Dark Dark Days & Magical Moments

October 30, 2010 at 11:34 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning | 9 Comments

I used to refer to January of 2006 as when I hit rock bottom.   After the night Sawyer died,  I realized that was not rock bottom.   I am careful to just take each day as it is and not assign it a label.   I have to start where I am and just try to get through the day, the hour or the moment.  

January of 2006 was filled with many dark days.   As I wrote in my last post, I was cruising along on autopilot and had decided not to schedule any projects.   Without work to wake up for I found it increasingly difficult to figure out why I should get up at all.   I did always get up and get dressed (very often in the same clothes).   One of my brothers-in-law came to visit that January and we were supposed to go to lunch and the new aquarium.   I went to lunch.   I could not hold it together.   I asked Evan to drive me home.   I got back in bed and cried. 

Staying home did not seem to be helping.   I thought getting away might be the answer.  Evan and I planned a trip with my parents and grandfather to go visit my great Aunt Sophie in Florida.  We took my grandfather (age 93 at the time) to visit his sister (age 91 at the time).  We stayed at a hotel on the beach.   I very quickly realized that it did not matter where I was or who I was with – my grief and sadness came with me.   I could not run from it or hide.   I had to face it.   This was my life and I had to figure out how to live it.  

Jackie Kennedy Onassis once said:

 “I have been through a lot and have suffered a great deal. But I have had lots of happy moments, as well. Every moment one lives is different from the other. The good, the bad, hardship, the joy, the tragedy, love, and happiness are all interwoven into one single, indescribable whole that is called life. You cannot separate the good from the bad. And perhaps there is no need to do so, either.”

It has been 5 years, 2 months and 2 days since Jake’s funeral.   It has been 10 months and 2 days since Sawyer’s funeral.   Today, I was lucky enough to spend playing with the princess, the pirate and their dad.

The princess and the pirate


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  1. Oh lanie… such a beautiful post about such heartbreak. Always thinking of you. xo

  2. That princess, that pirate and their dad are so lucky to have you to play with. You are one classy lady Lanie, even in your darkest days you are always there for the ones you love, and we are all better for it.

    My love to you.

    P.S. No more princess and the cowboy? 🙂

  3. It’s easy to see how your princess and your pirate bring sunshine and smiles into your life.

  4. The princess, the pirate and their dad are so blessed to have you!

  5. That post about sums it up for me, too. Thank you for putting words to it. Thinking of you often.

  6. hugs and kisses to the princess, the pirate, their mom and dad–every day is better (and a little easier) because of you…

  7. You’ve got all the class, grace and strength of Jackie O–and a family that wants to be there for you.

  8. Blessings. You have blessings. That is what we have to hold on to. What else do we have? We have love, we have sorrow, we have memories, we have hope. You are so blessed to have a pirate and a princess and Evan. My heart is full for you. My heart is aching for your loss. Oh Lanie, how I weep for both of us, for all of us who have loved and lost.

  9. […] one excruciatingly dark day in January, I realized that I needed to know how other parents got up every morning and live in a […]

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