Hope and Hair
March 28, 2014 at 4:58 pm | Posted in Love, normal? | 11 CommentsTags: cancer, donate hair, hope, new not so normal, Pantene Beautiful Lengths, parenthood
As of today one of the twins and I have officially donated enough hair to Pantene Beautiful Lengths to make one wig for a cancer patient. It takes 6 donations to make a wig (I have donated 4 times and she cut her hair today for her 2nd donation!).
Hope that you all have a great weekend.
Helping with Homework
March 6, 2014 at 10:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, siblings
Today’s 1st grade homework assignment for one of the twins was about cultural diversity. The questions asked about backgrounds, customs and families. I was helping her with the assignment. We discussed the questions and her answers. “Where are you from?” Where were you born?” She quickly answered and wrote down, “Atlanta, Georgia.” All was going smoothly until, we got to the question asking, “How many brothers and sisters do you have?”
I have written before about being asked “How many children do you have?” “How many brothers and sisters do you have?” is the bereaved sibling’s version of this question. They are both such common and polite questions but the answers for some of us are so complicated. When people ask me how many children I have these days I usually say something like “I have 2 children at home.” I then try to change the subject. Or, the other day I caught myself saying “excuse me for a moment” and I left the conversation all together. I always remember Jake and Sawyer but I do not always talk about them. But maybe it does not have to be so difficult.
At first she did not immediately answer the question “How many brothers and sisters do you have?” Instead, she looked at me thoughtfully and asked, “Mama, how many brothers do I have?” Before I could say anything she said “I know!!” and she began to write . . .
I used to have three brothers but now I only have one. one brother
When she finished writing she went over to her one brother and gave him a hug. And, then I hugged them both.
Second Star
February 18, 2014 at 11:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life lessons, Love, Sawyer, Time | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, international star registry, new not so normal, siblings, stars, ways to honor the memory of your child
When Jake died the hospital gave us a packet of information to take home. I remember trying to read it through my tears and being unable to make out most of the words. When I got to the page on “Ways to Honor Your Child” I got a tissue, wiped my eyes and read. One of the ways was to name a star. Before I knew it I was on the phone buying a star for Jake:
Jake’s Star
The star date is his birthday and it is in the constellation of Leo (Jake’s zodiac sign). We have the star certificate with all of Jake’s other belongings. I think before now the only other person I told that I bought a star was Evan. Buying the star made me feel a bit better for the moment. It was something I could do for Jake. Funny how time changes some things. . .
After Sawyer died I did not buy a star. The thought of buying another star did not make me feel better. Recently, I came across Jake’s star certificate and decided that I did want a star for Sawyer after all.
I tried to order it online and then finally called. I wanted Sawyer’s star date to be his birthday, just like Jake’s. The star registry only goes back 2 years – which meant 2012, 2013 or this year. There is no 2009 option. I chose this year – for Sawyer’s 5th birthday.
Sibling rivalry is an issue at times in our house with the twins. I will never know if Sawyer would be unhappy that Jake had a star and he did not but the second star bought to avoid any worries. It made me feel a bit better and it was something I could do for Sawyer.
Unsubscribed & Unprepared
February 10, 2014 at 10:14 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life after loss, Love | 12 CommentsTags: Atlanta + Snow = Disaster, Atlanta snow, baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, hope, new not so normal, thoughts, twins
The week before Sawyer was born Evan and I realized that we would have 2 1/2-year-old twins at home during the winter with a newborn. We had not planned to send them to preschool until they were 3.
The twins plus winter plus a newborn at home. All of a sudden 2 1/2 seemed like the perfect preschool age. I called around and there were not many preschools with 2 open spots. We were super lucky and found a school for the twins. The school started the first week of January – Sawyer had died the week before and I did not want to let the twins out of my sight (but that is a different story. . . ).
I did give my name and information to a few other schools. I get emails from them now and then. I have successfully unsubscribed from most but there is one that I cannot get off the list. I usually just delete the emails without opening/reading them but for some reason I read this one. This week my 4-year-old and I were invited to Mommy & Me at 10 am on Wednesday.
There is no unsubscribe button!! What is the etiquette here? Writing an email that my 4-year-old and I will not be there because he is dead does not seem appropriate. Luckily, I got the email today that the Mommy & Me will most likely be cancelled “due to inclement weather”.
Is Atlanta unprepared?! Nope. Not this time. It was 50 degrees and clear today but the Atlanta forecast is for snow. So, school for the twins is cancelled tomorrow. And, Wednesday. The twins and I will be home with plenty of time for me delete those preschool emails.
I’m Scared (repost from my amazing cousin’s blog)
February 4, 2014 at 6:42 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 5 CommentsTags: amazing, family, fsh muscular dystrophy, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective
I would like to introduce you all to my amazing younger cousin. She is my hero.
This is my life. It’s all that I know. Friends have said they think I’m so brave for just living my life, when I’m just living my life the best I can… just as they are.
The truth is I’m scared.
When I initially decided to start a blog, I intended to make it humorous by discussing the more amusing aspects of my life than the dark ones, but sometimes all I see is darkness. I can’t take a single step without being scared that I will tumble and smash my teeth into the floor. I sometimes feel like I’m spiraling downhill with no end in sight.
I have FSH Muscular Dystrophy, and I’m just scared.
“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.”
– John Wayne
Going, going, gone. . .
