neighbors
September 15, 2014 at 10:40 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 12 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, hope, miscarriage, new not so normal, Sad, thoughts
Our old neighbors stopped by the other day. They moved over a year ago and we have not seem them. We really like them and the twins played all the time with their oldest daughter. We were sad when they moved and we have missed them. So I was not prepared for my crazy mix of emotions when they drove up. Although now that I think about it, I should have been.
We were pregnant at the same time. Their 4-year-old boy happily raced up our driveway. My thoughts not so unexpectedly went to our never will be 4-year-old boy, Sawyer. And then out of the car toddled their youngest daughter. I remember her mom telling me that she was pregnant. I was so very happy for them and extra excited because I was hoping to tell them in a few weeks that we were expecting too. I never told them because I miscarried.
We caught up and watched the twins and their 3 children run around. They asked about our other neighbors. I told them about the new neighbor baby born in August and the other one born in July. I am so very happy for those neighbors too but I could feel the pit in my stomach and the familiar lump start to grow in my throat. We chatted until it was time to get their kids back in the car.
I kept it together until they drove away. I could not hold back the tears any longer. I miss Sawyer. I miss the baby I miscarried. I am happy for our neighbors but sad for us. I do not actually want their babies but seeing them makes me miss our lost children. Those feelings are so hard for me. Why can’t I just be happy for other people and not sad for who is missing from our lives?
Luckily, the twins were waiting for me to make their dinner and for that I am eternally grateful.
The Happy and The Sad
August 26, 2014 at 8:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, bittersweet, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, hope, Jake, Jewish customs, new not so normal, Sad
The happy and the sad are so closely entwined during the month of August that I have whiplash. Jake’s birthday, my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary!!, more yahrzeits, more birthdays and tomorrow will be Jake’s death day. I know there are only so many days in a year so birthdays and anniversaries have to overlap at times but August for me has overwhelming extremes.
At 6:14 am tomorrow, it will be 9 years since we last held Jake. The day after will be the anniversary of his funeral. And all the days after that will continue to be bittersweet but maybe one day we will hold sweet Jake again.
Family Picture – August 27, 2005
Dear Jake
August 14, 2014 at 9:14 pm | Posted in Grief | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal
Dear Jake,
today you would have been 9. do you know how much we miss you? i do not have the right words at the moment to tell you. in fact my words and thoughts have been stuck for awhile. i guess you know this already.
i just want to tell you happy birthday baby boy. love and miss you so very much. xoxo
how do you live in a world without your child/children?
June 28, 2014 at 8:28 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life after loss, Love | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, grief, Jake, new not so normal, parenthood, Sawyer, thoughts
I honestly do not know. I feel like after Jake and then Sawyer died I should have some words of wisdom. . .but I don’t.
I find myself looking at other parents. Wondering what it would be like to watch all of your children grow up. I know that everyone has their own tragedies – they are different but difficult all the same. I know that I am lucky to have the privilege of being a parent to each of my children and to have held them (even if for only a short time).
Time does not make it better – just different.
I do not believe that Jake and Sawyer are in “a better place.” I do not know where they are but I wish it were with us.
I know that there is not a path to “get over” the death of your child/children. It is not the same for everyone. Some of us do not talk about our children at all. Some of us advocate for a cure for their cause of death. Some of us write about them. All of us want our children to be remembered.
Return to Zero – Breaking the Silence
May 16, 2014 at 7:26 pm | Posted in Grief | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, break the silence, child loss, death, death of a baby, life after loss, miscarriage, new not so normal, parenthood, Resurrection, Return to Zero, stillbirth, thoughts, unexplainable
Return to Zero premiers May 17th (tomorrow) on Lifetime at 8 pm/7pm central. This is the first movie made about the stillbirth of a child. The mission of the film is to break the silence surrounding stillbirth, miscarriage and neonatal death.
“The impact that one stillbirth has on the mother, the father, their family, and friends is devastating — a shock-wave of pain, guilt and then, too often, silence. The majority of those affected, especially the mothers, suffer in this silence often believing that their grief and trauma is theirs to bear alone.
While planning to entertain and enlighten all audiences with a dramatic tale of the strength and resilience of the human spirit, RETURN TO ZERO intends to break through the silence and become a beacon of cinematic light to the millions in search of answers, understanding and healing.”
Unlike the new show Resurrection, I know that I will be watching Return to Zero.
