March of Dimes’ March for Babies
May 12, 2015 at 10:15 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 4 CommentsTags: death of a baby, gratitude, hope, March of Dimes, new not so normal, premature birth, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
Last weekend we walked and remembered Jake, Sawyer and all the other babies who were not there to march with us. In the 1950’s the March of Dimes helped to fund the cure for polio – which led to the effective end of the disease. Who knows maybe some day there will be similar medical breakthroughs that will help to end infant mortality and there will be less flowers in the memorial garden.
Thank you so much for again supporting our team this year and in past years. We appreciate all of your amazing kindness and generosity.
Still Marching
May 6, 2015 at 10:16 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, Love | 1 CommentTags: baby loss, death of a child, hope, life after loss, love, March of Dimes, mother's day, new not so normal, Northside Hospital, premature birth, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
This weekend our family is walking in the March of Dimes’ “March for Babies” just like we have in years past. Originally our team was named Jake’s Journey. After Sawyer died we renamed it to Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides. This year the walk is on Mother’s Day weekend. Although I wish we were walking with all of our children, I think this is as close of a perfect way to honor all 4 as possible.
The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality. I believe that the March of Dimes is making a difference and saving babies.
I cannot do anything to bring back Jake or Sawyer but maybe, just maybe, I can help spare other parents the heartbreak of having to live in this world without their child/children.
Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the Northside Hospital for matching funds. We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. Please consider supporting Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides and click here.
my updated new normal
April 2, 2015 at 11:12 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 5 CommentsTags: death of a baby, new not so normal, parenthood, post traumatic stress disorder, thoughts
I am still working on my spring resolutions but sometimes while I am busy focusing on the present, the past sneaks in. I have recently realized that the past is part of my new normal. People who meet our family now may or might not know that Jake and Sawyer existed. If they are people who we see regularly or the twins play with I am never quite sure if they know. The twins could have spoken about their brothers. Someone else could have told them. Or maybe they are a neighbor who saw the ambulance and police at our house that awful night that Sawyer died.
I have found myself telling those people – the friends and acquaintances – about our other 2 children. It feels like the right thing to do. No more guess work. No more pretending. Once I have shared Jake and Sawyer’s story I can be a better mom to all 4 of our children.
i hope someone finds a cure for cancer
March 2, 2015 at 9:51 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life after loss, Love | 9 CommentsTags: cancer, dark days, death, family, life after loss, new not so normal, Sad, thoughts
Not too long after Sawyer died, the spouses of 2 of my cousins were diagnosed with cancer. One lost her battle 2 years ago and the other lost her battle this past weekend. Having lived through Jake and Sawyer’s deaths, you would think handling death would somehow be easier (or at least not so damn hard). I feel like I should have some wise words – or some magic way to protect others from living without their loved ones. I am just not sure such magic exists. Rationally, I know that death is part of life and that we will all die at some point but dealing with it is not easy. Maybe it is not supposed to be easy. If it were easy than it would mean we did not care for or love the person.
The cousin’s wife who died recently was only in her forties and they have young children. It is not fair that their children have to grow up without their mother. I know, no one ever promised that life would be fair – but I wish it could be (even if only for a little while).
Missing Sawyer (today and always)
December 30, 2014 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, Love, Sawyer | 11 CommentsTags: anniversaries, death of a baby, deathiversary, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, thoughts, yahrzeit
Sawyer,
No matter what calendar I look at or how I calculate it you have now been gone for 5 years. According to the secular/American calendar Friday was your deathiversary. The Jewish calendar says that tonight starts your yahrzeit.
I have run out of calendars and calculations that allow me to avoid the 5th anniversary of your death. Over the years I have tried to outrun my feelings by being ridiculously busy. I have tried going away and staying home. It does not make a difference, no matter where I am or how busy I might be you are always with me. And so are my feelings. . .
I am in disbelief that you are dead and that it has been 5 years since we last held you. I am angry that you are not here with us. I am frustrated that we may never know the cause of your death. I am heartbroken that your father and I can no longer take care of you and watch you grow up with your older brother and sister.
I love you and miss you.
getting through the days
December 22, 2014 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 2 CommentsTags: dark days, death of a baby, Hanukkah, holidays, life after loss, Maccabeats, new not so normal, six13, smile, thoughts
Holidays are here and the anniversary of Sawyer’s death is this week no matter how much I will it not to happen. I cannot change the fact that he is dead. I want to share a few videos that are helping me get through the days (sometimes even with a smile).
P.S. Neis means miracle.
One of my thoughtful sister in-laws sent me this one last week. You may have seen it already but I wanted to share just in case you missed it. . .
I hope these make you smile too.
Holiday Hope
December 16, 2014 at 9:36 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 4 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, help, holidays, hope, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
I am not always strong enough to get through the hard days by myself – especially during the holidays. I look to others to see what they do during these happy/sad celebrations without their child/children.
One of my friends always includes her “angel” on their family holiday card. Their daughter, like Sawyer, died during this festive season. It is so bittersweet to read her name on the card but it always reminds me that I am not alone.
Another friend, has created a family tradition to bring unwrapped holiday gifts to all in-patient oncology kids who are in the hospital where her daughter spent her last Thanksgiving and Christmas.
A few years ago one mom was looking at outgrown Christmas dresses and thinking of her little girl who never got to wear them at all. She decided to create a Holiday Clothing Drive. She asks people to donate gently used holiday clothes to others in need.
I know that there will be other dark days but I will try to continue to search for hope.
December 14
December 12, 2014 at 2:22 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life after loss, Love | 3 CommentsTags: anniversaries, Compassionate Friends, Newtown, Sandy Hook Promise
This Sunday, December 14th, is the 2nd year anniversary of the unthinkable day at Sandy Hook elementary school. Twenty children and 6 educators were shot and killed.
This Sunday is also the Worldwide Candle Lighting created by The Compassionate Friends. The purpose of the event is to unite “family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause.”
At 7 pm around the globe candles will be lit to create “a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone.” The Compassionate Friends is an organization which was formed to support families after a child has died. Its founder, Simon Stephens, states the mission is “about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope.”
Thankful 2014
December 4, 2014 at 11:44 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 2 CommentsTags: hope, life after loss, thankful, Thanksgiving
I know Thanksgiving was last week but. . .
Hope that you all had a very happy Thanksgiving!
Five
November 16, 2014 at 10:54 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, gratitude, grief, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer
Dear Sawyer,
Tomorrow would/should be your 5th birthday. Five years ago tonight we were all anxiously waiting to meet you. Your Nanny and Pop came to take care of your big brother and sister while your daddy and I went to the hospital.
I still cannot believe that you are not here with us. Some mornings I wake up and hope that it all has just been a horrific nightmare. However, you are gone and this is our reality. You are forever frozen at 6 weeks old. There are no new pictures to post. I know that I am so lucky to have the ones that we did take. I just wish there were more.
I miss you so much. Happy birthday sweet Sawyer! As always, I will look for you in my dreams.
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A Mourning Mom 