Another Yahrzeit
December 10, 2013 at 10:20 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, Love, Sawyer | 13 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, grief, Jewish customs, new not so normal, yahrzeit
The word “yahrzeit” means anniversary (of a person’s death) in Yiddish. The word originated from German – Jahr, meaning year, and Zeit, meaning time.
Sawyer’s yahrzeit this year is on December 12th which means the candle should be lit the evening before (tomorrow). I have done my best to lose track of the days, in the hopes that this anniversary would not ever come. I know that time does not work that way but you can not blame a girl for trying. It has not been hard to keep busy and forget the date. I feel like the twins just started 1st grade but somehow Thanksgiving is over and despite my best efforts to stop time it is once again December.
I am extremely thankful for the time we did have with Sawyer and I still try to live in the present but I so wish I could hold him again even if is just for one more moment. . .
Another Thank You
November 30, 2013 at 6:58 pm | Posted in Grief | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, gratitude, new not so normal, thoughts, unexplainable
Thank you to the cemetery people for fixing Jake and Sawyer’s headstone markers. I never did make the call to let them know that the markers were shifting again but when I went to the cemetery the other day this is what I saw:
New headstones. New bolts. No more moving markers. The stones are even placed exactly how their sister carefully arranged them on Sawyer’s last birthday. One less thing to worry about. Thank you.
Thanksgivukkah
November 26, 2013 at 10:10 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 3 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, gratitude, Hanukkah, holidays, Jewish customs, life after loss, new not so normal, thankful, Thanksgiving, Thanksgivukkah, thoughts
This year the 1st day of Hanukkah and Thanksgiving fall on the same day. Apparently, this only happens once every 79,000 years or something. So, I am thankful it is happening during my lifetime. As I have mentioned before, since Jake and then Sawyer have died the holidays can be difficult. So, by combining 2 of them maybe this year will be easier.
I am so very thankful for family and friends who have stood by us during the best and worst of times of our lives. I am certain that I would not be able to get through this journey alone. I will continue to always be very thankful for the time that we did have with Jake and Sawyer. I try not to dwell on the Hanukkahs and Thanksgivings that we did not have and will never have with them. Some days are just harder than others.
Happy Hanukkah! Happy Thanksgiving! And, Happy Thanksgivukkah to those of you celebrating both!
The unbirthday
November 20, 2013 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 7 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, new not so normal, perspective, siblings
There are many ways to celebrate a deceased loved one’s birthday. This year on Sawyer’s birthday I ran in a race in the morning. One of my close friends suggested the idea. I did not realize at the time that it was a 4 mile race benefiting Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta. So, it was a 4 mile race on Sawyer’s 4th birthday benefiting the hospital where he died. Seems appropriate, doesn’t it?
After the race we went to lunch with the twins. We had pie. Not birthday cake. The little girl at the table next to us asked me if we were having dessert because it was someone’s birthday. I said, “Yes, but the birthday boy is not here.”
Next we went to the cemetery where Sawyer’s sister decorated and sang happy birthday. It started to rain. I was thankful that the raindrops hid my tears.
Evan was a bit cranky which is more than understandable when you should be celebrating with your 4-year-old son but instead you are going to the cemetery.
Evan holding Sawyer
My broken heart was glad when the day was finally done (even though I know my arms will ache to hold Sawyer just as much tomorrow).
Tomorrow
November 16, 2013 at 10:40 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 8 CommentsTags: #WorldPrematurityDay, baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, hope, March of Dimes, new not so normal, perspective, premature birth
The March of Dimes along with other parent groups and organizations in countries around the world dedicate tomorrow to raise awareness about premature birth and how it can be prevented. It is World Prematurity day. Hopefully, awareness and support will lead to more healthy babies. No family should have to live in a world without their child/children.
Tomorrow is also the would be/should be/never will be 4th birthday of our sweet Sawyer. While he was not premature, there are still no words to describe how much my arms ache to hold this little boy. . .
Sweet Sawyer (& Spam)
November 14, 2013 at 9:18 am | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, thoughts
Last week Evan sent me a very wise email with the subject line “Charlie Brown knows. . .”
If only we could . . .
Miss you so very much Mr. Sawyer. Love you always.
P.S. So sorry if you recently received spam from me again. I have changed my password and hopefully I should be spam free now.
Song for All Seasons
November 8, 2013 at 11:15 am | Posted in Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 12 CommentsTags: #DPchallenge, child loss, death of a baby, hope, new not so normal, songs
My mom sang this song to me when I was little. We sang this song to all 4 of our children. Now 2 of them sing to us. . .
