Anger
September 24, 2012 at 10:46 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, normal?, twins | 7 CommentsTags: anger, child loss, death of a baby, Down syndrome, grandparents, Jake, motherhood, new not so normal, thoughts, trisomy 21
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world — that is the myth of the atomic age — as in being able to remake ourselves. – Gandhi
Anger. It is the 2nd stage of grief according to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. At the time of Jake’s and Sawyer’s deaths I do not specifically remember feeling anger. Perhaps there was no room for anger because the stages of denial, bargaining and depression seemed to have trapped me. However, anger creeps into my life at unexpected times.
I was waiting in line with one of the twins so that she could sit in a fire truck. We were patiently waiting our turn.
We were in line behind a very cute girl with Down syndrome. She was not so sure about climbing up the stairs of the fire truck. The fireman offered to help her but she wanted to do it herself.
I asked the woman with the girl in front of us in line how old she was. She responded, “She is my daughter’s girl and she is 8.” I wanted to say something back to her like “You mean she is your granddaughter?” I remained silent. Jake would have been 7. Would he have liked fire trucks?
My little girl began to ask repeatedly, “When is it my turn?” My silence broke to reassure her that, “It is your turn next.”
The woman with the girl, looked at my daughter who at this point was jumping up and down as she continued to whine about her turn, pointed towards her granddaughter and said “This will really teach you patience.” And there it was – anger. I was angry at this grandmother. I have not walked in her shoes. I do not know the first thing about her life but I was angry. The voice inside my head wanted to explain to her that I too had a Down syndrome child but he died. He died before I got the chance to learn that level of patience. I once again remained silent.
Boys (& Girls) of Summer
September 10, 2012 at 12:04 am | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, normal? | 6 CommentsTags: baseball, death of a baby, fathers, Jake, life after loss, lucky, new not so normal, thoughts, trisomy 21, twins
When Evan and I were told it was 100% certain that Jake had trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome), 1 million thoughts raced through my mind. I doubt I can adequately articulate my exact thoughts and feelings at that moment. However, when we were “by accident” told that Jake was a boy I remember very clearly the precise thought which entered my mind first. The realization that Evan might not be able to play little league with our son was the thought which resonated first (and loudest) in my brain.
Jake was born 14 weeks early and only lived for 14 days. He did not ever leave the NICU. He never played little league. His little brother and little sister did join a team this year. They played in their first little league game over the weekend.
The team shirts were randomly given out right before the game. I have always thought that Jake’s lucky number was 14. So, maybe just maybe he was there today too.
Letter to the Twins’ Kindergarten Teachers
September 4, 2012 at 10:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 11 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, family, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
Dear Ms. B. and Ms. K.,
We have been having a great year so far. The twins love being in your classes. We completed the Family Tree homework assignment which was due today. I thought I should clarify about a few of the leaves. The ones which I am specifically referring to are the following:
I honestly do not know what the twins will say about these leaves when it is their turn to present. They may say something like “Jake and Sawyer are flowers.” Or, they could tell the class how they bring stones to Jake and Sawyer. It is also possible they could tell the class which Halloween costumes they have picked out for Jake and Sawyer.
Jake was their older brother. He died before the twins were born. Sawyer was their younger brother. He died when the twins were 2 1/2 years old. I do not know if they have any real memories of Sawyer.
The twins will not cry as they excitedly tell you and the rest of their class about their brothers. They will happily talk and talk about them both. They will smile as they explain to you how much they wish Jake and Sawyer would grow.
If you have any questions please feel free to let me know (I will try my best but I can not promise that I will not cry).
Thanks again,
The Twins’, Jake’s and Sawyer’s Mom
Family Portrait
August 28, 2012 at 9:58 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 14 CommentsTags: baby loss, family, Jake, life after loss, miscarriage, new not so normal, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
Here is our family. One of the twins pulled out her markers after school and this is what she created for me. In case you are not sure who is pictured here I will explain:
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I am on the left side and look as if I have never seen a brush in my life. However, I do have a nice purple bow in my hair.
