Letter to the Twins’ Kindergarten Teachers
September 4, 2012 at 10:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 11 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, family, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
Dear Ms. B. and Ms. K.,
We have been having a great year so far. The twins love being in your classes. We completed the Family Tree homework assignment which was due today. I thought I should clarify about a few of the leaves. The ones which I am specifically referring to are the following:
I honestly do not know what the twins will say about these leaves when it is their turn to present. They may say something like “Jake and Sawyer are flowers.” Or, they could tell the class how they bring stones to Jake and Sawyer. It is also possible they could tell the class which Halloween costumes they have picked out for Jake and Sawyer.
Jake was their older brother. He died before the twins were born. Sawyer was their younger brother. He died when the twins were 2 1/2 years old. I do not know if they have any real memories of Sawyer.
The twins will not cry as they excitedly tell you and the rest of their class about their brothers. They will happily talk and talk about them both. They will smile as they explain to you how much they wish Jake and Sawyer would grow.
If you have any questions please feel free to let me know (I will try my best but I can not promise that I will not cry).
Thanks again,
The Twins’, Jake’s and Sawyer’s Mom
100!
August 30, 2012 at 9:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, silver lining, Time | 10 CommentsTags: birthday, centenarians, family, grandparents, gratitude, happy, happy birthday, hope, new not so normal, sad days, thoughts, williard scott
If things get better with age, then you are approaching magnificent. –Unknown
August is filled with happy and sad days for me but it always ends with the birthday of my amazing grandfather. He is 100! today!! In my opinion he has not only approached magnificent but passed it by long ago. I am so very lucky to have him in my life.
I submitted the birthday application to have the chance for Williard Scott to wish him a Happy Birthday on the Today Show. Apparently there are a lot of centenarians these days and Williard Scott did not wish him a happy birthday. So, I will . . .
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Family Portrait
August 28, 2012 at 9:58 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 14 CommentsTags: baby loss, family, Jake, life after loss, miscarriage, new not so normal, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
Here is our family. One of the twins pulled out her markers after school and this is what she created for me. In case you are not sure who is pictured here I will explain:
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I am on the left side and look as if I have never seen a brush in my life. However, I do have a nice purple bow in my hair.
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Evan is way on the right. He is very tall. And thin. He could also use a good hair brushing.
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In the middle are the twins. She is in pink. He is in blue.
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Also in the middle, and above the twins are our dogs, Buddy and Baby. They usually have their paws planted on the floor.
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At the very bottom of the page are our fish, Fred and Rose. Fred was recently renamed Lightening Flash Fred.
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Which brings us to the circles in the middle. . .The larger of the circles is Jake. The next largest circle is Sawyer. The smallest is for the baby . I did not realize they even knew that I was pregnant. I was wrong.
A Happy Day
August 16, 2012 at 11:42 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 13 CommentsTags: birthday, family, fathers, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, quotes
“Today you are you! That is truer than true!
There is no one alive..…who is you-er than you!
Dr. Seuss “Happy Birthday To You!”
HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVAN!
It is complicated
August 8, 2012 at 9:26 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, Love, normal? | 10 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, hope, Jake, quotes, Sawyer, twins
It is complicated to explain. Or maybe it is not. The twins are doing and will continue to do things that Jake and Sawyer never did and never will. This is a fact. A bittersweet part of our lives.
There will be no first days and no last days. And nothing in between. Sometimes I play the pointless “What if” game. What if there were more time with Jake and with Sawyer?
I just read True Compass: A Memoir by Ted Kennedy. He included a letter his father Joseph Kennedy Sr. wrote to a friend whose son had just died:
Dear Jack,
There are no words to dispel your feelings at this time, and there is no time that will ever dispel them. Nor is it any easier the second time than it was the first.And yet I cannot share your grief, because no one could share mine. When one of your children goes out of your life, you think of what he might have done with a few more years and you wonder what you are going to do with the rest of yours.
You never really accept it; you just go through the motions. Then one day, because there is a world to be lived in, you find yourself a part of it again, trying to accomplish something–something that he did not have time enough to do. And, perhaps, that is the reason for it all. I hope so.
Sincerely, Joe
I hope so too.
Birthday Wishes
July 30, 2012 at 9:50 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, silver lining, twins, why I write | 9 CommentsTags: gratitude, happy, life after loss, twins
Happy Birthday!
As I wrote last year on your 4th birthday I am so very thankful for you two. I am sorry that I did not take you to see your brothers on your birthday. I just could not this weekend. I promise that I will very soon. Then I will take you out for ice cream (thank you Daphne for the brilliant suggestion).
I wish that you had a chance to know your brothers. I wish that I did not have to explain death to you at such an early age. I wish that some of your first sentences did not include “don’t cry mama.”
I wish I could find a picture of you from your 3rd birthday. I will confess to you now that we almost did not have a party for you that year. After Sawyer died the thought of planning a party was so daunting. We realized that you no matter how sad we were you 2 deserve happiness (and a birthday party). We did plan it and if I remember correctly we sent out the invitation the week before. You both had a great time. I just wish that 2010 was not such a blur of grief.
I wish that I could have protected you from my dark days. I wish that you will always know how much sunshine you both bring to me.
I wish that you will continue to look for rainbows where ever you both go and that I can go with you. And hug you both tightly. Love you both to the moon and back.
Sibling Rivalry?
