Missing Sawyer (today and always)

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Missing Sawyer (today and always)

December 30, 2014 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, Love, Sawyer | 11 Comments
Tags: anniversaries, death of a baby, deathiversary, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, thoughts, yahrzeit

Sawyer,
No matter what calendar I look at or how I calculate it you have now been gone for 5 years. According to the secular/American calendar Friday was your deathiversary. The Jewish calendar says that tonight starts your yahrzeit.

I have run out of calendars and calculations that allow me to avoid the 5th anniversary of your death. Over the years I have tried to outrun my feelings by being ridiculously busy. I have tried going away and staying home. It does not make a difference, no matter where I am or how busy I might be you are always with me. And so are my feelings. . .

I am in disbelief that you are dead and that it has been 5 years since we last held you. I am angry that you are not here with us. I am frustrated that we may never know the cause of your death. I am heartbroken that your father and I can no longer take care of you and watch you grow up with your older brother and sister.

I love you and miss you.

11 Comments »

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Hugs to you and your family ❤

Comment by charactersarefull— December 30, 2014 #

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Thinking of you Lanie. Today and always. xo xo

Comment by kelcey— December 30, 2014 #

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Dahlin’. You have been in my thoughts so much. Sawyer looks so perfect in that picture. Sending you lots of love.

Comment by Amy— December 30, 2014 #

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I love you and your family to the moon and back.

Comment by cate— December 31, 2014 #

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Oh Lanie my heart aches for you, and that gorgeous little face just pulls at me. Wishing you strength happiness and health in the new year

Comment by Daphne— December 31, 2014 #

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Thinking of you. Praying for you.

Comment by Kristen— December 31, 2014 #

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What a beautiful picture

Comment by Sara Hopper— January 2, 2015 #

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What a sweet little face- He looks amazing. I am sorry you are struggling today- or this week or right now, I know it comes and goes for me, some days easier than others, some days I don’t want to get out of bed. I am fast approaching our 3rd year deathversary, feb.18, my/our loss, its consumed me as it does this time of year. Hang in there. He is with you.

Comment by sheri777— January 5, 2015 #

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Arms aching. ❤

Comment by dilovely— January 9, 2015 #

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What a beautiful little boy! I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it has been for you. Hugs

Comment by Elaine— January 17, 2015 #

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[…] is my reality – I will never be able to bring Sawyer and Jake back to life. I will never hold Sawyer […]

Pingback by what to do when reality bites | A Mourning Mom— May 4, 2017 #

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