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Evan is way on the right. He is very tall. And thin. He could also use a good hair brushing.
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In the middle are the twins. She is in pink. He is in blue.
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Also in the middle, and above the twins are our dogs, Buddy and Baby. They usually have their paws planted on the floor.
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At the very bottom of the page are our fish, Fred and Rose. Fred was recently renamed Lightening Flash Fred.
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Which brings us to the circles in the middle. . .The larger of the circles is Jake. The next largest circle is Sawyer. The smallest is for the baby . I did not realize they even knew that I was pregnant. I was wrong.
7 years minus 1 day & I still miss you
August 26, 2012 at 9:14 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, hydrops, Time | 15 CommentsTags: anniversaries, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, hydrops fetalis, Jake, new not so normal, parenting, quotes, thoughts
It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. Rose Kennedy
Dear Jake,
Tomorrow it will be 7 years since your Dad and I held you. I am still not sure how anyone got me to leave the NICU that Friday night. I have nothing really new to tell you. It is another day without you. Tomorrow will come and you will officially be gone for 7 years. The numbers do not matter. I will miss you forever. Love you always. I will look for you in my dreams.
Thank you Jake
August 12, 2012 at 9:52 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, twins, why I write | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, gratitude, hope, Jake, Jewish customs, quotes, Sawyer, twins
“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together
keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever.”
Winnie the Pooh, A. A. Milne
Dear Jake,
It was 7 years ago today when I was admitted to the hospital. The doctors said there was no other option. You were not ready for this world. I suppose the world was not ready for you. Your dad and I were terrified when the doctor told us my contractions were 3 minutes apart. I could not believe at 26 weeks it could possibly be real. I did truly believe you would live. You held on for 2 more days before we actually got to meet you.
I still cannot understand how it is 7 years later. I do not need a calendar to tell me the time of year. My tears are much closer to the surface. The lump in my throat is back. My irritation and impatience have also risen just below my skin. My nerves are so raw. I wish to lock myself away so that I do not snap. I already have apologized to your daddy. If only just for a few moments I could be with you and your littlest brother. I know that it is not possible. However, this time of year I frequently seem to find myself back on the island of denial.
Your Yahrzeit was this weekend. (The Yahrzeit falls annually on the Hebrew date of the deceased relative’s death according to the Jewish calendar as opposed to the secular calendar.) Your dad and I lit a Yahrzeit candle for you.
You have 2 new cousins! Welcome to the world Eli and Owen!! I wish you could meet them. You probably already know this but your sister asked if she could have one of the babies. She desperately wants a baby brother. She talks about you and Sawyer almost every day. This morning she brought me two blankets she found for each of you. She is so sweet and thoughtful. I am trying my best to keep it together.
Thank you for chosing us as your parents. Thank you for the time you were able to spend with us. Thank you for sending us your baby brother and sister. They are shielding us from all the rain.
I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back baby boy. I will look for you in my dreams.
It is complicated
August 8, 2012 at 9:26 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, Love, normal? | 10 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, hope, Jake, quotes, Sawyer, twins
It is complicated to explain. Or maybe it is not. The twins are doing and will continue to do things that Jake and Sawyer never did and never will. This is a fact. A bittersweet part of our lives.
There will be no first days and no last days. And nothing in between. Sometimes I play the pointless “What if” game. What if there were more time with Jake and with Sawyer?
I just read True Compass: A Memoir by Ted Kennedy. He included a letter his father Joseph Kennedy Sr. wrote to a friend whose son had just died:
Dear Jack,
There are no words to dispel your feelings at this time, and there is no time that will ever dispel them. Nor is it any easier the second time than it was the first.And yet I cannot share your grief, because no one could share mine. When one of your children goes out of your life, you think of what he might have done with a few more years and you wonder what you are going to do with the rest of yours.
You never really accept it; you just go through the motions. Then one day, because there is a world to be lived in, you find yourself a part of it again, trying to accomplish something–something that he did not have time enough to do. And, perhaps, that is the reason for it all. I hope so.
Sincerely, Joe
I hope so too.
