Wherever you are. . .
December 24, 2013 at 9:34 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer
Dear Sawyer,
The book, Wherever You Are: My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman says it best:
“I wanted you more than you ever will know,
so I sent love to follow wherever you go.”
I hope that wherever you are, my love has found you and that you know how much you are loved. I miss you so very much.
Thanksgivukkah
November 26, 2013 at 10:10 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 3 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, gratitude, Hanukkah, holidays, Jewish customs, life after loss, new not so normal, thankful, Thanksgiving, Thanksgivukkah, thoughts
This year the 1st day of Hanukkah and Thanksgiving fall on the same day. Apparently, this only happens once every 79,000 years or something. So, I am thankful it is happening during my lifetime. As I have mentioned before, since Jake and then Sawyer have died the holidays can be difficult. So, by combining 2 of them maybe this year will be easier.
I am so very thankful for family and friends who have stood by us during the best and worst of times of our lives. I am certain that I would not be able to get through this journey alone. I will continue to always be very thankful for the time that we did have with Jake and Sawyer. I try not to dwell on the Hanukkahs and Thanksgivings that we did not have and will never have with them. Some days are just harder than others.
Happy Hanukkah! Happy Thanksgiving! And, Happy Thanksgivukkah to those of you celebrating both!
Sweet Sawyer (& Spam)
November 14, 2013 at 9:18 am | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, thoughts
Last week Evan sent me a very wise email with the subject line “Charlie Brown knows. . .”
If only we could . . .
Miss you so very much Mr. Sawyer. Love you always.
P.S. So sorry if you recently received spam from me again. I have changed my password and hopefully I should be spam free now.
Strong?
November 4, 2013 at 10:44 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, grief, life after loss, new not so normal, thoughts
Dear Sawyer,
It is me, your mom. It is almost your birthday. And again, there will be no party. You are still gone. We have made it through 3 other birthdays without you. I know that we will make it through this one too. Thanks to your older brother, Jake, I know that we can make it through a 4th birthday without the birthday boy. In fact, I can make it through every day with out you both. I just do not want to. . .
I miss you. I love you forever.
Bereavement Training
October 24, 2013 at 10:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, NICU, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: baby loss, bereavement training, child loss, compassion, death of a baby, gratitude, kindness, life after loss, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
Today I, along with several other parents, spoke to a group of nurses as part of their bereavement training. This is the second parent panel I have been a part of in the last few months and I have participated in several others over the years. At times, I find talking about Jake and Sawyer cathartic. I am always hopeful that sharing our story can somehow help others. After each of these panels I have come away with lists of suggestions for nurses and tips for NICU parents.
There is a common theme in all the stories. All bereaved parents want their child/children to be remembered. There will not be the lifetime of memories that hopefully other children will have. The stay in the hospital and every aspect of it is very often all the parents have. The doctors and nurses are big parts of these memories. The kindness and compassion of the medical professionals is so important. I am thankful that bereavement training exists.
No matter how small the baby is or how long the baby lived, parents want their baby treated like every other baby. They want to be treated like every other parent. One mom said she just felt like she was in the middle of a really bad Lifetime movie. We are all hoping that we can change the channel or wake up from the nightmare of outliving our child/children. Unfortunately, this is our reality. Thank you to all those who help us along our way.
Shifting
October 22, 2013 at 8:46 am | Posted in Grief | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, Sawyer, thoughts
Awhile back I mentioned that Jake and Sawyer’s nameplates, which are part of the headstones, have shifted. The bolts had become loose and then inexplicably disappeared but they were repaired. However, the cemetery grounds people explained that because these are not the original bolts they might not hold. I have been watching them shift again over the last few weeks. I really still cannot understand how it is possible so I brought Evan to confirm.
He took one look and verified that yes, the nameplates (mostly Jake’s) have shifted again. He did offer up the explanation that perhaps Jake and Sawyer are just like any other children giving their parents something to worry about. I sort of like this idea. It goes along with the theory that my very sweet cousin pointed out Jake and Sawyer are just being boys playing together and being mischievous. They could just be playing Halloween tricks.
We are going to call the cemetery to have the process started to replace the nameplates. This is still odd and not okay but we can get it fixed. I have to keep it in perspective. Jake and Sawyer are not in danger. Nothing can harm them anymore. This we can do something about.
