Missing you on Mother’s Day
May 12, 2013 at 9:14 am | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 8 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, grief, life after loss, mother's day, new not so normal, thoughts
Dear Jake and Sawyer,
There is not a day that I do not think of you both. I know that you are both miracles. I was lucky enough to hold you both even for just a moment. I am thankful for the time that I spent with you. I just wish there were more moments. My arms ache to hold you.
I miss you every day. Some days are just harder. Mother’s Day is one of those days. Although the logical part of me knows that this is just a hallmark holiday. The original creator, Anna Jarvis, herself was even disappointed by how commercialized the day had become.
May 5th was International Bereaved Mother’s Day. I have to confess I try not to think about these days. It is not too hard to do in May. Especially now that your brother and sister are in kindergarten. The end of the year seems to bring extra activities that make it even easier to forget about the date.
I love you both to the moon and back. I will look for you in my dreams.
I know that this day is hard for so many. There are the other mothers in the club whose arms will also ache to hold their children. There are others who are missing their mothers and grandmothers. I send hope and hugs to you all.
Thank you!
April 28, 2013 at 8:54 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 9 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, hope, life after loss, March of Dimes, perspective, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
Yesterday was the March of Dimes – March for Babies. We warmed up:
We ran:
We rested:
And most importantly, we remembered Jake, Sawyer and all the other babies who were not there to march with us:
Thank you again for supporting our team this year and in past years. We appreciate all of your amazing kindness and generosity.
The Other Side
April 26, 2013 at 7:44 am | Posted in after death?, Grief, Jake, Love, normal?, Sawyer | 4 CommentsTags: Buddha, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, life after loss, March of Dimes, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
One day a young Buddhist on his journey home came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier.
Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey, he saw a great teacher on the other side of the river. The young Buddhist yells over to the teacher, “Oh wise one, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river”?
The teacher ponders for a moment looks up and down the river and yells back, “My son, you are on the other side”.
I have been and might always be on a journey to find the cause of Sawyer’s death. I have wanted to be in a place where all of my children are living. Not stuck between my two worlds.
I cannot do anything to bring back Jake or Sawyer. I am here. On the other side. However, maybe just maybe I can help spare other parents the heartbreak of having to live in a world without their child/children. So, as we have done every year since Jake died, our family will walk in the March of Dimes, March for Babies this Saturday.
Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years. We appreciate all of your amazing kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides please click this link.
Names in the sand (part 2) and Spam
April 12, 2013 at 8:36 am | Posted in after death?, Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, death, death of a baby, gratitude, hope, perspective, thank you, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
So sorry if you recently received spam from me. I have changed my password and hopefully I should be spam free now.
In case you could not see the link to Jake’s name in the sand here it is:
Thank you again Carly Marie! Here is Sawyer’s too:
Sending you all hugs and hope. I truly appreciate you reading and remembering Jake and Sawyer.
Names in the Sand: Jake and Sawyer on Christian’s Beach
April 8, 2013 at 12:02 am | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, Christian's Beach, death of a baby, gratitude, life after loss, Names in the Sand, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
I am forever grateful to Carly Marie. This past week she wrote Jake and Sawyer’s names in the sand on Christian’s beach in Western Australia.
Carly Marie began writing names in the sand after her son, Christian, died. And so began Carly Marie’s Project Heal. She writes “it is a simple act that recognizes a life. It gives something beautiful to a family that may only have a few memories of their child – or even none at all.”
If you or someone you know would like to request a name be written on Christian’s Beach click here. The wait list is closed right now but she will post when it will open.
Thank you again Carly Marie!
“At the end of the day all the children of heaven come together to paint the colours of the sunset”
– Carly Marie Dudley
Thankful 2012
November 22, 2012 at 7:28 am | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 8 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, gratitude, holidays, new not so normal, perspective, quotes
I am forever thankful for the people who supported and continue to support Evan and I through the darkest times in our lives. I have not officially thanked you all but please know that you have our eternal gratitude. Hope that you all have a very happy Thanksgiving!
Remembering Miracles
November 16, 2012 at 10:02 am | Posted in Grief, life lessons, normal?, silver lining | 3 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, Jake, kindness, new not so normal, perspective, remembering miracles, Sawyer, ways to honor the memory of your child
Thank you Samantha Murphy for remembering Jake and Sawyer. Samantha recently started writing, Remembering Miracles. She writes to ” keep the memories alive of the children who are now walking as angels in Heaven.” Her blog is “to honor them, and to share their stories, so that they will live on forever, and never be forgotten. But although they are no longer physically here, their spirits live on, and will never fade as they continue to fight for their cause. So come on. Join the fights. Join the remembrance. What have you got to lose?”
I am honored that she wrote about Sawyer. Remember Sawyer.
And, she wrote about Jake. Remember Jake.
Samantha you are so very kind, thoughtful and wise beyond your years. Thank you again for not letting the memories fade.
Better
October 8, 2012 at 11:50 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, grandparents, gratitude, hospice, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer
I have written before how I am so very lucky for my grandfather. I know that he will not live forever. It was never the plan for him to outlive me. I know that is not what he would want. It defies the circle of life that Evan and I have outlived 2 of our children. Jake and Sawyer were supposed to bury us.
My grandfather is now in hospice. Although life is going in the natural order – it is still hard. I do not want to see my grandfather in pain. I want to make it easier. I do not know what to do except what I have always done – love him unconditionally. And, appreciate how much better the world and my life is because of him.
