March 30, 2013 at 10:03 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, normal? | 15 Comments
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quote - everyone has something

There are times when I am at a loss for words.  People talk to me.  And, I can not respond.  At all.  Here are a few examples:

  1. At work the other day someone asked my opinion about his home computer.  I said my answer depends on who uses the computer.  He went on to talk about his wife, his school age daughter and 5-year-old twins.  I said I have 5-year-old twins too.  Once the words came out of my mouth I wanted to take them back.  I knew his next question before he asked it.

“Are the twins your only 2?”

“They are our only 2 at home.”

“Oh, so does your husband have kids from a previous marriage?”


“Do you have kids from a previous marriage?”


“Then what?”

Silence.  More silence.

  1. I am at the doctor.  A nurse notices the scar tissue from my c-sections.

She asks “How old is your youngest child?”

I do not respond at all.

She tries again,”When was your last c-section?”

Tears silently stream down my face as I say “November 17, 2009.”

The nurse in response to my tears, “You must really not feel well.”

I try to respond but no words come out of my mouth.

  1. I am on a very bumpy flight with the twins (and without Evan).  I am turning green.

An extremely kind stewardess offers me a drink of water and then proceeds to tell me about another mother flying alone with her 4 kids.

She is just trying to make me feel better.

After the stewardess finishes telling us about the air sick mother of 4, the twins start to whisper to each other.

Then they start to loudly whisper to me.  “Tell her about Jake and Sawyer.”

I do not say anything.  I listen as the twins tell the poor sweet stewardess about their dead brothers.

Sometimes I wish I really did know Scotty and he could beam me up.


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  1. I’m so sorry for pain Lanie. Sometimes there are now words. xo

  2. So awkward. I still don’t know how to answer that question. Seems like working through the process of putting together an answer is an impossible mental pretzel to work out. So sorry.

  3. Dahlin’, I can only imagine how hard those moments must be. Know that when you do tell it, your story touches so many others. Everyone has a story…it’s good to remember that. My love to you.

  4. Those questions are the reason I find myself in constant avoidance mode. I am so afraid of the questions that will vault me into emotional turmoil in front of others (I’m always that way on the inside).

  5. Oh wow those speechless moments must be agonizing. Thank you for the reminder that everyone has a story. Your thoughtful words help me try to be more mindful of that.

  6. I am so sorry — I wish there was a way to protect you from such painful moments. Always thinking about you friend.

  7. I’m sorry you are faced with this all the time. I know how it feels to avoid dropping a grief bomb on someone who’s just asking a “simple” question… and I know it’s even more painful for you. I wish it could be okay to share all this with the people who ask, but I hope it helps a little to share it with us.

  8. You are an amazing woman and mom. I am grateful for you and how you are continuing to help your readers learn more about you and others. Thank you. Everyone has a story. Thank you for sharing yours and honoring all of your children each and every day.

  9. I’m so sorry, I know those conversations too. I totally relate to what you said about knowing the conversation is going to head in the wrong direction and just not being able to talk anymore.
    I’m so sorry that the days are tough Lanie. Sending hugs as always.

  10. I know what you mean, Lanie. You are so right–every one has a story. Sometimes, I wish mine were different. Thank you for sharing your heart and your feelings. You are such a dear, special person.

  11. It seems like you handle each situation as you see fit. And I don’t think there are any “right” or “wrong” answers in how to handle this–so just do what your heart and feelings are telling you–and phooey to all the rest. xoxo

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