Trees
April 14, 2014 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, death of a baby, Jewish National Fund, new not so normal, Trees, ways to honor the memory of your child
Last month we went to the playground where trees are planted for Jake and Sawyer. I do not think Sawyer’s tree is doing so well at the moment. . .
The plan is that we will try to straighten it out and hope that it grows better. It is best to plant trees in the colder weather so we will reevaluate in the fall. It makes me feel better just to have a plan.
Many people had trees planted in Israel for Jake and Sawyer when they died. Planting trees in Israel is a tradition which celebrates the life of loved ones. Evan and I often joke that there is a Jake and Sawyer forest at this point. I have never been to Israel and if I do go I would like to see the Jake and Sawyer forest :-).
I did write thank you notes to all the people who had trees planted for Jake. However, I never did write thank you notes for the trees, donations and acts of kindness that were done in memory of Sawyer. I do want to thank all of those who had trees planted for Sawyer and one day I hope to write those notes. Until then, please know how very thankful I am.
I want to wish a happy and healthy Passover to all those who celebrate!
No worries (I wish. . .)
March 16, 2014 at 9:28 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer, twins, why I write | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, grief, hope, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, thoughts
If your problem has a solution then…why worry about it? If your problem doesn’t have solution then…why worry about it? – Chinese Proverb
In theory I think this makes sense and I agree with the proverb, but I have a problem: I think that worrying is in my DNA.
Everyone at our house is feeling fine now but last week that was not the case. Evan and one of the twins were sick. It is part of life – everyone gets sick. But, I do not like it one bit! I try very hard to rely on the rational part of my brain but the irrational part of me always seems to take over. I am transported back to the days and nights before Sawyer died. Was there something going on? Was he sick in some way? What did I miss? How could he be seemingly perfect one moment and then dead the next?
I know that the twins are not Sawyer. They are bigger. They are stronger. They can tell me when something is wrong (and usually can specifically detail what is wrong too!). However, I cannot help but second guess myself. I cannot help but worry about what we could have done differently, what might have prevented Sawyer from dying that night, how we might have taken a different action or course and he would still be here with us today. I also know that even if we did miraculously figure out the cause of Sawyer’s death it would not change the fact that he is dead. Resurrection is not our reality. Of course, I cannot change that now, and of all things, I logically know I should not worry about things I cannot change. And yet, those are the things that seem to draw out my worries the most.
Helping with Homework
March 6, 2014 at 10:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, siblings
Today’s 1st grade homework assignment for one of the twins was about cultural diversity. The questions asked about backgrounds, customs and families. I was helping her with the assignment. We discussed the questions and her answers. “Where are you from?” Where were you born?” She quickly answered and wrote down, “Atlanta, Georgia.” All was going smoothly until, we got to the question asking, “How many brothers and sisters do you have?”
I have written before about being asked “How many children do you have?” “How many brothers and sisters do you have?” is the bereaved sibling’s version of this question. They are both such common and polite questions but the answers for some of us are so complicated. When people ask me how many children I have these days I usually say something like “I have 2 children at home.” I then try to change the subject. Or, the other day I caught myself saying “excuse me for a moment” and I left the conversation all together. I always remember Jake and Sawyer but I do not always talk about them. But maybe it does not have to be so difficult.
At first she did not immediately answer the question “How many brothers and sisters do you have?” Instead, she looked at me thoughtfully and asked, “Mama, how many brothers do I have?” Before I could say anything she said “I know!!” and she began to write . . .
I used to have three brothers but now I only have one. one brother
When she finished writing she went over to her one brother and gave him a hug. And, then I hugged them both.
How to Remember Your Child
February 28, 2014 at 1:00 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a child, love, ways to honor the memory of your child
I will always remember Jake and Sawyer. How they looked. How they smelled. Their sounds, and the touch of their skin.
Over the years since Jake and then Sawyer have died, we’ve always looked for ways to remember them by trying to build more memories of them. Maybe it is because we only had weeks with each of them. Maybe it is because it is a way to keep them a more active parts of our lives. Maybe it is because that is what we do when we loved ones are no longer present in our lives.
We’ve done things that have made sense to us to remember Jake and Sawyer. I’ve also come across suggestions (some of which we have taken, some of which we haven’t done) from other resources about ways parents can remember their children who have died. Some of those ideas include:
- Create a baby album with all your keepsakes in it. (This might take different shapes or forms depending on what keepsakes you have.)
- Make a collage frame, remembrance or shadow box with pictures, mementos and other things that remind you of your child.
- Plant flowers or a tree in your child’s memory, perhaps in a place you like to visit or that you associate with your child.
- Participate in walks or runs in your community.
- Buy memorial bricks (local parks often offer this as a fundraiser).
- Name a star after your baby.
- Write.
- Light candles.
- Volunteer or work on a special project in your child’s memory.
- Donate to a child who would be the same age as your child would be.
Do you have any other ideas to share?
