Thank you!

April 28, 2012 at 8:06 pm | Posted in Grief, Love, silver lining, why I write | 4 Comments
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2 words today:


My New Not so Normal

December 30, 2011 at 11:40 am | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, silver lining | 8 Comments
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In three words I can sum up every-
thing I’ve learned about life.
It goes on.  ~Robert Frost

I am not the same person that I was before 2005 – before Jake died.

I went to where I thought was the deepest darkest place in my life.  Then there came a day when I realized that I was still alive and I needed to figure out how to live in a world without Jake.

I called it my new normal.

I tried every day to just live.  I went to work.  I tried to interact with the rest of the world.  When the twins were born my normal life revolved around them and their routine.

I have never gotten “over” Jake but I thought my new normal was working.

Until Sawyer died.  My new normal was thrown a devastating curve ball.

There is nothing normal about 1 child dying let alone 2.   I am now attempting to live my new not so normal.

This new not so normal is not easy for anyone.  It is hard for Evan.   Family and friends suffer the loss of Jake and Sawyer as well as their own challenges and losses in life.  All I can do is try my best every day to live this new not so normal life.

I often repeat to myself a phrase that my high school track coach would yell after us as we ran, “whatever does not kill you will make you stronger.”

I just miss you

December 6, 2011 at 10:35 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, Love, mourning | 12 Comments
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Dear Sawyer,
It is me.  Are you there?  I know that I wrote a few weeks ago that I could handle the holidays.   I was wrong.  The dark days are back.  It is part of the deal.  This new normal life that I have been trying to create includes dark days.  They creep up.  I expect these days between your birthday and the day that you died to be hard.  I try to lower my expectations of what I can handle.  I wish the rest of the world would do the same.

I try to keep myself so busy that I cannot think.   It is not working this time.  So I try to act as if everything is okay.  Most of the time I can fake it till I almost believe myself that life without you and Jake is perfectly fine.  I cannot pretend.  Life without you and Jake is not okay.   

My arms physically ache to hold you.  Every day that passes is another day farther from when you were last with me.  When I hear other babies cry I can still tell that it is not your cry.  Will the day come when I have forgotten the sound of your cry?

We have given away or packed up most of your things.  We just cannot seem to go through the last few piles.  The gifts that were sent to you the week you died.  The clothes you wore that last few days of your life.  The condolence cards.  Your death certificate.  The cards of the police detectives.  They are all still here.   I wish that you were here too.

I do not want pity.  I want you.  I am just sad.  Life without you and Jake is so excruciatingly painful and bittersweet.  I know that there is still light.  I see it every time I look at your big brother and sister.

I just miss you. I will see you in my dreams sweet Sawyer.

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