July 16, 2012 at 5:46 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 14 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, Jake, parenthood, perspective, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
On any given day our twins will be arguing over who is “bigger”. She is 3-4 inches taller. He is 1 minute older. I have explained these facts over and over again. So technically they are both right. However, in their 4-year-old (almost 5) minds this is not a satisfactory solution. I am not sure why but I continue to feel the need to unsuccessfully rationalize with them. Sibling rivalry at its finest.
The other day I was driving. The twins were in their seats in the back. It had not been a particularly good day. There had been arguing between the 2 of them. There had been time outs (or as it is known in our house, “the zone”). All seemed to have calmed down as I drove along until the question was asked. I have always known this question would be asked one day but somehow I was not prepared.
“Do you love Jake and Sawyer more?”
Silence.
“Mama, who do you love the most?”
More silence.
I realized that if I did not answer quickly this line of questioning would continue possibly forever. In case you did not know, 4 almost 5-year-olds can be very persistent.
“I love you all the same. I just miss Jake and Sawyer more. I can not hug them the way I hug you both.”
Avery’s Bucket List
July 10, 2012 at 5:40 pm | Posted in after death?, life after loss, Love, normal? | 2 CommentsTags: Avery's Bucket List, child loss, death of a baby, hope, parenthood, Spinal Muscular Atrophy, ways to honor the memory of your child
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Plato
I recently stumbled upon Avery’s Bucket List. It is a blog by Avery’s parents. Avery was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy. Her parents decided to create a bucket list for Avery and spread the word about SMA.
According to FightSMA.org, SMA is a genetic disorder which ” refers to a group of diseases which affect the motor neurons of the spinal cord and brain stem. These critically important cells are responsible for supplying electrical and chemical messages to muscle cells. Without the proper input from the motor neurons, muscle cells can not function properly. The muscle cells will, therefore, become much smaller (atrophy) and will produce symptoms of muscle weakness.”
Throwing the first pitch at a baseball game, have a bad hair day and party like a rockstar are just a few of the items Avery crossed off her bucket list before she died. Avery’s parents have continued her bucket list. Every day she is continuing to raise awareness and funding for a cure for SMA.
What is on your bucket list?
Fourth of July & Faces of Loss
July 4, 2012 at 9:44 am | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, silver lining, why I write | 2 CommentsTags: 4th of July, child loss, death of a baby, Faces of Loss, hope, ways to honor the memory of your child
4th of July
Happy 4th of July!
Stevie Joy, was stillborn on May 8th, 2010, when Kristen Cook was 26 weeks pregnant. Her perfect pregnancy came crashing down in an instant the moment she heard those shocking little words: “there is no heartbeat.” Among the devastation the feeling of complete isolation and loneliness comes along with the death of your child. Kristen began to search the internet and quickly realized that she is not alone. Pregnancy and child loss does not discriminate it affects families of all walks of life. There are members of the club all over the world. As Kristen writes, “It’s not just something that happens to “other people,” it can happen to anyone. I realized there were so many other nice, normal people like me who had gone through the death of a child. And they were surviving. That realization gave me hope.”
Kristen took her hope and created a place for women to share their stories and faces. Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope brings awareness to the issue of pregnancy/infant loss. Kristen’s hope is that by “telling the world we are not afraid to show our faces and tell our stories, barriers will be broken down. Taboos will be broken, and lines of communication will be opened.”
I have shared our story. I wish none of us had to live in a world without our child/children. Thank you Kristen for helping us to know that we are not alone and that we can survive.
Simon’s Fund & Sawyer
June 28, 2012 at 7:02 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, SIDS, silver lining | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, Dr. Michael Ackerman, Sawyer, SIDS, Simon's Fund, unexplainable, ways to honor the memory of your child
Simon’s Fund provides heart screenings, funds research as well educates people about sudden cardiac arrest. Simon Sudman “weighed six pounds, 15 ounces at birth with an APGAR score of eight and nine. He was at 50% for weight and 25% for height and every few hours, he’d finish a bottle (except for a four-hour stretch overnight). ” Everything seemed very normal. However, Long QT (a hereditary heart condition) ran in their family. Simon died when he was just a few months old.
The Sudman’s created Simon’s Fund in memory of their baby boy. The mission of Simon’s Fund is “To save a child’s life . . . and then another, by raising awareness of conditions that lead to sudden cardiac arrest and death.” According to their website they have screened 3, 948 hearts and saved 38 lives. After his death, Simon’s mother, discovered that she had Long QT. She was treated and is fine now.
According to a study by doctors David Tester and Michael Ackerman, 15% of all sudden infant deaths are due to arrhythmias.
I thought for about a year that Sawyer died from Long QT. Sawyer’s pathologist was able to put Sawyer’s cord blood in Dr. Ackerman’s study at the Mayo clinic. Dr. Ackerman was able to determine that Sawyer did not have Long QT. Sawyer will remain in the study. Maybe one day they will determine his cause of death. Maybe they will never know what caused Sawyer’s heart to stop.
If Sawyer had died 5 or 10 years ago his death certificate would have listed his cause of death as SIDS. Now, doctors like Dr. Ackerman have helped to discover that many SIDS cases are actually due to undetected heart conditions. I cannot express in words how much I wish that Sawyer had a heart screening (along with a pulse ox screening). I am so grateful that families like the Sudmans are bringing awareness to how heart screenings at birth can change the whole world.
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