Six

November 17, 2015 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 8 Comments
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Sawyer

Happy birthday sweet Sawyer!

I have no words today for how much you are loved and missed.   So i am borrowing the ones from your headstone:

There are stars so far away we only see their light long after they are gone.  Their memories keep shining ever brightly though their time with us is done. 

I will look for you in my dreams.  Love you always and forever.

October 15th

October 14, 2015 at 9:32 pm | Posted in Jake, life lessons, Sawyer, traditions | 3 Comments
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quote - candle - 2015

Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  As part of the day, everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 pm in all time zones, all over the world.  The idea is that if everyone lights a candle at 7 pm and keeps it burning for at least 1 hour, there will be a continuous wave of light.

Today and every day I miss Jake and Sawyer but tomorrow at 7 pm we will light candles.  This year I will once again hope that the light from all the candles will make the darkness of the unknown a little brighter.

Update – October 15, 2015 at 7:30 pm:

Remembering Jake and Sawyer and all the other babies gone too soon

Remembering Jake and Sawyer and all the other babies gone too soon

 

Birthday Benches

August 20, 2015 at 11:36 pm | Posted in Grief, hydrops, Jake, life after loss, Love, NICU | 9 Comments
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Jake never left the hospital.  His short life was spent entirely in the NICU.  The only other places Evan and I went with him were the consult room and a small outdoor balcony off of the NICU.

The three of us

While helping with the special project of updating the consult room I heard that the balcony might need some new benches.  It seemed to make sense to me that for Jake’s 10th birthday we should get the benches for the balcony.  So that is what we did.  We miss you Jake.

quote - roses - Lincoln

Dear Jake

August 14, 2015 at 11:18 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 8 Comments
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Happy 10th birthday sweet boy.   Thank you for making me a mother.   I have tried really hard today to focus on how lucky we are to have had you in our lives even for such a short time.   The doctors and the statistics were not in favor of us spending any time on this earth together.  You beat the odds and you were born alive.   Then the doctors told us that you most likely would not live through the night – but again you proved them wrong.   You were such a brave and strong fighter.  Thank you for fighting so hard and for making Evan and me parents for the very first time.

I am trying to be brave and strong too but 10 years is an impossibly long time to live in this world without you.   I miss you today and always.  I hope that wherever you are you know how much you are loved and missed.

a special project

July 22, 2015 at 10:36 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, hospital, life after loss, Love, NICU | 12 Comments
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The “consult room” – every hospital has one or several.  The “consult room” is where Evan and I held Jake for the last time. It is where we were when the ER doctor told us that Sawyer was dead. They were different “consult rooms,” in different hospitals but they looked the same. Standard issue plastic couch and chair. Generic flowery art. Striped carpet.

No one wishes to be in these rooms.  The hospital where all 4 of our children were born has a Perinatal Bereavement Office where I volunteer at times.  The extraordinary people who work at the office decided that they were going to renovate the consult room in the Special Care Nursery of the NICU.   I was lucky enough to help with this special project.

One of Evan’s mother’s paintings is now on a wall of the newly decorated consult room.  On another wall there is painting by an artist who is the great-aunt of other parents who also used the room when their little girl, Lily, died.  Her parents helped with this special project too.

image

This is still a room that I hope none of you have to enter.  I know that realistically there are people who will be in that room holding their precious baby for perhaps the first and last time.  I wish that one day all babies will go home with their parents but until that day I am glad that there is now a warm comforting room where families can spend whatever time they have together.

Evan and I are truly honored by the dedication of this room and that this will be part of Jake and Sawyer’s legacy.

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the sun and the earth

June 12, 2015 at 7:28 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 4 Comments
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The twins finished school on May 22nd.  Their elementary school is divided into 2 campuses (k-2 is in the primary campus and 3-5 is in the intermediate campus about a mile away).

The pictures below are from their 2nd graduation parade.  They both picked out the same concert t-shirt to wear.

