A resolution (not the New Years kind)
January 2, 2014 at 9:14 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief | 3 CommentsTags: baby loss, cemetery, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, Jake, new not so normal, perspective, Sawyer, thoughts
I found out that my friend at the cemetery might have made the call to get Jake and Sawyer’s markers fixed. I saw him the other day and asked him if he had anything to do with the new markers. He would not say one way or the other, but I said thank you and I gave him a big hug just in case.
He explained to me that the granite that the markers rest on and the markers themselves are made at the same time. When Sawyer died we buried him next to Jake, but in the same full-sized plot. There were no issues with the headstone following Sawyer’s funeral because we did not have Sawyer’s marker added until 2 years later. When we did add Sawyer’s marker the granite had to be replaced to allow for the 2 markers instead of just Jake’s.
The bolts that held the markers to the granite were not an exact fit which apparently is why the markers moved and shifted. The bolts have all been replaced now. However, there is a chance that the markers will shift again because the granite and the markers were still made at different times. If the markers move again, the next fix would be to replace the entire granite and both of the markers (then the granite and both markers will be made at the same time – and should fit together without being able to shift).
Even with all of these logical solutions, I still like the idea that Jake and Sawyer are playing practical jokes on us.
Wishing you all a Happy 2014!
Sawyer’s Story: The Funeral
December 28, 2013 at 11:02 pm | Posted in funeral, Grief | 8 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, fathers, Funeral, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer
Four years ago today was Sawyer’s funeral. I still cannot believe that Evan and I have lived through 2 of our children’s funerals. Most of those days are a big blur and what I do remember was that everything seemed so surreal. I had trouble putting sentences together.
Evan, on the other hand, wrote speeches for Jake and then again 4 years later for Sawyer. I am still amazed and thankful that Evan was able to think and write clearly enough for both of us.
My brother read what Evan wrote at Jake’s funeral. Below is what Evan read at Sawyer’s funeral:
Our son Sawyer is perfect. We know all parents feel that way about their children, and they should. We feel that way about our first son Jake, our twins Fletcher and Alyssa, and about Sawyer. But it’s not just a feeling. We know it. Sawyer is and always will be perfect. He has been perfect from the first moment we met him. Yes, he was also sweet, and adorable, and soft, and cuddly, and wonderful. But above all else, he was perfect. A perfect son. A perfect little brother.
We don’t know why we only got 40 days with Sawyer. We were supposed to have 40 years or more. 40 days makes no sense, and likely never will. We don’t know why that happened, but what we do know is how much we love Sawyer. We know how much we miss him and how much are hearts ache not being able to hold him and kiss him and care for him the way we were supposed to be able to do. 40 days – even the 40 wonderful days we had with him – is not enough. Not even close.
But, we’re going to treasure every memory from those 40 days. The first moment we saw him at the hospital. The first time we each held him. The first time we fed him and changed him and swaddled him. The first time we took him home and introduced him to the twins. The first time he smiled at us (even though it was probably just gas). The first time we got to tell every one of you about him and positively beamed with pride in getting to do so. We will hold onto each of those firsts – and every other moment after them that we had with Sawyer. We’ll remember every time we just sat and stared at him and marveled at how perfect he was and how amazing it was that we could make something – someone – so perfect.
We thank you all for being here this morning to help us get through this day with your love, friendship and support. We thank you for all that so many of you have already done, your words of love and kindness, and your helping hands. And we thank you for all that you will do to help as we try to figure out how to go on without having all those “firsts” we were supposed to have with Sawyer over the days, weeks, months and years to come. We welcome you back to our house after the service today, so that we can attempt to start to thank you in person and thank you for loving Sawyer with us.
There is comfort in knowing that Sawyer’s big brother Jake will be with him now. So will Grandmother and Aunt Sophie – Sawyer’s namesake who also had to grieve for a lost son – and his other great grandparents and loved ones who passed before him. We know he’s in good hands – it’s just that they are not the hands he is supposed to be in yet. He is supposed to be in our hands. But instead, our hands shake because we can’t touch him. Our arms ache because we can’t hold him. Our hearts break because he is gone after only 40 days. But even as we cannot understand or believe any of this, we want you to know, Sawyer, that we love you. Truly, deeply, forever, we love you. And no matter what Sawyer, you are perfect. You are perfect. You are perfect.