Dear Mother’s Day Angels
May 12, 2014 at 9:24 pm | Posted in Jake, life lessons, Love, Sawyer | 7 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, holidays, mother's day, new not so normal, thoughts
Dear Jake and Sawyer,
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you both, but some days are harder than others. Mother’s Day is one of those days. Logically it is just another day. You are both gone every. single. day. It is not like the first days, weeks and months after you died when the tears so often streamed down my face without me even realizing. Now most of the time my tears are tucked farther away. The sadness and the joy of loving you both is a part of me.
I know I am not alone. There are so many other mothers in this club with me. There are motherless mothers, motherless fathers and those who have just lost. Death is part of life. And no matter how hard some days can be life goes on.
I like to believe that you both send things my way to make certain days (like Mother’s Day) easier for me. I wanted to thank you both for quite a few of those things this year.
- Thank you for your amazing brother and sister. They make me so very happy, except when they don’t (see 2nd bullet).
- Thank you especially for helping us find your sister when she ran away the first and SECOND time yesterday. One time she really had to go to the bathroom and the other time she thought she was being funny. Neither your dad or I laughed AT ALL.
- Thank you for making me smile when your dad and I were given a “gift bag” when we visited you at the cemetery. I guess they had the Mother’s Day cookout last year so the cemetery marketing people this year opted for gift bags. . .
- Thank you for showing me hope on days that are especially hard to find it. I found another “hope” telephone pole on my running route yesterday!
Hoping for Healthier Babies
April 28, 2014 at 8:28 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life lessons, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, life after loss, March of Dimes, new not so normal, premature birth, ways to honor the memory of your child
Thank you to all of our friends and family for supporting Jake’s Journey and Sawyer’s Strides in the 2014 March of Dimes “March for Babies!” We appreciate you all so much. Special thanks to our super talented sister-in-law for designing a new logo for the t-shirts.
Jake and Sawyer‘s deaths were due to circumstances beyond our control. I cannot describe in words how horribly helpless it feels as a parent to watch your child die and not be able to do a thing to prevent it. The March of Dimes gives us a chance to do something to hopefully prevent another child from dying. Maybe, just maybe, another family will be spared from having to try to figure out how to live in this world without their child/children.
Evan was the chairperson of the North Atlanta walk this year. As the twins explained “their daddy got to the park early to put out the chairs!” Although he did not actually put out any chairs, we are so proud of him for all he did and continues to do in the fight for healthier babies.
Thank you again for supporting our team this year and in past years. We are grateful for your amazing kindness and generosity – we could not make it through this journey alone.
Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides
April 22, 2014 at 7:22 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Jake, life lessons, Love, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, hope, March of Dimes, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
No matter how far the distance you have traveled nor the failures that have gathered, hope would still meet you anywhere.
~ Dodinsky ~
Our family has walked in the March of Dimes’ “March for Babies” every year since Jake died. Originally our team was named Jake’s Journey. After Sawyer died we renamed it to Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides. We will be walking again this weekend.
The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality. I believe that the March of Dimes is making a difference and saving babies.
I cannot do anything to bring back Jake or Sawyer but maybe, just maybe, I can help spare other parents the heartbreak of having to live in this world without their child/children.
Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the hospital for matching funds. We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides please click this link.
Trees
April 14, 2014 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, death of a baby, Jewish National Fund, new not so normal, Trees, ways to honor the memory of your child
Last month we went to the playground where trees are planted for Jake and Sawyer. I do not think Sawyer’s tree is doing so well at the moment. . .
The plan is that we will try to straighten it out and hope that it grows better. It is best to plant trees in the colder weather so we will reevaluate in the fall. It makes me feel better just to have a plan.
Many people had trees planted in Israel for Jake and Sawyer when they died. Planting trees in Israel is a tradition which celebrates the life of loved ones. Evan and I often joke that there is a Jake and Sawyer forest at this point. I have never been to Israel and if I do go I would like to see the Jake and Sawyer forest :-).
I did write thank you notes to all the people who had trees planted for Jake. However, I never did write thank you notes for the trees, donations and acts of kindness that were done in memory of Sawyer. I do want to thank all of those who had trees planted for Sawyer and one day I hope to write those notes. Until then, please know how very thankful I am.
I want to wish a happy and healthy Passover to all those who celebrate!
Many ways to mourn
April 2, 2014 at 10:08 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, mourning | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, death of a baby, new not so normal, parenthood
The other day a friend sent me an article about a mother who built a sandbox on her infant sons’ grave. The sandbox is to give her living 3-year-old son a way to “play” with his baby brother. It is a very creative idea which gives her son a way to mourn as well as bond with the brother he will never know.
My friend wrote in the email that the article made her smile. It makes me smile too.
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