Thanksgivukkah
November 26, 2013 at 10:10 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 3 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, gratitude, Hanukkah, holidays, Jewish customs, life after loss, new not so normal, thankful, Thanksgiving, Thanksgivukkah, thoughts
This year the 1st day of Hanukkah and Thanksgiving fall on the same day. Apparently, this only happens once every 79,000 years or something. So, I am thankful it is happening during my lifetime. As I have mentioned before, since Jake and then Sawyer have died the holidays can be difficult. So, by combining 2 of them maybe this year will be easier.
I am so very thankful for family and friends who have stood by us during the best and worst of times of our lives. I am certain that I would not be able to get through this journey alone. I will continue to always be very thankful for the time that we did have with Jake and Sawyer. I try not to dwell on the Hanukkahs and Thanksgivings that we did not have and will never have with them. Some days are just harder than others.
Happy Hanukkah! Happy Thanksgiving! And, Happy Thanksgivukkah to those of you celebrating both!
The unbirthday
November 20, 2013 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 7 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, new not so normal, perspective, siblings
There are many ways to celebrate a deceased loved one’s birthday. This year on Sawyer’s birthday I ran in a race in the morning. One of my close friends suggested the idea. I did not realize at the time that it was a 4 mile race benefiting Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta. So, it was a 4 mile race on Sawyer’s 4th birthday benefiting the hospital where he died. Seems appropriate, doesn’t it?
After the race we went to lunch with the twins. We had pie. Not birthday cake. The little girl at the table next to us asked me if we were having dessert because it was someone’s birthday. I said, “Yes, but the birthday boy is not here.”
Next we went to the cemetery where Sawyer’s sister decorated and sang happy birthday. It started to rain. I was thankful that the raindrops hid my tears.
Evan was a bit cranky which is more than understandable when you should be celebrating with your 4-year-old son but instead you are going to the cemetery.
Evan holding Sawyer
My broken heart was glad when the day was finally done (even though I know my arms will ache to hold Sawyer just as much tomorrow).
Tomorrow
November 16, 2013 at 10:40 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 8 CommentsTags: #WorldPrematurityDay, baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, hope, March of Dimes, new not so normal, perspective, premature birth
The March of Dimes along with other parent groups and organizations in countries around the world dedicate tomorrow to raise awareness about premature birth and how it can be prevented. It is World Prematurity day. Hopefully, awareness and support will lead to more healthy babies. No family should have to live in a world without their child/children.
Tomorrow is also the would be/should be/never will be 4th birthday of our sweet Sawyer. While he was not premature, there are still no words to describe how much my arms ache to hold this little boy. . .
Sweet Sawyer (& Spam)
November 14, 2013 at 9:18 am | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, thoughts
Last week Evan sent me a very wise email with the subject line “Charlie Brown knows. . .”
If only we could . . .
Miss you so very much Mr. Sawyer. Love you always.
P.S. So sorry if you recently received spam from me again. I have changed my password and hopefully I should be spam free now.
Song for All Seasons
November 8, 2013 at 11:15 am | Posted in Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 12 CommentsTags: #DPchallenge, child loss, death of a baby, hope, new not so normal, songs
My mom sang this song to me when I was little. We sang this song to all 4 of our children. Now 2 of them sing to us. . .
The second verse was tougher for me especially after Jake and Sawyer died. There were many mornings when I woke up hoping that I was holding our other 2 sons.
The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head, and I cried
I will keep singing this song (now with the twins). And hoping for more sunshine.
Strong?
November 4, 2013 at 10:44 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, grief, life after loss, new not so normal, thoughts
Dear Sawyer,
It is me, your mom. It is almost your birthday. And again, there will be no party. You are still gone. We have made it through 3 other birthdays without you. I know that we will make it through this one too. Thanks to your older brother, Jake, I know that we can make it through a 4th birthday without the birthday boy. In fact, I can make it through every day with out you both. I just do not want to. . .
I miss you. I love you forever.
All Hallows Eve
November 1, 2013 at 10:51 pm | Posted in Jake, Sawyer | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, Day of the Dead, death of a baby, Halloween, holidays, new not so normal, perspective, thoughts
October 31st is not only Halloween but it also starts the celebration of the Mexican holiday Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead). The tradition focuses on celebrating and remembering friends and family who have passed away. Unlike Halloween, the celebration honors those who have died with food, festivities and an elaborate altar. The observance is on November 1st and 2nd, which coincides with the Catholic All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day. November 1st is for celebrating children and infants who have died. It is called Dia de los Inocentes (Day of the Innocents) or Dia de los Angelitos (Day of the Little Angels). November 2nd is for remembering all friends and family no matter what their age. In some beliefs, it is a three-day holiday beginning on October 31st, All Hallows Eve, when some believe the souls of young children arise at midnight.
