link:
Back to School Blur
August 8, 2013 at 9:18 pm | Posted in Jake, Love, Sawyer, twins | 9 CommentsTags: 1st grade, after death?, back to school, child loss, death of a baby, life after loss, love, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, reality, thoughts, time
It just does not seem that long ago that I could fit both the twins in a laundry basket. How is it possible that they are now in 1st grade! ? Time is so tricky and now these 2 would never fit in a laundry basket:
It is what is supposed to happen, they should grow up. I know all too well that it is a parent’s worst nightmare when their child/children are no longer growing. As I wrote here, I am still trying not to “grow” up Jake and Sawyer in my mind. I know that there is no point of grieving over every stage and milestone that they will never reach. Some days it works better than others.
August, Already?
August 6, 2013 at 8:42 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: 1st grade, back to school, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, grief, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, thoughts
It is August again. This month is filled with happy days and harder days. Lots of family birthdays and anniversaries are in August as well as Jake’s birth and death days. This year there will be one less happy day. I had always looked forward to my grandfather‘s birthday at the end of the month. I knew he would not live forever but I still miss him.
I will take August like I do every day – day by day. I have made it through many Augusts without Jake and I will make it through this one as well.
“You don’t get over it, you just get through it. You don’t get by it, because you can’t get around it. It doesn’t ‘get better’; it just gets different. Everyday… Grief puts on a new face….”
― Wendy Feireisen
This year is also filled with getting ready to go back to school. The twins start 1st grade this week! We already had the Open House to meet their teachers. I did not even (outwardly) flinch when another parent asked if we had already been to the upper campus with our older child. I did not choke back tears when she said, “Oh, that is right you do not have older children.” I bit my lip and did not say a thing although she is one of the few parents at the twins’ elementary school who know that Jake (and Sawyer) ever existed.
“They’d crossed over to that continent where grieving parents lived. It looked the same as the rest of the world, but wasn’t. Colors bled pale. Music was just notes. Books no longer transported or comforted, not fully. Never again. Food was nutrition, little more. Breaths were sighs. And they knew something the rest didn’t. They knew how lucky the rest of the world was.”
― Louise Penny
I know that I am lucky too. I am lucky to be Jake, the twins and Sawyer’s mom.
Hearts
July 26, 2013 at 9:56 am | Posted in Grief, normal?, Sawyer, twins | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, unexplainable
This week the twins had their check up with the pediatric cardiologist. They were both rock stars during the EKG. They both have innocent heart murmurs but otherwise, everything is fine. Their hearts are normal. We will continue regular activity and come back for our next check up.
These are the results that I want to hear. I want both the twins to be healthy and happy. I try so hard to stifle voice that wants to scream, “But, Sawyer was healthy and happy too, until he wasn’t and then he was dead!!” I know that I cannot wrap the twins up in bubble wrap.
The fact that we still do not know why Sawyer died is something I do not let myself think about very often. I have to tuck it away so that it does not consume me. However, during the twin’s cardiologist appointment we need to talk about it. The doctor asked me if there were any updates from the Mayo clinic. No, no updates. We still know that Sawyer had a coarctation of his aorta but it was not narrow enough to cause his death.
I know that there is a very good chance that we will never know the cause of Sawyer’s death. I have accepted this fact but I still do not like it at all.
Kindness Campaign
July 20, 2013 at 10:18 pm | Posted in Jake, life lessons, Love, Sawyer | 1 CommentTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, hope, kindness, life after loss, Mattie Stepanek, Method Baby Products, new not so normal, peace, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
At the age of three, Mattie Stepanek started to write poetry to cope with the death of his older brother. Mattie and his brother suffered from a rare form of muscular dystrophy, dysautonomic mitochondrial myopathy. A few of his books are Heartsongs and Hope Through Heartsongs. Mattie died a month before his 14th birthday. His sister and two brothers also died from the disease during early childhood. His mother has the adult form, diagnosed only after all four of her children were born.
