should you switch ob/gyns after your baby dies?
October 20, 2014 at 10:18 pm | Posted in Jake, life after loss, Sawyer | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, death of a baby, doctors, new not so normal, ob/gyn, post traumatic stress disorder, thoughts
After Jake died we did switch ob/gyns but not initially. Evan and I decided that so few people knew Jake and our ob/gyn at the time was one of those few. It also seemed daunting to start all over with a new doctor. We saw her throughout the pregnancy with the twins however, we switched right after. I will explain that story in another post.
I still go to the ob/gyn group that we saw during my pregnancy with Sawyer. I love the doctor who delivered Sawyer but I decided to switch doctors within the group for my annual check ups. Just like after Jake died it seemed like starting over with a new doctor was too daunting. By staying in the practice I have not had to start over from the beginning with all the forms.
I (most likely along with a majority of the female population) do not love going for my annual check ups. I wonder if the waiting room is so upsetting for everyone. How does it feel to look at all the happy baby pictures on the walls when you have not buried 2 babies? I do not think that there ob/gyns who specialize in bereaved mothers but maybe they are out there. Would you switch ob/gyns if your baby died?
neighbors
September 15, 2014 at 10:40 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 12 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, hope, miscarriage, new not so normal, Sad, thoughts
Our old neighbors stopped by the other day. They moved over a year ago and we have not seem them. We really like them and the twins played all the time with their oldest daughter. We were sad when they moved and we have missed them. So I was not prepared for my crazy mix of emotions when they drove up. Although now that I think about it, I should have been.
We were pregnant at the same time. Their 4-year-old boy happily raced up our driveway. My thoughts not so unexpectedly went to our never will be 4-year-old boy, Sawyer. And then out of the car toddled their youngest daughter. I remember her mom telling me that she was pregnant. I was so very happy for them and extra excited because I was hoping to tell them in a few weeks that we were expecting too. I never told them because I miscarried.
We caught up and watched the twins and their 3 children run around. They asked about our other neighbors. I told them about the new neighbor baby born in August and the other one born in July. I am so very happy for those neighbors too but I could feel the pit in my stomach and the familiar lump start to grow in my throat. We chatted until it was time to get their kids back in the car.
I kept it together until they drove away. I could not hold back the tears any longer. I miss Sawyer. I miss the baby I miscarried. I am happy for our neighbors but sad for us. I do not actually want their babies but seeing them makes me miss our lost children. Those feelings are so hard for me. Why can’t I just be happy for other people and not sad for who is missing from our lives?
Luckily, the twins were waiting for me to make their dinner and for that I am eternally grateful.
The Happy and The Sad
August 26, 2014 at 8:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, bittersweet, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, hope, Jake, Jewish customs, new not so normal, Sad
The happy and the sad are so closely entwined during the month of August that I have whiplash. Jake’s birthday, my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary!!, more yahrzeits, more birthdays and tomorrow will be Jake’s death day. I know there are only so many days in a year so birthdays and anniversaries have to overlap at times but August for me has overwhelming extremes.
At 6:14 am tomorrow, it will be 9 years since we last held Jake. The day after will be the anniversary of his funeral. And all the days after that will continue to be bittersweet but maybe one day we will hold sweet Jake again.
Family Picture – August 27, 2005
So, this happened in the last week. . .
August 4, 2014 at 10:40 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 6 CommentsTags: 2nd grade, gratitude, life after loss, new not so normal, siblings, twins
these 2 turned 7 and they started 2nd grade!
I am beyond grateful that I am their mama.
i cannot believe i am writing about this again. . .
June 30, 2014 at 10:50 pm | Posted in after death?, Cemetery, Grief, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: cemetery, child loss, death of a baby, headstone, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective
Back in November the very kind cemetery people replaced Jake and Sawyer’s headstones. Jake’s headstone has now been replaced 4 times and Sawyer’s has been replaced 3 times. All seemed fine with the new ones. . .until a few weeks ago.
It has been raining a lot here in Atlanta so I thought maybe there were just water stains on the nameplates. I finally asked Evan what he thought about the stains. He said he would call the cemetery people. They went to check and the coating/finish is peeling off the nameplates. I am not sure how to feel about this – it sort of seems like a cruel joke. Should I cry? Should I laugh? Could the nameplates really need to be replaced again? Or, maybe Jake and Sawyer are just playing tricks or trying to give us something to worry about.
The very kind people at the cemetery are looking into it and will let us know. I will keep reminding myself that nothing is hurting Jake or Sawyer. There is no urgency to get this fixed. It might not be according to my plan but the world will keep spinning.
“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” Ron White
how do you live in a world without your child/children?