I have never made an altar but I am very thankful to one of my close friends who includes Jake and Sawyer’s pictures on her altar. Maybe one day I will try to make an altar. There is a part of me that wants to make Halloween (along with all days) extra fun and extra special for the twins because I cannot ever do these things for Jake and Sawyer. No worries, I do know that the twins deserve fun and extra special just because of themselves.
There is a house in our neighborhood that has crazy blow ups for every holiday. I try to drive the twins by the house often during Halloween. Here it is during the day:
Here is the house at night:
And here we are (minus Evan):
Happy Halloween!
Bereavement Training
October 24, 2013 at 10:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, NICU, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: baby loss, bereavement training, child loss, compassion, death of a baby, gratitude, kindness, life after loss, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
Today I, along with several other parents, spoke to a group of nurses as part of their bereavement training. This is the second parent panel I have been a part of in the last few months and I have participated in several others over the years. At times, I find talking about Jake and Sawyer cathartic. I am always hopeful that sharing our story can somehow help others. After each of these panels I have come away with lists of suggestions for nurses and tips for NICU parents.
There is a common theme in all the stories. All bereaved parents want their child/children to be remembered. There will not be the lifetime of memories that hopefully other children will have. The stay in the hospital and every aspect of it is very often all the parents have. The doctors and nurses are big parts of these memories. The kindness and compassion of the medical professionals is so important. I am thankful that bereavement training exists.
No matter how small the baby is or how long the baby lived, parents want their baby treated like every other baby. They want to be treated like every other parent. One mom said she just felt like she was in the middle of a really bad Lifetime movie. We are all hoping that we can change the channel or wake up from the nightmare of outliving our child/children. Unfortunately, this is our reality. Thank you to all those who help us along our way.
Written in Stone
September 22, 2013 at 9:38 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: cemetery, death of a baby, new not so normal, perspective
As I explained in this post, the bolts on Jake and Sawyer’s nameplates were replaced. I still do not understand what happened to the bolts. There was no construction in the area. No other recent funerals have been by their plot. I might have to add this to the long list of unknowns.
Maybe, as my very sweet cousin pointed out Jake and Sawyer are just being boys playing together and being mischievous. Or perhaps, Jake and Sawyer are just giving us other ways to take care of them. I do not know.
I do know that the grounds people found other bolts to secure the nameplates for the time being. They did explain that because these are not the original bolts they might not hold. This part I understand very well, if the nameplates move again we will have to reorder them both. If anyone is keeping count that will be the 4th nameplate for Jake and the 3rd for Sawyer.
I am okay with waiting to see what happens and I know that the saying is that “nothing is written in stone.” But ultimately, these nameplates are written in stone for Jake and Sawyer. They should be right.
Odd but NOT Ok
September 12, 2013 at 2:26 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer, venting | 12 CommentsTags: baby loss, cemetery, child loss, death of a baby, grief, missing bolts, new not so normal, unexplainable
Dream
I am drawn quietly to his grave to check on him,
Just as I’d have been drawn quietly to his crib.
I trim the grass around his marker,
And dream of trimming bangs from his forehead.
I place flowers in his vase,
And dream of placing kisses on his cheek.
I hold his memory dear to my heart,
And dream of holding him in my arms.
Author unknown
I no longer have any way to physically take care of Jake or Sawyer. The best I can do is going to the cemetery and checking on their shared plot. I know that frequenting a cemetery does not work for some but it is something that I need to do.
Over the last month both Jake and Sawyer’s nameplates have been slightly shifting. I thought maybe the bolts were loose. I shift them back and feel better. Until yesterday.
I could not even shift the plates back. And, where are the bolts?! I do not understand.
I called the cemetery office and immediately broke down into tears trying to explain to the receptionist what I was calling about. Who calls about missing bolts from not just 1 but 2 of their sons’ headstones?! She finally understood me and agreed to send out a maintenance person.
No one can explain what happened to the bolts that should be securing the nameplates to the granite. However, they are both repaired for the moment. We are going to wait and watch to see what happens. I am so not okay with this.
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