Sawyer’s Story (part 5): Craziness on Christmas Day 2009
January 8, 2011 at 12:18 am | Posted in Death, Grief | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, life after loss, Sawyer, twins
As I wrote here, the twins were sick. We were all home. We were going stir crazy. On Christmas Day the JCC had a Family Fun Day (this is what Jewish kids do on Christmas before they are taught to go out for Chinese food and a movie). Evan and I decided it would be in everyone’s best interest if I took the twins. I planned to meet some friends. There were a few problems with my plan:
- I did not purchase tickets in advance. So, I had to wait in line to buy tickets. The twins have
very littleno patience. They would not wait in line. They ran into the Children’s Museum area of the JCC and would not leave. - Two hours later I realized, I needed to start wrapping things up so I could go home and feed Sawyer.
- One twin proceeded to behave completely inappropriately in public while the other twin had a near blow out of his diaper.
- I needed to get us all to the bathroom asap. Neither of the twins would go willingly.
- I had to drag them kicking and screaming to the bathroom.
- Finally, I wrestled one down long enough to change the diaper. Blow out averted.
Next plan was to go home before I exploded (as I mentioned in #2 – I needed to feed Sawyer or pump or do something soon). Next obstacle – the twins did not want to leave. Once again I had to drag them kicking and screaming towards the exit. My post C-section body was no match for the 2 1/2 year-old twins. I somehow got them out to the parking lot and just started crying. Neither of the twins would walk. The car was parked way far away. Two separate women who I don’t know stopped to ask if I needed help. If either of these women are by any chance reading this I want to tell them “thank you and I should have taken you up on your offer.”
I still am not sure how but I got the twins into the car. Before strapping them into their car seats I called Evan. Through my tears I told him that I was driving home with the twins and passing them off. And, I did. Evan met me in the garage holding Sawyer. I took Sawyer and went to feed him.
Evan worked some sort of magic and got the twins down for a nap. Then he and Sawyer decided to take a nap too. I was still recovering from my big morning out with the twins but I was so excited that the night nurse was coming that night. I knew I would be able to sleep soon enough. So, while everyone was sleeping I did laundry, dishes, wrote thank you notes and took this picture. I did not know then that it would be the last picture taken of Sawyer.
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A Mourning Mom 
Lanie,
I remember those days (and nights) of temper tantrums (theirs and mine); meltdowns and no sleep. They now seem like a lifetime ago and what I wouldn’t do to get them back! Oh if only we had a rewind button for life!
I too have a “last” picture that I didn’t know would be the last picture I took of my love. Sometimes it makes me sad to look at it, other times I smile at remembering the moment.
Blessings to us both as we remember what was, what never will be and what our futures hold.
Linda
Comment by The Good Cook— January 8, 2011 #
That picture is so sweet. But so ridiculously unfair that it was Sawyer’s last picture. It makes my heart hurt. Love you. xo
Comment by kelcey— January 8, 2011 #
Dear Lanie – You tell Sawyer’s story so lovingly even while you write of sleep deprivation and difficult behavior on the part of the twins. I hope and wish that putting all the events on paper, you relive and re-endow them with permanence. It is heart-rending to read all your story and I admire the strength you have to retell it. May you all have a very fine 2011, with good health all around and much joy.
Love, Cornelia
Comment by Cornelia R. Levine— January 8, 2011 #
That picture is worth millions — the beautiful result of the tag team effort put in by you and Evan. It’s unfair and inconceivable that it had to be the last.
Comment by Daphne— January 8, 2011 #
The picture is amazing. A beautiful boy.
Comment by hillary— January 8, 2011 #
Those days are tough… breastfeeding, not sleeping, taking care of other kids. – it is oh so tiring… I love the picture. I do not think I ever saw that one before. Looks like a little bear suit? so cute. He was such a beautiful baby. Miss you…
Comment by Susan— January 9, 2011 #
What a beautiful picture- I never saw that one. I’m so glad that you have it. Sawyer (and Evan) look so peaceful and content. It is a nice way to remember Sawyer’s short time with you.
Love,
Emily
Comment by Emily— January 10, 2011 #
It’s amazing how you’ve managed to find a moment of levity in a bigger moment of darkness. That’s a blessing in itself. I love the picture, as I hadn’t seen it before.
Comment by eden— January 10, 2011 #
I have just found your blog… Beautiful beyond words– May you find peace.
Much love from Ohio
Valerie
Comment by Valerie— January 11, 2011 #