Hectic, Hope & Hair

October 20, 2012 at 10:20 pm | Posted in Grief, Love, normal?, twins | 11 Comments
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There always seems to be a lot happening in October.  However, this year seems extra crazy busy.  For example, yesterday the twins had a fun run at school, a baseball game and a kindergarten social.  Busy is good for me.  It keeps me moving forward.  No time (or at least not too much time) to stop and think about the 3rd birthday party we would be planning if Sawyer were still alive.

It turns out that hectic schedules are not so great for the twins.  Getting ready quickly to get to the next event is not either of their strong points.  So yesterday when no one would get dressed for baseball.  After lots of whining and a small melt down or two, I surrendered.  Their team was not going to have to forfeit if the twins were not there.  In fact, they do not even keep score.  Little people do not have to be busy all the time.  Finally, they agreed to get dressed for their school social.  And they had a good time.

Until, they didn’t. . .

Today was supposed to be another busy day.  A school fall festival and a hair cut.  I again did not fight the twins when they refused to get dressed to go to their fall festival.  They played pretend.  I braced myself for the fight I thought I would have with them in order to get them dressed to go out for their hair cuts.

Evan and I were pleasantly surprised when 2 little people got dressed and into the car without a melt down.  The twins were excited for this hair cut.  I had donated my hair last year and unintentionally inspired our daughter to grow her hair.  Here is her hair before:

Here is the hair pull that did not hurt (or put anyone in time out):

And, the after picture:

The Balancing Act

October 4, 2012 at 11:14 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, normal?, venting | 5 Comments
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Areas of my life which I wish I could find a balance:

1. Answering the question, “how many children do you have?”

The twins started a new school this year. There are new teachers. New parents.

The twins started preschool the week after Sawyer died. We did not plan it that way but it is the way it worked out. It was a small preschool. I had already answered the questions. I had cried the tears in the parking lot.

Sawyer has been gone over 2 years so I can usually answer the question without the tears. The balance I am trying to find is answering the question without the pity that always seem to come along with it. It is hard to explain but I do not want people to feel sorry for us. I just want to be able to answer the question and talk about Jake and Sawyer.

2. “Being so busy I cannot think” coping technique

In 2005, Jake had died. I was still alive and forced to figure out how to live in a world without him. I searched and searched for steps to follow. A guide. Anything to help me get through the excruciatingly painful moments. I realized that being busy was the way to go. I desperately filled every possible moment.

In 2009 after Sawyer died I continued to utilize my “being so busy I cannot think” coping technique. I am at a point where I need to rethink just how busy I keep myself.

I do not know how to find the balance. There might not be a balance. Or, maybe there is and I will find it one day.  Till then I will try to take Dr. Seuss’ advice and “step with care and great tact.”

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

August 22, 2012 at 8:28 pm | Posted in life after loss, why I write | 10 Comments
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Thank you very much to Di from It’s Dilovely for the nomination for this award:

The rules to the Very Inspiring Blogger Award are as follows:

  1. Display the Nomination logo on your blog
  2. Link back to the person who nominated you
  3. State 7 things about yourself
  4. Nominate 15 others and link to them
  5. Notify those bloggers of the nominations & award requirement

See above for #1 & #2.  So here goes #3:

  1. I have 1 million freckles.  I was not always so happy to have them.  When I was young, my mom always told me that they were kisses from the sun.  Now I am ok with the freckles and I am explaining to the twins about their sun kisses (which I still do not know how the sun gets through all the sun block to kiss them!).
  2. I am left-handed.
  3. I got an N (non-satisfactory) in handwriting in 2nd grade.  We wrote in pencil in 2nd grade and I did not figure out how to pick up my arm and not smear the page till the 3rd grade.
  4. In 3rd grade I thought I knew everything.  I clearly remember walking home from school one day thinking to myself, “I know how to divide and multiply.  I can write the alphabet in cursive.  What else could I possibly learn in school?”  Turns out there was a lot left to learn and I did not even need to bother learning cursive…
  5. I worked at an ice cream store in high school.  My friend Susan worked there too.  Susan and I are both tall with brown hair and brown eyes.  I have freckles (see #1) and she doesn’t but people would often confuse us for each other.  The owners of the ice cream store called us both Susan the entire time I worked there.
  6. Evan proposed at an ice cream store and had an ice cream flavor created for me.
  7. My grandfather is turning 100 next week!

