Fabulous Friday

June 26, 2015 at 4:44 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 3 Comments
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I am trying to stick to my spring resolution of looking for happiness.  It is not always easy but I did not have to look very far today because when I went to write this post this is what I saw on WordPress:

hurray

How fantastic is it that the Supreme Court ruled today to legalize gay marriage nationwide?! And it is great that WordPress is helping to celebrate the good news.

Other, more local, happy moments I found are the following:

  •  I am always joking that I wish I could wrap the twins up in bubble wrap to protect them from the world.  Well, the other weekend they wrapped themselves up. . .

Bubble Wrap

 

  • Did you know that there are shirts with built-in chest protectors?  I learned about them this week.  The twins went to baseball camp and came home asking for shirts to protect their hearts.  How could I not get them?

Heart Protectors

Hope that you all have a fabulous weekend!

the sun and the earth

June 12, 2015 at 7:28 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 4 Comments
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The twins finished school on May 22nd.  Their elementary school is divided into 2 campuses (k-2 is in the primary campus and 3-5 is in the intermediate campus about a mile away).

The pictures below are from their 2nd graduation parade.  They both picked out the same concert t-shirt to wear.

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Evan said that I should not be sad about the twins going to 3rd grade and at the same time be sad that Sawyer is not starting kindergarten.  The twins growing up and finishing 2nd grade is the way life should be unlike Sawyer (and Jake) who are forever frozen in time.

I did cry in the corner a little bit during the parade but for the most part I have not been as emotional as I was at the end of 1st grade and kindergarten.  I am not sure that if it was Evan’s words of wisdom or the fact that one of the twins had a temperature of 103.8 on the last day of school but we have left the primary campus without too many tears.

So far this summer because of life and work the twins have been spending time with a babysitter.  When I got home from work yesterday they were both so excited to tell me that they went to the park and checked on Jake and Sawyer’s trees.  I have not visited the trees to check on them in such a long time.  It made me so happy that the twins thought to do it.

quote - hafiz-sun

Look for the Happy

May 24, 2015 at 5:55 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, life after loss | 6 Comments
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On the road of life, it is not where you go
but who you are with that makes the difference.

Author Unknown

A very happy Birthday to my brother!

1972

And, a very happy anniversary to Evan!

image

March of Dimes’ March for Babies

May 12, 2015 at 10:15 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 4 Comments
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Last weekend we walked and remembered Jake, Sawyer and all the other babies who were not there to march with us.  In the 1950’s the March of Dimes helped to fund the cure for polio – which led to the effective end of the disease.  Who knows maybe some day there will be similar medical breakthroughs that will help to end infant mortality and there will be less flowers in the memorial garden.

March of Dimes 2015 - memorial garden

Thank you so much for again supporting our team this year and in past years.  We appreciate all of your amazing kindness and generosity.

Still Marching

May 6, 2015 at 10:16 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, Love | 1 Comment
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This weekend our family is walking in the March of Dimes’ “March for Babies” just like we have in years past.  Originally our team was named Jake’s Journey.  After Sawyer died we renamed it to Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides.  This year the walk is on Mother’s Day weekend.  Although I wish we were walking with all of our children, I think this is as close of a perfect way to honor all 4 as possible.

The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality.  I believe that the March of Dimes is making a difference and saving babies.

I cannot do anything to bring back Jake or Sawyer but maybe, just maybe, I can help spare other parents the heartbreak of having to live in this world without their child/children.

Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years.  Thank you also to the Northside Hospital for matching funds.  We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity.   Please consider supporting Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides and click here.

almost (but not really) fun(ny) Friday & an idea

January 30, 2015 at 5:40 pm | Posted in Death, Grief | 4 Comments
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If you have ever talked to me or read this blog you know that getting Jake and Sawyer’s headstones correct has not been easy.  In fact we have yet to accomplish it.  So this week when the incredibly nice lady from the cemetery called no one should have been surprised that the new headstones arrived and they are not right.  In fact she did not call Evan until she had already sent them back to the manufacturer.  When Evan  called to tell me the news, it made my head hurt but I also kind of felt like laughing . . .which stage of grief have I entered into now?

On a completely unrelated note (or maybe it is related after all because it is all out of my control!)  I feel like the world is falling apart.  The Middle East, school shootings, starving children – all so out of my control (kind of like the headstones – the deaths of Jake and Sawyer).  It makes me feel very helpless.  I want to be able to do something.

Awhile ago Evan thought up/or read about an idea to help the homeless.  Here in Atlanta, we spend A LOT of time driving around.  At stop lights there are often homeless people asking for money.

Evan, the twins and I put together bags with the following items:

Tissues
Band aids
Hand sanitizer
Socks
Peanut butter packs
Granola/protein bars
Water

Evan and I leave the bags in our cars.  When we see a homeless person we give them a bag.

It may not solve the problems in the Middle East or get us any closer to knowing Sawyer’s cause of death but it is at least doing something.

my rainbow catcher

January 16, 2015 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Grief | 4 Comments
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Some days it is hard to find rainbows.  I wanted to share the one we found today with you all.

rainbow

 

Holiday Hope

December 16, 2014 at 9:36 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 4 Comments
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I am not always strong enough to get through the hard days by myself – especially during the holidays.  I look to others to see what they do during these happy/sad celebrations without their child/children.

One of my friends always includes her “angel” on their family holiday card.  Their daughter, like Sawyer, died during this festive season.  It is so bittersweet to read her name on the card but it always reminds me that I am not alone.

Another friend, has created a family tradition to bring unwrapped holiday gifts to all in-patient oncology kids who are in the hospital where her daughter spent her last Thanksgiving and Christmas.

A few years ago one mom was looking at outgrown Christmas dresses and thinking of her little girl who never got to wear them at all.   She decided to create a Holiday Clothing Drive.  She asks people to donate gently used holiday clothes to others in need.

I know that there will be other dark days but I will try to continue to search for hope.

Thankful 2014

December 4, 2014 at 11:44 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 2 Comments
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I know Thanksgiving was last week but. . .

Thankful+Mindset

Hope that you all had a very happy Thanksgiving!

Faith?

November 10, 2014 at 11:40 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 7 Comments
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After Sawyer died a rabbi spoke to me and Evan.  Evan told him that he was very angry.  The rabbi told Evan to go ahead and be angry at G-d, ” because if anyone can handle it, He can.” This made sense to me.

The rabbi went on to tell us a story that did not make too much sense to me at the time.  He told us about a rabbi and his wife who were walking back from their son’s funeral.  The wife asked her husband, “what now, what do we live for?” The husband answered that we live for our living children and to carry on the memory of our son.  Tragically, the next child of this couple dies.  And once again, walking back from the funeral the wife asks her husband, “what now, what do we live for?” The husband gives the same answer, “we live for our living children and to carry on the memories of our sons.”

The story goes on until the couple has walked back from the funerals of all their children. The wife once more asks, “what now, what do we live for?”  The husband says we are to carry on the memories of our children and we are reminders to everyone else in the village to be thankful for what they have.

My initial response to this story was, “why us?  Why do Evan and I have to be the reminders?  Why can’t we just have Sawyer back?”   Over the years my thoughts about this story have changed.  I know that we cannot have Sawyer back.  I know that we will always carry on Jake and Sawyer’s memory.  Evan and I did not choose this journey but here we are – and I may never truly understand why.  I do know Jake and Sawyer do remind us to hug the twins a little tighter and to appreciate what we do have.

“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.” Mother Teresa

 

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