Second Star
February 18, 2014 at 11:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life lessons, Love, Sawyer, Time | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, international star registry, new not so normal, siblings, stars, ways to honor the memory of your child
When Jake died the hospital gave us a packet of information to take home. I remember trying to read it through my tears and being unable to make out most of the words. When I got to the page on “Ways to Honor Your Child” I got a tissue, wiped my eyes and read. One of the ways was to name a star. Before I knew it I was on the phone buying a star for Jake:
Jake’s Star
The star date is his birthday and it is in the constellation of Leo (Jake’s zodiac sign). We have the star certificate with all of Jake’s other belongings. I think before now the only other person I told that I bought a star was Evan. Buying the star made me feel a bit better for the moment. It was something I could do for Jake. Funny how time changes some things. . .
After Sawyer died I did not buy a star. The thought of buying another star did not make me feel better. Recently, I came across Jake’s star certificate and decided that I did want a star for Sawyer after all.
I tried to order it online and then finally called. I wanted Sawyer’s star date to be his birthday, just like Jake’s. The star registry only goes back 2 years – which meant 2012, 2013 or this year. There is no 2009 option. I chose this year – for Sawyer’s 5th birthday.
Sibling rivalry is an issue at times in our house with the twins. I will never know if Sawyer would be unhappy that Jake had a star and he did not but the second star bought to avoid any worries. It made me feel a bit better and it was something I could do for Sawyer.
Unfrozen
February 14, 2014 at 10:54 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life after loss, normal?, Sawyer, twins | 5 CommentsTags: Atlanta snow, baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, Frozen, ice, new not so normal, perspective
“Everything is Awesome” has replaced “Let it Go” and “Do You Want to Build a Snowman“at our house. The snow and ice are gone. We were really lucky and never lost power. However, we did follow the advice of the robocall from our mayor and stay home. The twins watched I am not sure how many hours of television but I know it was a lot. It does not bother me the way I thought it would (before being a parent when I had all these big ideas about what kind of parent I would be. . .). Originally, I was going to be one of those parents that did not let their kids watch too much TV but Sawyer’s death quickly changed that. It seemed much better for the twins to watch Elmo than to watch their mom crying endlessly. So, on went the TV.
We did make it out of the house yesterday for some sledding.
Today it was almost 60 degrees in Atlanta. Everything melted, we turned off the TV and went outside.
Happy Valentines Day from our house to yours!
Washing
January 14, 2014 at 5:08 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, Jake, Sawyer | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, Jewish customs
Every time Evan and I leave the cemetery we wash our hands with water. I know everyone washed their hands when leaving the cemetery after Jake’s funeral and then after Sawyer’s. The other day I realized I have no idea why we wash our hands, so I decided to look it up. There seem to be many different theories including the following:
- Hand washing marks “the departure from the surroundings of death and to signify a renewed attachment with life.”
- Washing hands symbolizes a “disassociation from death.”
- Some used to interpret washing hands in order to banish “evil spirits.
The explanation that I like the best is that we wash our hands to signify the “transition from departing the place of death to entering that of life; it is also an attempt mentally to leave behind the realm of the past and re-embrace the present”. At times, I have to work hard to stay in the present so the physical act of washing hands is a good reminder for me.
Four Years
December 26, 2013 at 10:48 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 11 CommentsTags: anniversaries, baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, new not so normal, perspective, Sad, Sawyer
Four years ago today is the date on Sawyer’s death certificate. Evan and I last held him on December 25th. My mind knows that time has passed. Sawyer is dead today and he will be gone tomorrow too. However, my broken heart wishes I could go back to when I took this picture and change the ending of Sawyer’s story. I have no words tonight for how much I miss that little guy.
The last picture taken of Sawyer – 12/25/09
Wherever you are. . .
December 24, 2013 at 9:34 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer
Dear Sawyer,
The book, Wherever You Are: My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman says it best:
“I wanted you more than you ever will know,
so I sent love to follow wherever you go.”
I hope that wherever you are, my love has found you and that you know how much you are loved. I miss you so very much.
Another Yahrzeit
December 10, 2013 at 10:20 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, Love, Sawyer | 13 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, grief, Jewish customs, new not so normal, yahrzeit
The word “yahrzeit” means anniversary (of a person’s death) in Yiddish. The word originated from German – Jahr, meaning year, and Zeit, meaning time.
Sawyer’s yahrzeit this year is on December 12th which means the candle should be lit the evening before (tomorrow). I have done my best to lose track of the days, in the hopes that this anniversary would not ever come. I know that time does not work that way but you can not blame a girl for trying. It has not been hard to keep busy and forget the date. I feel like the twins just started 1st grade but somehow Thanksgiving is over and despite my best efforts to stop time it is once again December.
I am extremely thankful for the time we did have with Sawyer and I still try to live in the present but I so wish I could hold him again even if is just for one more moment. . .
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A Mourning Mom 