Okay – finished with #3.  Here goes #4, nominations:

  1. Mama Bird Diaries – Kelcey is super funny, clever and witty.  She always makes me laugh and reminds me to look for the funny in life.  I am pretty sure that Kelcey’s blog is the first one I ever read.
  2. Four Plus An Angel – Jessica is the mother of 5.  She has a teenage daughter with autism, 2 surviving triplets and a rainbow baby in her arms.  Hadley is always in her heart.  She writes beautifully and has the uncanny ability to write exactly how I am feeling.
  3. Cora’s Story – Kristine writes in memory of her daughter Cora.  Along with writing about her blog, Kristine also wrote the free e-book When a Friend’s Baby Dies.
  4. A Greener Biener – Daphne writes about her and her families’ adventures in treating the planet more gently and eating better.  She has not only given me recipes for kale chips but inspired me to compost.
  5. The Spohrs Are Multiplying – Heather and Mike both blog on this site.  Their first daughter Maddie died suddenly in April of 2009.  The blog includes adventures of their daughter, Annie as well as photography tips, hair do ideas, recipes and life without Maddie.
  6. The Good Cook – Linda shares fantastic recipes and her journey since TBHITW (the best husband in the world) died.
  7. Rock Star Ronan – Ronan died in 2010 from neuroblastoma cancer.  His mother, Maya made a promise that she would continue to fight for Ronan until cancer survival rates start to improve and eventually a cure is found.
  8. Faces of Loss – Kristen Cook created this group blog when her daughter Stevie Joy was born still.  Kristen felt alone in her grief until she started to search the internet.  She created a place for women to share their stories and faces.  Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope brings awareness to the issue of pregnancy/infant loss.
  9. Simon’s Beat – The Sudman’s created Simon’s Fund and the blog in memory of their baby boy, Simon.  The mission of Simon’s Fund is “To save a child’s life . . . and then another, by raising awareness of conditions that lead to sudden cardiac arrest and death.”
  10. Jana’s Thinking PlaceMommy wants Vodka and Band Back Together –  Becky (from Mommy Wants Vodka) and Jana are the creators/editors of the group site Band Back Together.  It is a place where people connect about the good, the bad and the ugly parts of life.
  11. Missing Maxie – Abby writes about her son Max, who died at the age 9 1/2 months and her newborn Mo.
  12. Glow in the Woods – This is a group blog for “For parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds.” The creator an editor, Angie also writes the blog Still Life With Circles and created the project right where I am.
  13. Dr. Joanne – Joanne Cacciatore started the MISS Foundation as a way for families to cope with the tragedy of a child’s death.
  14. The Crazy Life of a Writing Mom – EC Stilson wears many hats.  She is an author, a musician and a mom and writes about all of her adventures.
  15. It’s Dilovely – Di blogs from the perspective as a mother (one child with her, one who died and one on the way).  She also writes from the perspective of a person (BANG, by a normal girl).

One of my hopes for my writing is that someone will read this blog and find something that will make their life some how easier.  Thank you again, Di, for the honor.

A Happy Day

August 16, 2012 at 11:42 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 13 Comments
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“Today you are you! That is truer than true!
There is no one alive..…who is you-er than you!
Dr. Seuss “Happy Birthday To You!”

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVAN!

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Kindness

July 24, 2012 at 8:58 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, silver lining | 2 Comments
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I, along with the rest of the world, do not understand the horror that took place last week in Colorado.  There are no words which seem adequate for such a tragedy.   The families left behind have a devastating hole in their lives and way too many unanswered questions.  Life is not fair.  However, a few things I read gave me some hope:

1.  An article  about the “Tales of Heroism. . .”.  “Even as a masked gunman kept firing a hailstorm of bullets in a Colorado movie theater, acts of selflessness and heroism sprouted from all across the room.  Three of the 12 people killed died while shielding their girlfriends from the gunfire. And a young woman risked her life to aid her wounded friend, refusing to leave her side.”

