Fine Tuning
April 28, 2015 at 10:35 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 5 CommentsTags: death of a baby, new not so normal, perspective, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, thoughts
The other day was kindergarten round-up (the “orientation” for rising kindergarteners). Sawyer would be have been 5 in November and he should have been there that day getting a tour of the school he should be starting next school year.
I know that I am not supposed to grow him up in my mind but sometimes I find myself wondering anyway.
My therapist suggested that I slightly adjusting my thinking – kind of like those radio dials we used to turn until the station came in more clearly. For example, one of the twins goes to a doctor in the medical building attached to the hospital where Sawyer died. One day Evan was going instead of me. He had not been there yet so he asked me to clarify which building. There are a lot of medical buildings in that area so I tried my best to explain but was not making any progress. Finally, I said “remember the turn around where we waited the night Sawyer died?” He got it – and knew exactly where to go for the appointment.
If I adjust this conversation slightly in the future instead of giving directions that involve “where we waited the night Sawyer died” I can say “where we park for the doctor.”
This August Sawyer would have started kindergarten (it would have been Jake’s 10th birthday and the 10th anniversary of his death but I am not going to think about that today). Last week was kindergarten round-up. Sawyer was not there. He will not be there on the first day of school. I am trying to adjust my thinking but I am still working on the fine tuning.
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A Mourning Mom 
Sending love. xo
Comment by kelcey— April 28, 2015 #
Thinking of you my friend, it’s nice to see a post from you. Love, Amy
Comment by Amy— April 29, 2015 #
You are always in my thoughts – sending love your way
Comment by Daphne— April 29, 2015 #
I totally feel you on this. The kindergarten milestone is a hard one – you don’t know the date of when Sawyer might have had his first tooth or step or word… but you know when he would have had his first day of school. There’s no way around it. I will be grieving that in September too.
Comment by dilovely— April 29, 2015 #
[…] sad about the twins going to 3rd grade and at the same time be sad that Sawyer is not starting kindergarten. The twins growing up and finishing 2nd grade is the way life should be unlike Sawyer (and Jake) […]
Pingback by the sun and the earth | A Mourning Mom— June 12, 2015 #