100!
August 30, 2012 at 9:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, silver lining, Time | 10 CommentsTags: birthday, centenarians, family, grandparents, gratitude, happy, happy birthday, hope, new not so normal, sad days, thoughts, williard scott
If things get better with age, then you are approaching magnificent. –Unknown
August is filled with happy and sad days for me but it always ends with the birthday of my amazing grandfather. He is 100! today!! In my opinion he has not only approached magnificent but passed it by long ago. I am so very lucky to have him in my life.
I submitted the birthday application to have the chance for Williard Scott to wish him a Happy Birthday on the Today Show. Apparently there are a lot of centenarians these days and Williard Scott did not wish him a happy birthday. So, I will . . .
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Very Inspiring Blogger Award
August 22, 2012 at 8:28 pm | Posted in life after loss, why I write | 10 CommentsTags: gratitude, new not so normal, perspective, ways to honor the memory of your child
Thank you very much to Di from It’s Dilovely for the nomination for this award:
The rules to the Very Inspiring Blogger Award are as follows:
- Display the Nomination logo on your blog
- Link back to the person who nominated you
- State 7 things about yourself
- Nominate 15 others and link to them
- Notify those bloggers of the nominations & award requirement
See above for #1 & #2. So here goes #3:
- I have 1 million freckles. I was not always so happy to have them. When I was young, my mom always told me that they were kisses from the sun. Now I am ok with the freckles and I am explaining to the twins about their sun kisses (which I still do not know how the sun gets through all the sun block to kiss them!).
- I am left-handed.
- I got an N (non-satisfactory) in handwriting in 2nd grade. We wrote in pencil in 2nd grade and I did not figure out how to pick up my arm and not smear the page till the 3rd grade.
- In 3rd grade I thought I knew everything. I clearly remember walking home from school one day thinking to myself, “I know how to divide and multiply. I can write the alphabet in cursive. What else could I possibly learn in school?” Turns out there was a lot left to learn and I did not even need to bother learning cursive…
- I worked at an ice cream store in high school. My friend Susan worked there too. Susan and I are both tall with brown hair and brown eyes. I have freckles (see #1) and she doesn’t but people would often confuse us for each other. The owners of the ice cream store called us both Susan the entire time I worked there.
- Evan proposed at an ice cream store and had an ice cream flavor created for me.
- My grandfather is turning 100 next week!
Okay – finished with #3. Here goes #4, nominations:
- Mama Bird Diaries – Kelcey is super funny, clever and witty. She always makes me laugh and reminds me to look for the funny in life. I am pretty sure that Kelcey’s blog is the first one I ever read.
- Four Plus An Angel – Jessica is the mother of 5. She has a teenage daughter with autism, 2 surviving triplets and a rainbow baby in her arms. Hadley is always in her heart. She writes beautifully and has the uncanny ability to write exactly how I am feeling.
- Cora’s Story – Kristine writes in memory of her daughter Cora. Along with writing about her blog, Kristine also wrote the free e-book When a Friend’s Baby Dies.
- A Greener Biener – Daphne writes about her and her families’ adventures in treating the planet more gently and eating better. She has not only given me recipes for kale chips but inspired me to compost.
- The Spohrs Are Multiplying – Heather and Mike both blog on this site. Their first daughter Maddie died suddenly in April of 2009. The blog includes adventures of their daughter, Annie as well as photography tips, hair do ideas, recipes and life without Maddie.
- The Good Cook – Linda shares fantastic recipes and her journey since TBHITW (the best husband in the world) died.
- Rock Star Ronan – Ronan died in 2010 from neuroblastoma cancer. His mother, Maya made a promise that she would continue to fight for Ronan until cancer survival rates start to improve and eventually a cure is found.
- Faces of Loss – Kristen Cook created this group blog when her daughter Stevie Joy was born still. Kristen felt alone in her grief until she started to search the internet. She created a place for women to share their stories and faces. Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope brings awareness to the issue of pregnancy/infant loss.
- Simon’s Beat – The Sudman’s created Simon’s Fund and the blog in memory of their baby boy, Simon. The mission of Simon’s Fund is “To save a child’s life . . . and then another, by raising awareness of conditions that lead to sudden cardiac arrest and death.”
- Jana’s Thinking Place, Mommy wants Vodka and Band Back Together – Becky (from Mommy Wants Vodka) and Jana are the creators/editors of the group site Band Back Together. It is a place where people connect about the good, the bad and the ugly parts of life.
- Missing Maxie – Abby writes about her son Max, who died at the age 9 1/2 months and her newborn Mo.
- Glow in the Woods – This is a group blog for “For parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds.” The creator an editor, Angie also writes the blog Still Life With Circles and created the project right where I am.
- Dr. Joanne – Joanne Cacciatore started the MISS Foundation as a way for families to cope with the tragedy of a child’s death.
- The Crazy Life of a Writing Mom – EC Stilson wears many hats. She is an author, a musician and a mom and writes about all of her adventures.
- It’s Dilovely – Di blogs from the perspective as a mother (one child with her, one who died and one on the way). She also writes from the perspective of a person (BANG, by a normal girl).
One of my hopes for my writing is that someone will read this blog and find something that will make their life some how easier. Thank you again, Di, for the honor.
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