What I Need

April 14, 2012 at 11:12 pm | Posted in Death, life after loss, mourning, normal? | 19 Comments
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I am not always able to adequately articulate my feelings.  Jake and Sawyer’s deaths have often left me feeling alone and misunderstood.  Sometimes I read something and it is exactly how I think and feel.  Reading Four Plus An Angel  by Jessica, often leaves me with that reaction.  Jessica, writes beautifully about her life without her daughter Hadley.

What I Need by Jessica

I need to say her name without bringing everyone to tears.

I need her life to be included in the count of children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.

I need kindness on birthdays and understanding on holidays.

I need to stay in bed and a reason to get out of it.

I need to talk endlessly and to let the phone ring.

I need an extra hug and respect for my space.

I need someone to ask how I’m doing and want to know the real answer.

I need careful announcements of pregnancies, baby showers and births, mine did not turn out as I hoped.

I need a “handle with care” sticker for my heart, my emotions have been fragile since the day I said goodbye.

I need patience and reminders for my mind, part of it will always be somewhere else.

I need forgiveness for not being the friend, sister, daughter and wife I used to be.

But more than anything I need you…

your support, your friendship, your understanding…

a lifetime is an impossibly long time to wait to hold my child again.

Two other impressive things going on at Four Plus An Angel:

  1. Jessica is also an advocate for autism.  She has a very cool project going on during April, Autism Awareness month.  Jessica is asking for a picture of you or someone you know or love who has autism, holding up a message they would like the world to know about autism. For more details on the project and where to send pictures click here.
  2. Jessica, like our family, supports the March of Dimes.   She is very close to her goal and I am hoping that she makes it.  Click on the button below to donate to Jessica’s team.


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  1. The passage above is so beautiful and it helps those of us who have not experienced the death of a child to understand a little better. I don’t know how you manage to get yourself out of bed every day, but you are doing an incredible job xo

    • Thanks so much for your support and understanding.

  2. Lanie,
    You are so right – Jessica writes beautifully and has articulated what anyone who has lost a love needs. I may have to steal this passage for my own friends and family to help them understand “what I need”.


    • I think Jessica would be happy to know that she is helping others understand.

  3. Know that I am always here, as your friend. Always. xoxo

    • I know and am very thankful for you my friend!

  4. Thank you so much for sharing this Lanie and for all of your kind words. I’m so glad we’ve connected.

  5. Lanie- your friends write as beautifully as you do. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful insight. And thank you for forgiving those in your life who have probably not known what you have needed and done the wrong thing. Sending much love to you guys always.

    • Thank you & no forgiveness needed. Sending love right back to you.

  6. Lanie, it has been a while. I just found myself sitting here for hours rereading every single post of your blog. I’m so touched by your writing and honored that you share your feelings and thoughts with us. I’m amazed over and over again at the twins’ wisdom and uncanny ability to say and do just the right thing. I wish when we had a brief visit last week that I had had more time with you and that I had hugged you harder. I think of you and Evan and all four of your children often.

    • Thank you for reading & your support. Hope to catch up with you again soon.

  7. Hi Lanie. I don’t know if you remember me, but I contacted you in October about a remembrance service that Rock Goodbye Angel was having on Oct. 15th. I wanted to let you know there is an upcoming Angel Baby 5K and 1 Mile Memory March on Sunday, May 6th at Gainesville State College. It is a Mother’s Day event for bereaved moms as well as a fundraiser for Rock Goodbye Angel. I didn’t know if you and your husband and twins might be interested in attending. Early registration ends April 22nd. You can sign up on http://www.active.com by searching for Angel Babies 5K, visiting the Rock Goodbye Angel website, http://www.rockgoodbyeangel.org or email me if you have any questions, babygradysmom@yahoo.com. Take care! Tonya

    • I do remember you and thank you for contacting me. I have committed to another event on May 6th but will check out the website to see if there is another way I can help.

  8. Sometimes it’s so hard to identify and articulate what we need. She says it so well, hopefully guiding those of us who want to do the right thing but may not always know how.

    • Jessica does say it so well – so I asked her for permission to repost. Thank you for always helping me.

  9. Lovely post–and Jessica has hit some perfect notes for us to all listen to.

  10. This is so spot on, as is the previous quote about there being a name for everyone who has lost a someone apart from parents losing a child. I bury my feeling sometimes and it can be painful to pick the scab and expose them again but I’m glad I did reading this and will be sharing it with my closest friends and family. Thinking of you. x

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