Mattie’s mother, Jeni, continues to spread Mattie’s message of peace and hope. Her strength and courage is remarkable. In honor of Mattie’s birthday (July 17th) and death day (June 22nd), Jeni has held Peace and Kindness Campaigns. Above is a slideshow of flyers used for the Kindness Campaign this summer.
Speaking of kindness, a gigantic thank you to Sara, my cousin. She wrote to Method after reading my last post. Method’s customer service could not find any useable soap but they wrote back a really nice response. Thank you again Sara!
Scent of Sawyer
July 14, 2013 at 1:02 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Sawyer, venting | 9 CommentsTags: baby loss, death of a baby, gratitude, life after loss, Method Baby Products, new not so normal, Sad, Sawyer, scent, thoughts
One of the lessons that Jake and Sawyer have taught me is not to sweat the small stuff. In the grand scheme of things there is so much stuff that just does not matter in the end.
This post, however, is about small stuff. Method has discontinued their line of babies and kids products. I know that there is most likely a business reason why the line did not make it. However, I just wish they could bring the product line back. We have used their products (body wash, shampoo, lotion, laundry detergent and dryer sheets). We used a particular scent — rice milk and mallow — with Sawyer. We all loved the smell, and appreciated that they were natural products with nothing to harm Sawyer’s (or any of our) skin.
The smell of the products reminds me of Sawyer. So, after he died, we continued to use the products. The frequent and sweet reminder of him in the smell of our clothes or at the twins’ bath time is, in a way, comforting. Now the product line has been discontinued, and it is hard to find the products anywhere. I am sure that at some point, we won’t be able to find them at all anymore.
One more small bit of Sawyer that will no longer be in our lives. Yes, it is a small thing. But it is one more small thing I wish I could change.
And, a giant thank you to Evan for finding me some of the last of the bottles on eBay!
Balloons
July 2, 2013 at 11:32 pm | Posted in after death?, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: baby loss, balloons, child loss, death of a baby, family, heaven?, new not so normal, thoughts, twins
Whenever our daughter is given a balloon she wants to let it go and send it to Jake and Sawyer. The balloons are not always just for Jake and Sawyer. She also sends them to Evan’s mom (Mom Mom), my grandfather (Grandpoppy) and other members of our family who have died. I think it started with the balloon launch at the end of the Walk to Remember. However, it has continued after birthday parties and school celebrations. She usually wants to come home with the balloon and stand in the driveway.
Next, she will find the perfect place to release the balloon so that it does not get caught in the trees. Sometimes, she will try to attach a note to the balloon. Other times, she will say a few words or give a few kisses to send with the balloon.
When she has finally determined that the conditions for the balloon release are as good as they are going to get, she lets it go.
We watch it for as long as we can. She asks me if I really think that they will get her balloon. I always say, “yes.”
Tonight at bedtime the twins were discussing the balloons that she sends. They debated the obstacles the balloon could encounter – tree branches, the wind, the lack of wind, etc. What would happen when the one balloon finally arrived? Would Jake or Sawyer hold it?
I chimed in that it did not really matter who held it. They could all look at the balloon and know that we are thinking about them.
Traveling with the Twins
June 30, 2013 at 9:38 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, grief, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, signs, thoughts, travel
Most of this month we have been away. The first few weeks were work trips mixed with family and friends. The last part of the month we were away for fun. I used to travel all the time. It is hard to travel with small children but if I am honest with myself there is another reason I like to stick close to home.
I do not like to be away from the cemetery. I know that Jake and Sawyer are not really there but I still feel a need to go there. If nothing else to make sure that all is ok. I no longer go to the cemetery every day but I do not like the idea that I am not able to visit. I felt better about being away for so long because I knew that others would be there to check on them.
The trips were all good. There were some meltdowns and a taxi ride where not one but BOTH of the twins got sick. The taxi driver pulled over each time and we paid for him to get his car cleaned. . . However, we had fun. It was good to see family and friends.
