Goats
October 26, 2014 at 9:36 pm | Posted in Love, twins | 6 CommentsTags: goats4hire, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, smile, thoughts
I was trying to write this for a fun Friday post but I seemed to have missed it by a few days. I wanted to share a few of the things that have been making me smile recently. Please meet Darth Vadar:
“Luke, I am your GOAT. Adopt me and together we will rule the galaxy.”
And, Sable:
“What is a fine goat like me doing in a herd like this you might ask? I might ask that too – my coat is more beautiful than the finest sable in the world, bar none.”
These are just 2 of the goats who have been clearing the land for a new park near our house. When driving or walking through the neighborhood it has been fun watching these goats.
Evan and one of the twins even got interviewed about the park by the local NPR station. Click here if you would like to listen to the interview. (They did not get our names entirely correct but it is us.)
The Happy and The Sad
August 26, 2014 at 8:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, bittersweet, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, hope, Jake, Jewish customs, new not so normal, Sad
The happy and the sad are so closely entwined during the month of August that I have whiplash. Jake’s birthday, my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary!!, more yahrzeits, more birthdays and tomorrow will be Jake’s death day. I know there are only so many days in a year so birthdays and anniversaries have to overlap at times but August for me has overwhelming extremes.
At 6:14 am tomorrow, it will be 9 years since we last held Jake. The day after will be the anniversary of his funeral. And all the days after that will continue to be bittersweet but maybe one day we will hold sweet Jake again.
Family Picture – August 27, 2005
Comment for a Cause
August 10, 2014 at 11:58 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life lessons, Love | 1 CommentTags: birthday, Blogust 14, child loss, Heather Spohr, hope, Jake, new not so normal, Shot@Life
Jake’s 9th birthday would/should have been later this week. I am not sure that we will ever know why Jake left us so soon but I do know that Evan and I would have done anything we could have to prevent it from happening.
Unlike Jake, every twenty seconds, a child dies from a vaccine-preventable disease. Every twenty seconds, more parents are living in a world without their child/children. I do not want any parent to lose a child to a preventable disease because they did not have access to a medication.
Heather Spohr has partnered with Shot@Life, a campaign of the United Nations Foundation, to help provide life-saving vaccines where they are most needed. For every comment on Heather Spohr’s Post “A Chance For Health” or social share post received during the month of August, Walgreens will donate a vaccine to a child in need around the world.
Every child deserves the opportunity to have happy and healthy firsts. For Jake’s 9th birthday please consider clicking on this link and commenting on Heather’s post . Every comment gives another vaccine to a child who needs and wants one.
So, this happened in the last week. . .
August 4, 2014 at 10:40 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 6 CommentsTags: 2nd grade, gratitude, life after loss, new not so normal, siblings, twins
these 2 turned 7 and they started 2nd grade!
I am beyond grateful that I am their mama.
how do you live in a world without your child/children?
June 28, 2014 at 8:28 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life after loss, Love | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, grief, Jake, new not so normal, parenthood, Sawyer, thoughts
I honestly do not know. I feel like after Jake and then Sawyer died I should have some words of wisdom. . .but I don’t.
I find myself looking at other parents. Wondering what it would be like to watch all of your children grow up. I know that everyone has their own tragedies – they are different but difficult all the same. I know that I am lucky to have the privilege of being a parent to each of my children and to have held them (even if for only a short time).
Time does not make it better – just different.
I do not believe that Jake and Sawyer are in “a better place.” I do not know where they are but I wish it were with us.
I know that there is not a path to “get over” the death of your child/children. It is not the same for everyone. Some of us do not talk about our children at all. Some of us advocate for a cure for their cause of death. Some of us write about them. All of us want our children to be remembered.
Dear Mother’s Day Angels
May 12, 2014 at 9:24 pm | Posted in Jake, life lessons, Love, Sawyer | 7 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, holidays, mother's day, new not so normal, thoughts
Dear Jake and Sawyer,
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you both, but some days are harder than others. Mother’s Day is one of those days. Logically it is just another day. You are both gone every. single. day. It is not like the first days, weeks and months after you died when the tears so often streamed down my face without me even realizing. Now most of the time my tears are tucked farther away. The sadness and the joy of loving you both is a part of me.