Four Years
December 26, 2013 at 10:48 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 11 CommentsTags: anniversaries, baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, new not so normal, perspective, Sad, Sawyer
Four years ago today is the date on Sawyer’s death certificate. Evan and I last held him on December 25th. My mind knows that time has passed. Sawyer is dead today and he will be gone tomorrow too. However, my broken heart wishes I could go back to when I took this picture and change the ending of Sawyer’s story. I have no words tonight for how much I miss that little guy.
The last picture taken of Sawyer – 12/25/09
Wherever you are. . .
December 24, 2013 at 9:34 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer
Dear Sawyer,
The book, Wherever You Are: My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman says it best:
“I wanted you more than you ever will know,
so I sent love to follow wherever you go.”
I hope that wherever you are, my love has found you and that you know how much you are loved. I miss you so very much.
Looking for the Happy
December 18, 2013 at 9:22 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, happy, holidays, new not so normal, Sad, Sawyer, twins
The dark days of December are always accompanied by holiday parties and cheer. The people of planet earth should be celebrating and happy because as it has already been established, not everyone lives on planet my baby died.
There are more of us than there should be on planet my baby died. My heart will forever hurt for those lost and left behind in Newtown. I also know that grief is not reserved for those of us who have outlived a child. There are so many tragedies that some days, it is so difficult if not impossible to find any happy.
A very wise friend once suggested to me that I just try to find one thing I like to do every day and do it. It does not matter how small the thing is – it could even be taking a shower. So, yesterday this is what I found to make me happy . . .
Shifting
October 22, 2013 at 8:46 am | Posted in Grief | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, Sawyer, thoughts
Awhile back I mentioned that Jake and Sawyer’s nameplates, which are part of the headstones, have shifted. The bolts had become loose and then inexplicably disappeared but they were repaired. However, the cemetery grounds people explained that because these are not the original bolts they might not hold. I have been watching them shift again over the last few weeks. I really still cannot understand how it is possible so I brought Evan to confirm.
He took one look and verified that yes, the nameplates (mostly Jake’s) have shifted again. He did offer up the explanation that perhaps Jake and Sawyer are just like any other children giving their parents something to worry about. I sort of like this idea. It goes along with the theory that my very sweet cousin pointed out Jake and Sawyer are just being boys playing together and being mischievous. They could just be playing Halloween tricks.
We are going to call the cemetery to have the process started to replace the nameplates. This is still odd and not okay but we can get it fixed. I have to keep it in perspective. Jake and Sawyer are not in danger. Nothing can harm them anymore. This we can do something about.
Of course, all of this reminds me there are so many hard and heartbreaking events in life that we cannot control. Illness, accidents, disasters, bad things happening to good people. These things all happen, and seem to happen far too often. They will continue to happen too (though I feel like we have had more than our fair share lately). But a break would be nice. And fixing things that we can control helps, at least a little.
Control & Clean Clothes
September 26, 2013 at 9:53 am | Posted in life lessons, Love, normal?, venting | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, Sawyer, thoughts
I wish life could be a bit more like laundry. You put the dirty clothes in the washing machine, add detergent and wait. After the clothes are clean put them into the dryer. Wait. Fold.
Okay, it is not always so seamless. I have turned a few white loads pink. I will also confess that I have washed more than one diaper. It is pretty messy. However, after shaking out the clothes and repeating the wash and dry cycles everything was once again clean.
Before 2005 there were plenty of situations out of my control but Jake’s diagnosis put them all into perspective for me. I did what I thought were the right steps. I gave birth to Jake at 26 weeks anyway. He lived for 2 weeks but I could not do a thing to prevent his death.
At the time I thought that I could protect any potential future children if they were not premature. I could be in control if I could just keep them out of the NICU. Sawyer’s death let me know loud and clear that I was wrong about that too.
