September 15, 2014 at 10:40 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 12 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Our old neighbors stopped by the other day.  They moved over a year ago and we have not seem them.  We really like them and the twins played all the time with their oldest daughter.  We were sad when they moved and we have missed them.  So I was not prepared for my crazy mix of emotions when they drove up.  Although now that I think about it, I should have been.

We were pregnant at the same time.  Their 4-year-old boy happily raced up our driveway.  My thoughts not so unexpectedly went to our never will be 4-year-old boy, Sawyer.  And then out of the car toddled their youngest daughter.  I remember her mom telling me that she was pregnant. I was so very happy for them and extra excited because I was hoping to tell them in a few weeks that we were expecting too.  I never told them because I miscarried.

We caught up and watched the twins and their 3 children run around.  They asked about our other neighbors.  I told them about the new neighbor baby born in August and the other one born in  July.  I am so very happy for those neighbors too but I could feel the pit in my stomach and the familiar lump start to grow in my throat.  We chatted until it was time to get their kids back in the car.

I kept it together until they drove away.  I could not hold back the tears any longer.  I miss Sawyer.  I miss the baby I miscarried.   I am happy for our neighbors but sad for us.  I do not actually want their babies but seeing them makes me miss our lost children.  Those feelings are so hard for me.  Why can’t I just be happy for other people and not sad for who is missing from our lives?

Luckily, the twins were waiting for me to make their dinner and for that I am eternally grateful.





RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

  1. Hang in there. I love you

    Michael A. Taylor Sent from my iPhone


  2. I definitely know how tough that can be. I have a never would be 4 year old as well. Zhoe. And recently I miscarried again. Much love to you. It never gets easy, no matter how much time passes by.

  3. I know exactly how you feel, my eldest son died at the age of 17, he would have turned 25 this coming Sunday. I cannot “deal” with anyone in that age group and all the milestones that they are getting to experience. I thought I was the only one who felt that way, because I am very bitter and angry about his death. My younger son is now the same age as what his brother was when he died. Now all his milestones from here on will be new experiences for us. Those that say it gets easier with time have no idea what it is like. Sending you virtual hugs.

  4. sending you extra big hugs . . .love, m

  5. Sending you warmth and love — and understanding for your totally normal feelings.

  6. Oh Lanie, this sounds so hard, and as Daphne said, totally normal. Much love to you today and everyday.

  7. You are an amazing woman and mom. You are incredibly giving and joyful for your friends. It is simply who you are. I agree with Daphne and Valerie, the feelings are normal. Sending hugs your way.

  8. Thank you for telling us all. I often feel similar pain. I hope sharing this helps at least a little. xoxo

  9. How you feel is 100% normal. You are too tough on yourself. Of course, it brings up sadness. You have every right to feel this way and doesn’t take away all the gratitude you have for your twins. Holding you in my heart. Miss you. xo

  10. Dahlin. You are an amazing woman, and you show nothing but grace and love to all your friends and family. I am sending love your way.

  11. I remember having to tell you that I was pregnant after Jake died and tried to not tell you but you sniffed it out even with 5,000 miles between us. You have been faced with these everyday reminders of your children which you have lost for years. And I think you handle it beautifully. hugs to you — miss u

  12. Those reminders of what should be are so so hard. I’m sorry you have to keep going through them. xo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at
Entries and comments feeds.

%d bloggers like this: