October 15th
October 14, 2015 at 9:32 pm | Posted in Jake, life lessons, Sawyer, traditions | 3 CommentsTags: Atlanta Walk to Remember, baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, Jake, October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, Sawyer
Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. As part of the day, everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 pm in all time zones, all over the world. The idea is that if everyone lights a candle at 7 pm and keeps it burning for at least 1 hour, there will be a continuous wave of light.
Today and every day I miss Jake and Sawyer but tomorrow at 7 pm we will light candles. This year I will once again hope that the light from all the candles will make the darkness of the unknown a little brighter.
Update – October 15, 2015 at 7:30 pm:
Remembering Jake and Sawyer and all the other babies gone too soon
Walking to Remember – Together
September 30, 2015 at 10:36 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 4 CommentsTags: Atlanta Walk to Remember, child loss, death, death of a baby, Jake, new not so normal, Sawyer, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child, what i have learned in the 10 years since Jake died
One of the difficult and important lessons that I learned after Jake’s death is that I cannot do this alone. After Jake died, Evan and I were told about support groups. At the time, I could barely come to terms with the fact that Jake was dead and I was not. The thought of going to a group where everyone told their own tragic story of their child’s death seemed unimaginable to me.
Then one excruciatingly dark day in January of 2006, I realized that I needed to know how other parents got up every morning and live in a world without their child/children. Evan and I decided that it was time to go to a support group.
Every year since Jake (and then Sawyer) died we have walked in the Atlanta Walk to Remember. It is an event to connect parents and families together to express grief and remember our babies, and to raise awareness. It is not a fundraiser.
It is just a time to remember our lost babies together.
This year the walk will be held on October 4th. For more information and/or to register for the walk click here:
what i have learned in the 10 years since Jake died
August 31, 2015 at 9:44 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, why I write | 11 CommentsTags: anniversaries, child loss, death of a baby, deathiversary, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, post traumatic stress disorder, premature birth, what i have learned in the 10 years since Jake died
Dear Jake,
Another August has come and gone – the 10th August since you left this world. I honestly was not sure that I would make it – 10 years seems like an eternity at times but I still find it so hard to believe that it has been that long since your dad and I last held you.
The first thing that I learned is that I will make it through the days, months and years without you. I do not like it and it is excruciatingly hard. But, your dad and I were not given a choice. We are still alive.
I started writing this blog when you were gone for 5 years. Five years also seemed impossible. You would have started kindergarten and your brother Sawyer had died so unexpectedly 8 months earlier. A therapist and a few friends suggested I try writing. I thought why not – maybe I can help myself and possibly help others.
I think I had visions that one day I would change the name of the blog to something other than a mourning mom. It turns out 5 years later I am still a mourning mom. I have not found a cure for hydrops or premature birth. In fact, we still do not even know what caused Sawyer’s death. I have not started a non-profit or a race. And, I still have days when I cannot stop crying because I miss you and your brother so much.
I wanted to write what I have learned in these 10 years living in this world without you. I thought I could write one post to sum it all up but it is not quite that easy. So, this my sweet Jake will just be part 1. I will write to hopefully help others through their own journey. And, even if I cannot help others I know that in another 5 years I will look back on these posts to help myself figure out how to survive the 10 year deathiversary of your baby brother.
August 26, 2015 at 11:44 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, Jake | 3 Comments
Tags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, deathiversary, Jake
“When you come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.” – author unknown (borrowed from the walk to remember program)
Birthday Benches
August 20, 2015 at 11:36 pm | Posted in Grief, hydrops, Jake, life after loss, Love, NICU | 9 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, H.E.A.R.T.strings Perinatal Bereavement Office at Northside Hospital, hydrops fetalis, premature birth, ways to honor the memory of your child
Jake never left the hospital. His short life was spent entirely in the NICU. The only other places Evan and I went with him were the consult room and a small outdoor balcony off of the NICU.
While helping with the special project of updating the consult room I heard that the balcony might need some new benches. It seemed to make sense to me that for Jake’s 10th birthday we should get the benches for the balcony. So that is what we did. We miss you Jake.