Lately, life seems more out of control than I would like. I just need to realize that is all part of life and hold on.
I think I will go switch the laundry into the dryer.
Scent of Sawyer
July 14, 2013 at 1:02 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Sawyer, venting | 9 CommentsTags: baby loss, death of a baby, gratitude, life after loss, Method Baby Products, new not so normal, Sad, Sawyer, scent, thoughts
One of the lessons that Jake and Sawyer have taught me is not to sweat the small stuff. In the grand scheme of things there is so much stuff that just does not matter in the end.
This post, however, is about small stuff. Method has discontinued their line of babies and kids products. I know that there is most likely a business reason why the line did not make it. However, I just wish they could bring the product line back. We have used their products (body wash, shampoo, lotion, laundry detergent and dryer sheets). We used a particular scent — rice milk and mallow — with Sawyer. We all loved the smell, and appreciated that they were natural products with nothing to harm Sawyer’s (or any of our) skin.
The smell of the products reminds me of Sawyer. So, after he died, we continued to use the products. The frequent and sweet reminder of him in the smell of our clothes or at the twins’ bath time is, in a way, comforting. Now the product line has been discontinued, and it is hard to find the products anywhere. I am sure that at some point, we won’t be able to find them at all anymore.
One more small bit of Sawyer that will no longer be in our lives. Yes, it is a small thing. But it is one more small thing I wish I could change.
And, a giant thank you to Evan for finding me some of the last of the bottles on eBay!
Silence
March 30, 2013 at 10:03 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, normal? | 15 CommentsTags: Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
There are times when I am at a loss for words. People talk to me. And, I can not respond. At all. Here are a few examples:
- At work the other day someone asked my opinion about his home computer. I said my answer depends on who uses the computer. He went on to talk about his wife, his school age daughter and 5-year-old twins. I said I have 5-year-old twins too. Once the words came out of my mouth I wanted to take them back. I knew his next question before he asked it.
“Are the twins your only 2?”
“They are our only 2 at home.”
“Oh, so does your husband have kids from a previous marriage?”
“No.”
“Do you have kids from a previous marriage?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
Silence. More silence.
- I am at the doctor. A nurse notices the scar tissue from my c-sections.
She asks “How old is your youngest child?”
I do not respond at all.
She tries again,”When was your last c-section?”
Tears silently stream down my face as I say “November 17, 2009.”
The nurse in response to my tears, “You must really not feel well.”
I try to respond but no words come out of my mouth.
- I am on a very bumpy flight with the twins (and without Evan). I am turning green.
An extremely kind stewardess offers me a drink of water and then proceeds to tell me about another mother flying alone with her 4 kids.
She is just trying to make me feel better.
After the stewardess finishes telling us about the air sick mother of 4, the twins start to whisper to each other.
Then they start to loudly whisper to me. “Tell her about Jake and Sawyer.”
I do not say anything. I listen as the twins tell the poor sweet stewardess about their dead brothers.
Sometimes I wish I really did know Scotty and he could beam me up.
Rancic, Relationships and Reality
March 2, 2013 at 11:28 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, Giuliana Rancic, Jake, marriage, parenthood, Sawyer, thoughts
In a recent interview Giuliana Rancic told US Weekly “We’re husband and wife, but we’re also best friends, and it’s funny because a lot of people, when they have kids, they put the baby first, and the marriage second.” Giuliana and her husband Bill went through infertility treatments for years. She battled breast cancer. In 2012 they had their son, Edward, with the help of a surrogate.
The Rancics have had a tough road to parenthood. I do not judge other parents and their decisions. I believe the balance of marriage and parenthood is difficult. I understand both sides of the debate which Giuliana’s comments created but I have a confession.
The night that Jake died and the night that Sawyer died I bargained with G-d. I pleaded that it should be me and not them. I offered to trade my life for theirs. I also offered Evan’s life. I would have switched places with my children without hesitation or any consideration of our marriage. I think that Evan would have as well.
The pleading and bargaining did not work. Evan and I are still here. Sawyer and Jake are not.
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