Of course, all of this reminds me there are so many hard and heartbreaking events in life that we cannot control. Illness, accidents, disasters, bad things happening to good people. These things all happen, and seem to happen far too often. They will continue to happen too (though I feel like we have had more than our fair share lately). But a break would be nice. And fixing things that we can control helps, at least a little.
Fun Friday
October 18, 2013 at 12:08 am | Posted in life after loss, Love | 8 CommentsTags: hope, hugs, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, thoughts, What does the fox say?
I have always wondered what it would be like to write something light-hearted. The twins have Fun Friday at school so I was thinking I should give it a try too. Here are two things that made me smile this week.
1. The Facebook page Amazing Things in the World posted this picture a few days ago:
Did you know that koalas sleep cuddled with their young to protect them at all times? I think it sounds like a perfect idea which would resolve many of my paranoid parenting tendencies. The twins would so not think it was perfect and they would most likely make a similar expression as the one on the baby koala’s face. Snuggling in a stationary position would not work for them because they prefer to toss and turn while asleep. Perhaps in my next life I can be a koala.
2. Have you seen the video “What does the Fox Say?” It is super funny. The brothers Vegard and Bård Ylvisåker, members of a Norwegian comedy group produced the song and music video “The Fox.” They created it to promote the upcoming season of their television talk show, Tonight with Ylvis. Disclaimer: If you watch this video, the song could get stuck in your head for days.
Just wanted to share the smiles with you all. Hope that you have a good weekend.
Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar
October 14, 2013 at 10:26 pm | Posted in life lessons, Love | 5 CommentsTags: book review, child loss, grief, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, thoughts, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar
The book, Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life, is a compilation of advice columns by Dear Sugar. It is written by Cheryl Strayed, who was formerly the anonymous online advice columnist, Dear Sugar. The book is a collection of letters written to Dear Sugar and her responses. Dear Sugar writes advice to questions about love, life, death and everything in between.
I previously wrote about one of Dear Sugar’s advice columns to Stuck. Stuck is a bereaved mother. Stuck’s baby died. Sugar offers some very powerful advice on how to get unstuck. In another post, in response to a letter from Living Dead Dad, Sugar wisely writes:
“I don’t know how you go on without your son, sweet pea. I only know that you do. And you have. And you will.”
“Your boy is dead, but he will continue to live within you. Your love and grief will be unending, but it will also shift in shape. There are things about your son’s life and your own that you can’t understand now. There are things you will understand in one year, and in ten years, and twenty.”
There was a time after Jake and then after Sawyer’s death that I could not concentrate long enough to finish a sentence let alone an entire book. Now, I am able to concentrate while I read, although I have to admit most of my “reading” is actually listening to books on CD in the car. I am so glad that I stumbled back upon the book Tiny Beautiful Things and listened to it in its’ entirety.
Weekend Walks
October 4, 2013 at 6:22 pm | Posted in life lessons, Love | 6 CommentsTags: Atlanta 2 Day Walk for Breast Cancer, Atlanta Walk to Remember, breast cancer, child loss, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
Do you know that along with Breast Cancer Awareness month that October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month?
There are so very many facts that I have had to accept are out of my control. At the top of the list are the facts that Jake and Sawyer are dead.
However, I am still here. I am going to do my best to bring awareness to Pregnancy and Infant Loss along with Breast Cancer. So, this weekend I am going to walk in the Atlanta 2 Day Walk for Breast Cancer and the Atlanta Walk to Remember. I will let you know how they go.
Hope that you all have a great weekend!
Control & Clean Clothes
September 26, 2013 at 9:53 am | Posted in life lessons, Love, normal?, venting | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, Sawyer, thoughts
I wish life could be a bit more like laundry. You put the dirty clothes in the washing machine, add detergent and wait. After the clothes are clean put them into the dryer. Wait. Fold.
Okay, it is not always so seamless. I have turned a few white loads pink. I will also confess that I have washed more than one diaper. It is pretty messy. However, after shaking out the clothes and repeating the wash and dry cycles everything was once again clean.
Before 2005 there were plenty of situations out of my control but Jake’s diagnosis put them all into perspective for me. I did what I thought were the right steps. I gave birth to Jake at 26 weeks anyway. He lived for 2 weeks but I could not do a thing to prevent his death.
At the time I thought that I could protect any potential future children if they were not premature. I could be in control if I could just keep them out of the NICU. Sawyer’s death let me know loud and clear that I was wrong about that too.
Lately, life seems more out of control than I would like. I just need to realize that is all part of life and hold on.
I think I will go switch the laundry into the dryer.
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