Dear Jake
August 14, 2015 at 11:18 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 8 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, death, death of a baby, gratitude, Jake, life after loss
Happy 10th birthday sweet boy. Thank you for making me a mother. I have tried really hard today to focus on how lucky we are to have had you in our lives even for such a short time. The doctors and the statistics were not in favor of us spending any time on this earth together. You beat the odds and you were born alive. Then the doctors told us that you most likely would not live through the night – but again you proved them wrong. You were such a brave and strong fighter. Thank you for fighting so hard and for making Evan and me parents for the very first time.
I am trying to be brave and strong too but 10 years is an impossibly long time to live in this world without you. I miss you today and always. I hope that wherever you are you know how much you are loved and missed.
the sun and the earth
June 12, 2015 at 7:28 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, first grade, gratitude, hope, kindergarten, motherhood, new not so normal, second grade, summer, thoughts, Trees, ways to honor the memory of your child
The twins finished school on May 22nd. Their elementary school is divided into 2 campuses (k-2 is in the primary campus and 3-5 is in the intermediate campus about a mile away).
The pictures below are from their 2nd graduation parade. They both picked out the same concert t-shirt to wear.
Evan said that I should not be sad about the twins going to 3rd grade and at the same time be sad that Sawyer is not starting kindergarten. The twins growing up and finishing 2nd grade is the way life should be unlike Sawyer (and Jake) who are forever frozen in time.
I did cry in the corner a little bit during the parade but for the most part I have not been as emotional as I was at the end of 1st grade and kindergarten. I am not sure that if it was Evan’s words of wisdom or the fact that one of the twins had a temperature of 103.8 on the last day of school but we have left the primary campus without too many tears.
So far this summer because of life and work the twins have been spending time with a babysitter. When I got home from work yesterday they were both so excited to tell me that they went to the park and checked on Jake and Sawyer’s trees. I have not visited the trees to check on them in such a long time. It made me so happy that the twins thought to do it.
Holiday Hope
December 16, 2014 at 9:36 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 4 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, help, holidays, hope, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
I am not always strong enough to get through the hard days by myself – especially during the holidays. I look to others to see what they do during these happy/sad celebrations without their child/children.
One of my friends always includes her “angel” on their family holiday card. Their daughter, like Sawyer, died during this festive season. It is so bittersweet to read her name on the card but it always reminds me that I am not alone.
Another friend, has created a family tradition to bring unwrapped holiday gifts to all in-patient oncology kids who are in the hospital where her daughter spent her last Thanksgiving and Christmas.
A few years ago one mom was looking at outgrown Christmas dresses and thinking of her little girl who never got to wear them at all. She decided to create a Holiday Clothing Drive. She asks people to donate gently used holiday clothes to others in need.
I know that there will be other dark days but I will try to continue to search for hope.
“How many brothers and sisters do you have?”
November 20, 2014 at 2:22 pm | Posted in Grief, twins | 11 CommentsTags: be nice, child loss, death, kindness, new not so normal, parenthood, quotes, siblings
I have previously written about being asked “How many children do you have?” Over the years, I have different responses to this question. It may always be a tricky question for me to answer or maybe one day I will come up with the perfect response. I will let you know.
“How many brothers and sisters do you have?” is the bereaved sibling’s version of this question. They are both such common and polite questions but the answers for some of us are so complicated.
The other day on the playground a classmate asked one of the twins, “Do you have any brothers and sisters?”
She answered, “Yes, I have a twin brother and my 2 other brothers, Jake and Sawyer, passed away. ”
The second grade little boy answered, “Jake and Sawyer probably passed away to get away from you.”
Our little girl walked away. She is not perfect, she has and will say mean things at times too. I wish I could protect all of my children all the time. Jake and Sawyer have taught me that I cannot. As much as I hate it, there are things beyond my control. I am going to do my best to teach kindness to the 2 who are physically with us.
Five
November 16, 2014 at 10:54 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, gratitude, grief, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer
Dear Sawyer,
Tomorrow would/should be your 5th birthday. Five years ago tonight we were all anxiously waiting to meet you. Your Nanny and Pop came to take care of your big brother and sister while your daddy and I went to the hospital.
I still cannot believe that you are not here with us. Some mornings I wake up and hope that it all has just been a horrific nightmare. However, you are gone and this is our reality. You are forever frozen at 6 weeks old. There are no new pictures to post. I know that I am so lucky to have the ones that we did take. I just wish there were more.
I miss you so much. Happy birthday sweet Sawyer! As always, I will look for you in my dreams.
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