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Evan said that I should not be sad about the twins going to 3rd grade and at the same time be sad that Sawyer is not starting kindergarten.  The twins growing up and finishing 2nd grade is the way life should be unlike Sawyer (and Jake) who are forever frozen in time.

I did cry in the corner a little bit during the parade but for the most part I have not been as emotional as I was at the end of 1st grade and kindergarten.  I am not sure that if it was Evan’s words of wisdom or the fact that one of the twins had a temperature of 103.8 on the last day of school but we have left the primary campus without too many tears.

So far this summer because of life and work the twins have been spending time with a babysitter.  When I got home from work yesterday they were both so excited to tell me that they went to the park and checked on Jake and Sawyer’s trees.  I have not visited the trees to check on them in such a long time.  It made me so happy that the twins thought to do it.

quote - hafiz-sun

Still Marching

May 6, 2015 at 10:16 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, Love | 1 Comment
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This weekend our family is walking in the March of Dimes’ “March for Babies” just like we have in years past.  Originally our team was named Jake’s Journey.  After Sawyer died we renamed it to Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides.  This year the walk is on Mother’s Day weekend.  Although I wish we were walking with all of our children, I think this is as close of a perfect way to honor all 4 as possible.

The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality.  I believe that the March of Dimes is making a difference and saving babies.

I cannot do anything to bring back Jake or Sawyer but maybe, just maybe, I can help spare other parents the heartbreak of having to live in this world without their child/children.

Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years.  Thank you also to the Northside Hospital for matching funds.  We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity.   Please consider supporting Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides and click here.

Five

November 16, 2014 at 10:54 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 10 Comments
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Dear Sawyer,
Tomorrow would/should be your 5th birthday. Five years ago tonight we were all anxiously waiting to meet you. Your Nanny and Pop came to take care of your big brother and sister while your daddy and I went to the hospital.

I still cannot believe that you are not here with us.  Some mornings I wake up and hope that it all has just been a horrific nightmare.  However, you are gone and this is our reality.  You are forever frozen at 6 weeks old. There are no new pictures to post. I know that I am so lucky to have the ones that we did take.  I just wish there were more.

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I miss you so much.  Happy birthday sweet Sawyer!  As always, I will look for you in my dreams.

 

should you switch ob/gyns after your baby dies?

October 20, 2014 at 10:18 pm | Posted in Jake, life after loss, Sawyer | 4 Comments
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After Jake died we did switch ob/gyns but not initially.  Evan and I decided that so few people knew Jake and our ob/gyn at the time was one of those few.  It also seemed daunting to start all over with a new doctor.  We saw her throughout the pregnancy with the twins however, we switched right after.  I will explain that story in another post.

I still go to the ob/gyn group that we saw during my pregnancy with Sawyer.  I love the doctor who delivered Sawyer but I decided to switch doctors within the group for my annual check ups.  Just like after Jake died it seemed like starting over with a new doctor was too daunting.  By staying in the practice I have not had to start over from the beginning with all the forms.

I (most likely along with a majority of the female population) do not love going for my annual check ups.  I wonder if the waiting room is so upsetting for everyone.  How does it feel to look at all the happy baby pictures on the walls when you have not buried 2 babies?  I do not think that there ob/gyns who specialize in bereaved mothers but maybe they are out there.   Would you switch ob/gyns if your baby died?

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 14, 2014 at 10:14 pm | Posted in Grief | 1 Comment
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“When you come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.”   – Author Unknown (borrowed from the Atlanta Walk to Remember 2010 program)

Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  As part of the day, everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 pm in all time zones, all over the world.  The idea is that if everyone lights a candle at 7 pm and keeps it burning for at least 1 hour, there will be a continuous wave of light.

The candles that we will light were given out at the Atlanta Walk to Remember 2014.   We will be lighting our candles at 7 pm hope you can join us.

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