February 2, 2014 at 11:18 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 5 CommentsTags: Atlanta + Snow = Disaster, Atlanta snow, hope, new not so normal
The weather in Atlanta has gotten warmer (in fact, today it was 70 degrees!!). We checked on our little snow family daily.
Going
Going
Gone
Do you want to build a snowman? Come to Atlanta.
January 30, 2014 at 5:30 pm | Posted in life lessons, Love | 8 CommentsTags: Atlanta + Snow = Disaster, Atlanta snow, baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, family, gratitude, new not so normal, perspective, Snowjam 2014
You might have heard about or are living through Atlanta’s snowstorm. Tuesday Evan and I both left work around 1 pm. After 30 minutes I had not left the parking lot. My stress level did not subside at all when finally I did leave the parking lot, because cars were not moving. . . not even a little bit. I quickly realized that I was not going to make it to pick up the twins from school at 2:30. I called Evan. My call did not go through. Bummer. Luckily, Evan called me and said he was in traffic but moving. He would drive towards school too. He was able to make it near the school within 2 hours. He parked and walked the rest of the way to get the twins.
By 4 pm Evan and the twins were all safely home. I for the most part stopped stressing about my never-ending commute. I had almost a full tank of gas, no kids or dogs in the car with me and I was moving (sometimes). My college days had prepared me for the no bathroom situation. I finally made it home after 6 hours. A friend who could not make it to her house arrived about an hour after I got home.
We were super lucky compared to lots of others. And, our friend made it home on Wednesday with no problem!
One of the twins has been a bit sick so he was not going outside. His sister, on the other hand, wanted to play in the snow! Meanwhile, he wanted to take pictures. He took a few pictures before realizing he should move his fingers. . .:
First, she wanted to build a snowman. After all, we have listened to the Frozen sound track 47,000 times in the last month.
Next, she wanted to build another snowman.
And, then she wanted to build a whole snow family.
In case you do not recognize us let me help you:
- Evan is the tall one in the blue hat with sunglasses
- I am wearing a cool pink hat our niece gave us
- the twins are the middle-sized snow people (she is wearing a hand me down hat from our niece and he is wearing a cool Star Wars hat from our nephew)
- Buddy and Baby (our dogs) are each wearing black and white polka dots
- Sawyer is wearing the brown hat (it is another Star Wars hat from our nephew)
- Jake is in between Baby and Sawyer
School just got cancelled for Friday too. It is supposed to be in the 60’s by the weekend. So, if you are looking for us we will be the one’s at home watching our snow family melt.
Fun Friday – Sharing Smiles
January 24, 2014 at 5:22 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, twins | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, dogs, happy, hope, new not so normal, thoughts
I am struggling to find a happy place today. So, I thought I would try to cheer myself up by sharing some things that did bring a smile to my face this week:
- Seeds of Happiness – They are simple, small clay smiley faces. The twins have yet to give them to anyone but they do have a big time playing with them:
“Mark Borella, a sculptor, created small smiley faces from left-over lumps of clay. He gave these to his friends whose young son was dying of cancer. He told them: “I know there is nothing I can say or do to make you feel better so I thought I would bring you some smiles to help you get your smile back. ”
He called them Seeds of Happiness. And his hope is that sharing the smiles continues to grow as their customers plant Seeds around the world.
- Keeping our dogs warm in the Star Wars coats we found this week:
It is possible that Buddy and Baby are not smiling about their new coats . . .
- I recently found out that there is a Happy Movie and a Happy Movement.
The movie is all about happiness and what makes people happy. The movement “is a 28 day program that brings happiness to the center of our lives.” I need to end this post so that I can go sign up.
Happy Friday and I hope that you all have a good weekend!
Another Yahrzeit
December 10, 2013 at 10:20 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, Love, Sawyer | 13 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, grief, Jewish customs, new not so normal, yahrzeit
The word “yahrzeit” means anniversary (of a person’s death) in Yiddish. The word originated from German – Jahr, meaning year, and Zeit, meaning time.
Sawyer’s yahrzeit this year is on December 12th which means the candle should be lit the evening before (tomorrow). I have done my best to lose track of the days, in the hopes that this anniversary would not ever come. I know that time does not work that way but you can not blame a girl for trying. It has not been hard to keep busy and forget the date. I feel like the twins just started 1st grade but somehow Thanksgiving is over and despite my best efforts to stop time it is once again December.
I am extremely thankful for the time we did have with Sawyer and I still try to live in the present but I so wish I could hold him again even if is just for one more moment. . .
Thanksgivukkah
November 26, 2013 at 10:10 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 3 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, gratitude, Hanukkah, holidays, Jewish customs, life after loss, new not so normal, thankful, Thanksgiving, Thanksgivukkah, thoughts
This year the 1st day of Hanukkah and Thanksgiving fall on the same day. Apparently, this only happens once every 79,000 years or something. So, I am thankful it is happening during my lifetime. As I have mentioned before, since Jake and then Sawyer have died the holidays can be difficult. So, by combining 2 of them maybe this year will be easier.
I am so very thankful for family and friends who have stood by us during the best and worst of times of our lives. I am certain that I would not be able to get through this journey alone. I will continue to always be very thankful for the time that we did have with Jake and Sawyer. I try not to dwell on the Hanukkahs and Thanksgivings that we did not have and will never have with them. Some days are just harder than others.
Happy Hanukkah! Happy Thanksgiving! And, Happy Thanksgivukkah to those of you celebrating both!
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