I have written here and here that I do not know where exactly Jake and Sawyer are, except that they are in our hearts. No matter where we travel they come with us. There were times that the twins collected stones to bring to Jake and Sawyer. And, there were little signs that I like to believe Jake and Sawyer sent to us.
Family Medical Leave Act
June 18, 2013 at 4:44 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 4 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA), life after loss, new not so normal, Parental Bereavement Act (Farley-Kluger Initiative), post traumatic stress disorder, thoughts
According to the US Department of Labor the Family Medical Leave Act of 1993 (FMLA):
“Entitles eligible employees of covered employers to take unpaid, job-protected leave for specified family and medical reasons with continuation of group health insurance coverage under the same terms and conditions as if the employee had not taken leave. Eligible employees are entitled to (among other things):
- Twelve work weeks of leave in a 12-month period for:
- the birth of a child and to care for the newborn child within one year of birth;
- the placement with the employee of a child for adoption or foster care and to care for the newly placed child within one year of placement;
- to care for the employee’s spouse, child, or parent who has a serious health condition;
- a serious health condition that makes the employee unable to perform the essential functions of his or her job
The problem is once the family member dies there are often little or no benefits. When Jake died I had a c-section and could not return to work for 6 weeks. The ironic thing was that after he died all I wanted to do was go back to work because being on maternity leave with no baby was beyond awful for me. Evan’s work was extremely understanding and kind. He ended up missing about a month of work – the 2 weeks Jake was alive and then the 2 weeks after his death.
When Sawyer suddenly died Evan again missed 2 weeks of work. Again, we were very fortunate that his work was so understanding. I know that is not always the case. Dealing with the death of your child and the stress of an employer not giving you time off is too much for anyone.
Bereaved father, Kelly Farley, is taking action to fix this issue. He has created the Parental Bereavement Act (Farley-Kluger Initiative). It is a petition to modify the existing Family Medical Leave Act. The objective of Petition is the following:
“Modify existing FMLA to expand coverage and existing benefits to employees that have experienced the death of a child.”
If you would like to support this modification of the FMLA please click this link to sign the e-petition. I have already signed it!
Father’s Day
June 16, 2013 at 9:14 am | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, normal?, Sawyer | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, father's day, Grieving Dad's Project, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, thoughts
Several years ago I adapted this poem (A Mother’s Day Wish From Heaven) by Jody Seilheimer, for Father’s Day. This year I came across another (more accurate, I think) poem for a bereaved father. It was sent to Kelly Farley, creator of a Grieving Dad’s Project, from Grief haven.
Dear Mr. Hallmark ….. One More Time
Hello there Mr. Hallmark man,
I wrote to you in May
To ask that words of love be shared
With my mom on Mother’s Day.
Just as there is no card for Mom
To let her know I care,
There is no card for my dad, too,
And I have so much to share.
It’s very hard for my loving dad
To know that I’m okay.
To protect me was his job, he feels,
So he thinks he failed some way.
Although I had to leave this world,
While still considered young,
There is no way he ever failed—
There’s no more he could have done.
My dad he tends to question
Those things he cannot see.
I always send him little signs
To say, “Hey, Dad, it’s me!”
I hear him crying in the car,
The shower hides his tears.
He feels he has to be so strong
For those he holds so dear.
My dad he often gets so mad
At what became of me.
He wants so much to understand,
He says, “How could this be?”
I somehow need to let him know,
Though impossible it seems—
For him to live and laugh again
Will fulfill so many dreams.
The card I need to send right now
To a dad as great as mine,
Will thank him for the love he gave
Throughout my brief lifetime.
He’s still the one that I call Dad,
Our bond’s forever strong,
‘Cuz even though he can’t see me,
Our love lives on and on.
Please help me find a way
To tell my dad that when
It comes his time to leave the earth
I’ll be waiting there for him.
And also, Mr. Hallmark man,
Please help him to believe,
That nothing will ever change the fact
That my dad he’ll always be.
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