June 28, 2014 at 8:28 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life after loss, Love | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, grief, Jake, new not so normal, parenthood, Sawyer, thoughts
I honestly do not know. I feel like after Jake and then Sawyer died I should have some words of wisdom. . .but I don’t.
I find myself looking at other parents. Wondering what it would be like to watch all of your children grow up. I know that everyone has their own tragedies – they are different but difficult all the same. I know that I am lucky to have the privilege of being a parent to each of my children and to have held them (even if for only a short time).
Time does not make it better – just different.
I do not believe that Jake and Sawyer are in “a better place.” I do not know where they are but I wish it were with us.
I know that there is not a path to “get over” the death of your child/children. It is not the same for everyone. Some of us do not talk about our children at all. Some of us advocate for a cure for their cause of death. Some of us write about them. All of us want our children to be remembered.
Trees
April 14, 2014 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, death of a baby, Jewish National Fund, new not so normal, Trees, ways to honor the memory of your child
Last month we went to the playground where trees are planted for Jake and Sawyer. I do not think Sawyer’s tree is doing so well at the moment. . .
The plan is that we will try to straighten it out and hope that it grows better. It is best to plant trees in the colder weather so we will reevaluate in the fall. It makes me feel better just to have a plan.
Many people had trees planted in Israel for Jake and Sawyer when they died. Planting trees in Israel is a tradition which celebrates the life of loved ones. Evan and I often joke that there is a Jake and Sawyer forest at this point. I have never been to Israel and if I do go I would like to see the Jake and Sawyer forest :-).
I did write thank you notes to all the people who had trees planted for Jake. However, I never did write thank you notes for the trees, donations and acts of kindness that were done in memory of Sawyer. I do want to thank all of those who had trees planted for Sawyer and one day I hope to write those notes. Until then, please know how very thankful I am.
I want to wish a happy and healthy Passover to all those who celebrate!
Hoping for Milk
April 8, 2014 at 9:48 am | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, Love | 8 CommentsTags: Benjamin Milk, brain cancer, child loss, dark days, grief, hope, hospice, new not so normal
Some days it is harder than others to find hope.
After Jake was born at 26 weeks with hydrops, I hoped he would be among the 30% of babies who survive these enormous obstacles. There was no miracle.
The horrible night we brought Sawyer to the emergency room, I hoped for the miracle that it would all be an awful mistake. There was no miracle.
I hoped for a miracle that would cure the cancer that Evan’s mom had or at least give her back the life she had. There was no miracle.
On Friday a close family friend lost his valiant battle with brain cancer. In case I have not mentioned it before I hate cancer!! His family along with all of us who loved him hoped he would win this battle. He did not.
When there is no more hope for our loved ones to remain with us we often shift to hoping to prevent that anyone else should have to go through this horrible journey. So, his family has formed a team, Everybody Needs Milk, in the Race for Hope DC. I hope that one day soon a cure for cancer is found.
This is a telephone pole at the end of my neighborhood running route. It is a reminder to me that there is hope everywhere (just sometimes we have to look for it harder than others).
Many ways to mourn
April 2, 2014 at 10:08 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, mourning | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, death of a baby, new not so normal, parenthood
The other day a friend sent me an article about a mother who built a sandbox on her infant sons’ grave. The sandbox is to give her living 3-year-old son a way to “play” with his baby brother. It is a very creative idea which gives her son a way to mourn as well as bond with the brother he will never know.
My friend wrote in the email that the article made her smile. It makes me smile too.
How to Remember Your Child
February 28, 2014 at 1:00 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a child, love, ways to honor the memory of your child
I will always remember Jake and Sawyer. How they looked. How they smelled. Their sounds, and the touch of their skin.
Over the years since Jake and then Sawyer have died, we’ve always looked for ways to remember them by trying to build more memories of them. Maybe it is because we only had weeks with each of them. Maybe it is because it is a way to keep them a more active parts of our lives. Maybe it is because that is what we do when we loved ones are no longer present in our lives.
We’ve done things that have made sense to us to remember Jake and Sawyer. I’ve also come across suggestions (some of which we have taken, some of which we haven’t done) from other resources about ways parents can remember their children who have died. Some of those ideas include:
- Create a baby album with all your keepsakes in it. (This might take different shapes or forms depending on what keepsakes you have.)
- Make a collage frame, remembrance or shadow box with pictures, mementos and other things that remind you of your child.
- Plant flowers or a tree in your child’s memory, perhaps in a place you like to visit or that you associate with your child.
- Participate in walks or runs in your community.
- Buy memorial bricks (local parks often offer this as a fundraiser).
- Name a star after your baby.
- Write.
- Light candles.
- Volunteer or work on a special project in your child’s memory.
- Donate to a child who would be the same age as your child would be.
Do you have any other ideas to share?
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