August 14, 2013 at 12:14 am | Posted in Grief, Jake, life lessons, Love | 13 Comments
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Dear Jake,
Today you would/should have been 8.  You are not.  I am still so very thankful that I got to meet you.  I just wish we could have kept you for longer.  Below are the words that your dad wrote to you 8 years ago.  They are just as true today.

We love you Jake.

You are our sunshine.

You are such a courageous and strong fighter, and we are so proud of you.

Jake, you are a miracle, and we thank you for choosing us to be your parents.

You are so wise for someone so young and so small.  You knew when you had to come into this world Jake, and you knew when you had to leave us to be in a better place.

You are and were the perfect son for us.

Jake, please know that we felt all the love you gave to us during your time here.

We are sad that we could only spend such a short time with you, but we are so glad and thankful for every minute of it.

It is amazing how we could come to love you so immediately and so completely even though we were just getting to know each other.

Then again, we feel like we have known you all of our lives, and you will be in our hearts forever and beyond.

Jake, we also know that you are at peace and that you are being watched over by all of our loved ones who also watch over all of us from above.

Thank you, Jake.

Thank you for coming to us.

Thank you for choosing us.

Thank you for loving us and letting us love you with all of our hearts.

We’ll see you every night playing up with the moon and the stars.

I miss you every. single. day.  Some days are harder than others.  I love you.

Happy Mother’s Day??

May 14, 2013 at 10:14 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 3 Comments
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As I have already written, Mother’s Day is not my favorite day.  I try to focus on the 4 positive pregnancy tests and the 4 live births.  I also try not dwell on the 2 emergency c- sections, the NICU, the miscarriage and the 2 deaths.  The truth is that all of these events have made me a mother.

I have gone to the cemetery the last seven Mother’s Days.  I know that some people consider this morbid.  For me it is my way of taking care of my children who are not physically with me.  It gives my aching arms something to do (even if it is clipping grass and cleaning headstones).  It brings me some peace.

This year I noticed something different.  There was a sign at the entrance to the cemetery:

Mother's Day Cook out

Maybe the cemetery has a new marketing person.  Or, maybe I have missed the sign in past years.  Either way, it just seems odd to have a Mother’s Day cook out at the cemetery.  And, what would one do with a t-shirt from the cemetery?

R Baby Project, Recitals & Reasons

May 30, 2012 at 11:36 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, normal? | 8 Comments
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They Say There is a Reason
They say there is a reason, They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason, Will change the way I feel,
For no one knows the heartache, That lies behind our smiles,
No one knows how many times, We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something, So there won’t be any doubt,
You’re so wonderful to think of, But so hard to be without.
~Author Unknown


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R Baby Project:

One of my sister-in-laws recently emailed me a link about a family who had a baby girl named Rebecca.  Rebecca was born 4 weeks premature and spent 5 days in the NICU.  The doctors determined that Rebecca was healthy and she went home.  The next day Rebecca was severely congested and had difficulty breathing.  Her parents took her to the pediatrician and the ER.  Doctors misdiagnosed her symptoms as a common cold and she was repeatedly sent home.  Tragically, Rebecca died at 8 days old.  Rebecca contracted an enteroviral infection which can be life threatening in babies.

Rebecca’s parents created the R Baby Foundation.  This charity is dedicated to helping newborn babies, primarily those less than a month old suffering from viral infections and other infectious diseases, receive the highest quality of care and service through supporting education, research, training and life-saving equipment.

Along with recitals and reasons I have decided that I am going to add a feature to this blog which focuses on families who are making the world a better place by honoring the memory and lives of their children.  If you know of or come across any organizations that would be worth mentioning please let me know.

Thank you!

April 28, 2012 at 8:06 pm | Posted in Grief, Love, silver lining, why I write | 4 Comments
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2 words today:


What I Need

April 14, 2012 at 11:12 pm | Posted in Death, life after loss, mourning, normal? | 19 Comments
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I am not always able to adequately articulate my feelings.  Jake and Sawyer’s deaths have often left me feeling alone and misunderstood.  Sometimes I read something and it is exactly how I think and feel.  Reading Four Plus An Angel  by Jessica, often leaves me with that reaction.  Jessica, writes beautifully about her life without her daughter Hadley.

What I Need by Jessica

I need to say her name without bringing everyone to tears.

I need her life to be included in the count of children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.

I need kindness on birthdays and understanding on holidays.

I need to stay in bed and a reason to get out of it.

I need to talk endlessly and to let the phone ring.

I need an extra hug and respect for my space.

I need someone to ask how I’m doing and want to know the real answer.

I need careful announcements of pregnancies, baby showers and births, mine did not turn out as I hoped.

I need a “handle with care” sticker for my heart, my emotions have been fragile since the day I said goodbye.

I need patience and reminders for my mind, part of it will always be somewhere else.

I need forgiveness for not being the friend, sister, daughter and wife I used to be.

But more than anything I need you…

your support, your friendship, your understanding…

a lifetime is an impossibly long time to wait to hold my child again.

Two other impressive things going on at Four Plus An Angel:

  1. Jessica is also an advocate for autism.  She has a very cool project going on during April, Autism Awareness month.  Jessica is asking for a picture of you or someone you know or love who has autism, holding up a message they would like the world to know about autism. For more details on the project and where to send pictures click here.
  2. Jessica, like our family, supports the March of Dimes.   She is very close to her goal and I am hoping that she makes it.  Click on the button below to donate to Jessica’s team.


November 18, 2011 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, NICU, silver lining | 3 Comments
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Sometimes I get so caught up in my own story that I miss the rest of the bigger story of the world out there.  Yesterday was Sawyer’s birthday.  It was also World Prematurity Day.  Thank you to Evan for telling me in the first place and to Jessica for reminding me.

November is also Prematurity Awareness Month.  Did you know that in the U.S., 1 in 8 babies is born prematurely and worldwide 13 million babies are born too soon each year (statistics from the March of Dimes)?  3 of our 4 children were born premature.  So many of my friends’ children spent time in the NICU.  If you would like to please comment with who you know who was/is in the NICU.

Another thing happening in the world yesterday was that EC Stilson released her book “The  Golden Sky.”  She wrote about the life and death of her son Zeke.  His birthday would have been today.  In honor of Zeke and her book EC had a blogfest.  She graciously asked me to participate.  I confess that I tried but could not figure out how to post the button.

Today I still have my story but I am also joining the rest of the bigger world’s story.  Hopefully, one day I too will find that  “after every storm, there is a golden sky” (EC Stilson).

EC Writes

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