The second verse was tougher for me especially after Jake and Sawyer died. There were many mornings when I woke up hoping that I was holding our other 2 sons.
The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head, and I cried
I will keep singing this song (now with the twins). And hoping for more sunshine.
Sunshine
November 6, 2013 at 9:32 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 6 CommentsTags: blogs, child loss, gratitude, hope, new not so normal, Sunshine award
Thank you so much to My Hope Jar and Hang your Hopes from Trees for nominating me for a Sunshine award. After looking into more information about the award it is a virtual way to connect bloggers who are writing about the same things and want to acknowledge each other. I am honored and pleased that they (or anyone) finds my blog helpful and inspiring.
The Sunshine Award is also kind of like a chain letter with rules and everything. I am not a chain letter person but there is something about spreading sunshine that I could not ignore. There is so much darkness in the world. We can all use some more sunshine. So, here it goes.
Rules of the Sunshine Award:
- Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post.
- Link the blogger who nominated you.
- Answer 10 questions about yourself.
- Nominate 10 other bloggers to receive the award.
- Link to your nominees and let them know you nominated them.
Questions about Me:
- Why do you blog? I am hoping that I can help others get through their difficult journeys. I want Jake and Sawyer to be remembered. I want to carry on their purpose in life (whatever that purpose might be)
- What is your favorite movie? Princess Bride
- What is your favorite food? Kale
- What is your favorite thing or memory about your spouse? He proposed at an ice cream store and had a flavor of ice cream named after me. When he asked me to marry him he was so nervous he got down on both knees instead of just one
- What do you do to relieve stress? Running, yoga (exercise in general)
- Who or what inspires you? All 4 of my children
- What is your biggest fear? Outliving all of my children
- What is your biggest dream? Happiness
- What is your best piece of advice? Sometimes there is not a happily ever after or a perfect ending. Gilda Radner said it much better than I ever could . . . “Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it. . .” – Gilda Radner
- What are you most proud of? My children
**(I answered the questions from My Hope Jar because it was the first nomination)
My Nominees
- My Hope Jar
- Hang Your Hope from Trees
- It’s Dilovely
- Chasing Rainbows
- Four Plus an Angel
- Still Life with Circles
- Living Without My Twin Sister
- The Spohrs are Multiplying
- Rockstar Ronan
- Carly Marie Project Heal
My Questions
- Why do you blog?
- What is your favorite movie?
- What is your favorite food?
- What is one of your favorite quotes?
- What do you do to relieve stress?
- Who or what inspires you?
- What is your biggest fear?
- What is your biggest dream?
- What is your best piece of advice?
- What are you most proud of?
Thank you again to My Hope Jar and Hang your Hopes from Trees for sending sunshine my way. I truly appreciate it.
Strong?
November 4, 2013 at 10:44 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, grief, life after loss, new not so normal, thoughts
Dear Sawyer,
It is me, your mom. It is almost your birthday. And again, there will be no party. You are still gone. We have made it through 3 other birthdays without you. I know that we will make it through this one too. Thanks to your older brother, Jake, I know that we can make it through a 4th birthday without the birthday boy. In fact, I can make it through every day with out you both. I just do not want to. . .
I miss you. I love you forever.
All Hallows Eve
November 1, 2013 at 10:51 pm | Posted in Jake, Sawyer | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, Day of the Dead, death of a baby, Halloween, holidays, new not so normal, perspective, thoughts
October 31st is not only Halloween but it also starts the celebration of the Mexican holiday Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead). The tradition focuses on celebrating and remembering friends and family who have passed away. Unlike Halloween, the celebration honors those who have died with food, festivities and an elaborate altar. The observance is on November 1st and 2nd, which coincides with the Catholic All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day. November 1st is for celebrating children and infants who have died. It is called Dia de los Inocentes (Day of the Innocents) or Dia de los Angelitos (Day of the Little Angels). November 2nd is for remembering all friends and family no matter what their age. In some beliefs, it is a three-day holiday beginning on October 31st, All Hallows Eve, when some believe the souls of young children arise at midnight.
I have never made an altar but I am very thankful to one of my close friends who includes Jake and Sawyer’s pictures on her altar. Maybe one day I will try to make an altar. There is a part of me that wants to make Halloween (along with all days) extra fun and extra special for the twins because I cannot ever do these things for Jake and Sawyer. No worries, I do know that the twins deserve fun and extra special just because of themselves.
There is a house in our neighborhood that has crazy blow ups for every holiday. I try to drive the twins by the house often during Halloween. Here it is during the day:
Here is the house at night:
And here we are (minus Evan):
Happy Halloween!
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