I know I am not alone. There are so many other mothers in this club with me. There are motherless mothers, motherless fathers and those who have just lost. Death is part of life. And no matter how hard some days can be life goes on.
I like to believe that you both send things my way to make certain days (like Mother’s Day) easier for me. I wanted to thank you both for quite a few of those things this year.
- Thank you for your amazing brother and sister. They make me so very happy, except when they don’t (see 2nd bullet).
- Thank you especially for helping us find your sister when she ran away the first and SECOND time yesterday. One time she really had to go to the bathroom and the other time she thought she was being funny. Neither your dad or I laughed AT ALL.
- Thank you for making me smile when your dad and I were given a “gift bag” when we visited you at the cemetery. I guess they had the Mother’s Day cookout last year so the cemetery marketing people this year opted for gift bags. . .
- Thank you for showing me hope on days that are especially hard to find it. I found another “hope” telephone pole on my running route yesterday!
Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides
April 22, 2014 at 7:22 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Jake, life lessons, Love, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, hope, March of Dimes, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
No matter how far the distance you have traveled nor the failures that have gathered, hope would still meet you anywhere.
~ Dodinsky ~
Our family has walked in the March of Dimes’ “March for Babies” every year since Jake died. Originally our team was named Jake’s Journey. After Sawyer died we renamed it to Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides. We will be walking again this weekend.
The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality. I believe that the March of Dimes is making a difference and saving babies.
I cannot do anything to bring back Jake or Sawyer but maybe, just maybe, I can help spare other parents the heartbreak of having to live in this world without their child/children.
Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the hospital for matching funds. We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides please click this link.
Trees
April 14, 2014 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, death of a baby, Jewish National Fund, new not so normal, Trees, ways to honor the memory of your child
Last month we went to the playground where trees are planted for Jake and Sawyer. I do not think Sawyer’s tree is doing so well at the moment. . .
The plan is that we will try to straighten it out and hope that it grows better. It is best to plant trees in the colder weather so we will reevaluate in the fall. It makes me feel better just to have a plan.
Many people had trees planted in Israel for Jake and Sawyer when they died. Planting trees in Israel is a tradition which celebrates the life of loved ones. Evan and I often joke that there is a Jake and Sawyer forest at this point. I have never been to Israel and if I do go I would like to see the Jake and Sawyer forest :-).
I did write thank you notes to all the people who had trees planted for Jake. However, I never did write thank you notes for the trees, donations and acts of kindness that were done in memory of Sawyer. I do want to thank all of those who had trees planted for Sawyer and one day I hope to write those notes. Until then, please know how very thankful I am.
I want to wish a happy and healthy Passover to all those who celebrate!
Hoping for Milk
April 8, 2014 at 9:48 am | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, Love | 8 CommentsTags: Benjamin Milk, brain cancer, child loss, dark days, grief, hope, hospice, new not so normal
Some days it is harder than others to find hope.
After Jake was born at 26 weeks with hydrops, I hoped he would be among the 30% of babies who survive these enormous obstacles. There was no miracle.
The horrible night we brought Sawyer to the emergency room, I hoped for the miracle that it would all be an awful mistake. There was no miracle.
I hoped for a miracle that would cure the cancer that Evan’s mom had or at least give her back the life she had. There was no miracle.
On Friday a close family friend lost his valiant battle with brain cancer. In case I have not mentioned it before I hate cancer!! His family along with all of us who loved him hoped he would win this battle. He did not.
When there is no more hope for our loved ones to remain with us we often shift to hoping to prevent that anyone else should have to go through this horrible journey. So, his family has formed a team, Everybody Needs Milk, in the Race for Hope DC. I hope that one day soon a cure for cancer is found.
This is a telephone pole at the end of my neighborhood running route. It is a reminder to me that there is hope everywhere (just sometimes we have to look for it harder than others).
Many ways to mourn
April 2, 2014 at 10:08 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, mourning | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, death of a baby, new not so normal, parenthood
The other day a friend sent me an article about a mother who built a sandbox on her infant sons’ grave. The sandbox is to give her living 3-year-old son a way to “play” with his baby brother. It is a very creative idea which gives her son a way to mourn as well as bond with the brother he will never know.
My friend wrote in the email that the article made her smile. It makes me smile too.
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