Odd but Ok
July 20, 2012 at 2:34 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, life after loss, normal? | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, Jake, new not so normal, parenthood, quotes, Sawyer, unexplainable
Ever since Sawyer’s unveiling I have been watching the earth move farther and farther away from Jake and Sawyer’s headstone. Ground settles. No big deal. I kept checking. I thought about bringing some dirt and trying to fill it in. Stones started to fall into the crack. The split grew larger and larger. I decided to ask about it. I went to the office at the cemetery. The groundskeeper explained to me that a combination of ground settling and rain can cause headstones to sink. Not what I wanted to hear. He asked if I could show him the headstone and then he could determine the best course of action. Great. Action is good. In fact, fix it right now, please.
We drove out to Jake and Sawyer. I showed him the crack. He told me that they would lift up the marble and pack it down with more dirt. Ok. I asked, “Can we do that right now? ” He replied that he would put in a work order but it would not get done for a week or 2. I thought about it. Ok. Jake and Sawyer are not going anywhere. There is no urgency. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I was actually taking care of something for them. I will never give them a bath, brush their hair or help them get dressed. Oddly, I felt good about placing the work order to fix the crack between the earth and the headstone.
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme,
and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Life is about not knowing, having to change,
taking the moment and making the best of it. . .” – Gilda Radner
Sibling Rivalry?
July 16, 2012 at 5:46 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 14 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, Jake, parenthood, perspective, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
On any given day our twins will be arguing over who is “bigger”. She is 3-4 inches taller. He is 1 minute older. I have explained these facts over and over again. So technically they are both right. However, in their 4-year-old (almost 5) minds this is not a satisfactory solution. I am not sure why but I continue to feel the need to unsuccessfully rationalize with them. Sibling rivalry at its finest.
The other day I was driving. The twins were in their seats in the back. It had not been a particularly good day. There had been arguing between the 2 of them. There had been time outs (or as it is known in our house, “the zone”). All seemed to have calmed down as I drove along until the question was asked. I have always known this question would be asked one day but somehow I was not prepared.
“Do you love Jake and Sawyer more?”
Silence.
“Mama, who do you love the most?”
More silence.
I realized that if I did not answer quickly this line of questioning would continue possibly forever. In case you did not know, 4 almost 5-year-olds can be very persistent.
“I love you all the same. I just miss Jake and Sawyer more. I can not hug them the way I hug you both.”
Molly Bears and Mixed Blessings
June 16, 2012 at 7:48 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, silver lining, Time, twins | 6 CommentsTags: Aching arms, bereaved parents, Buddha, child loss, death of a baby, Jake, Molly Bears, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable, ways to honor the memory of your child
Mixed Blessings:
The twins have finished another year of preschool. This is what I want. I want them to be healthy. They should grow up, unlike their brothers who are frozen in time. So why do I have such mixed emotions as yet another year flies by? There is so much to look forward to as the twins get older. Is it the fact that there is nothing to look forward to for Jake and Sawyer? Or, is it because the twins might be leaving preschool behind and starting kindergarten?
Which brings me to reason #2 I am a mixed-up mom at the moment. The twins’ birthday is 8 days before school here starts. They will be among the youngest in their class. Many of the neighborhood children who I thought would be starting kindergarten with them are going to another year of preschool (or pre kindergarten). Evan and I have a few options for the twins. Whatever we decide will work for our family. In the meantime, I will keep repeating the words of my therapist or Buddha (or maybe both. . .) “everything is exactly the way it should be right now.”
Molly Christine died at 34 weeks, on May 30th 2010. A high school friend gave her parents a weighted teddy bear. Molly’s mom added rice to the bear so that it was the exact weight of Molly at her time of death/birth. While nothing will replace Molly it helped her mother to hold the teddy bear. Her mother began to make Molly Bears for other bereaved parents. They have received over a thousand orders and so far have created hundreds of bears. Molly Bears are now with families in all 50 states and 13 countries.
Evan and I ordered bears for Jake and Sawyer. We are looking forward to holding them in our arms.
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