2.  My friend Kelcey over at Mama Bird Diaries focused on the helpers in the tragedy.  Kelcey posted the following quote she found through Ann Imig.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of “disaster,” I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.” -Fred Rogers

There is so much darkness in the world that sometimes it is hard to see the light.  But light, hope and rainbows are there, just some days you have to look much harder than others.

More kindness.  The MISS Foundation’s Dr. Joanne Cacciatore started the Kindness Project in 1996 as a way for families to cope with the tragedy of a child’s death. Since then, more than 1,000,000 kindnesses have been committed around the globe in memory of children, gone too soon.

Anyone can participate in memory of anyone!

Here’s what you do:

Visit the MISS Foundation’s International Kindness Project Day website:
www.KindnessProjectDay.org

Imagine this:
All around the world,
on this one day of the year,
mourners will be transforming their grief into a
powerful message of
love, hope, peace, and kindness!

The boy with the dragon tattoo (and the blue cast)

July 22, 2012 at 8:36 pm | Posted in life after loss, normal? | 8 Comments
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Thursday I was at work and saw that I missed a call from the twin’s camp.  One of the twins had fallen.  If I had placed a bet it would have been on her. Her mind has always raced far ahead of her body which often causes her to fall.  However, I was wrong.

Here he is before getting an x-ray.  If you look very closely at his hand you can see that it has a dragon tattoo.  Well at least most of a dragon tattoo.  Putting on those temporary tattoos in not one of my strong points.  They somehow are always missing part of the tattoo – in this case it is a dragon body with not so much of a dragon head.

The x-ray showed a small fracture.  Now the headless dragon is covered up by a blue cast. . .

Wonder what the dragon will look like in few weeks?

Sibling Rivalry?

July 16, 2012 at 5:46 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 14 Comments
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On any given day our twins will be arguing over who is “bigger”.  She is 3-4 inches taller.   He is 1 minute older.  I have explained these facts over and over again.  So technically they are both right.  However, in their 4-year-old (almost 5) minds this is not a satisfactory solution.  I am not sure why but I continue to feel the need to unsuccessfully rationalize with them.  Sibling rivalry at its finest.

The other day I was driving.  The twins were in their seats in the back.   It had not been a particularly good day.  There had been arguing between the 2 of them.  There had been time outs (or as it is known in our house, “the zone”). All seemed to have calmed down as I drove along until the question was asked.  I have always known this question would be asked one day but somehow I was not prepared.

“Do you love Jake and Sawyer more?”

Silence.

“Mama, who do you love the most?”

More silence.

I realized that if I did not answer quickly this line of questioning would continue possibly forever.  In case you did not know, 4 almost 5-year-olds can be very persistent.

“I love you all the same.  I just miss Jake and Sawyer more.  I can not hug them the way I hug you both.”

Miscarriage

May 28, 2012 at 10:28 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, pregnancy | 18 Comments
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The doctor who told me that I was most likely having a miscarriage put me on bed rest for a few days.    Bed rest for me equals time where my thoughts can take over any rational part of my brain and run wild.  Bed rest means that I can not resort to my usual defense of keeping so busy that I do not have time to think.

I cried on the couch as I watched the twins play.   I was so lucky that my mom was able to come to town.  I told her that she did not need to come.  I knew by the time I spoke to her that no amount of bed rest was going to help.  She said she wanted to come anyway.  I did not argue.

I thought writing about it in my last post would somehow help.  I reread my post and it turns out that I did not actually write what happened.   So here it is, I had a miscarriage.

I will be fine.  I will continue to get up and live just as I have every day, week, month and now years since Jake and Sawyer have died.

Once Upon a Playdate

May 10, 2012 at 10:00 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, silver lining, twins | 4 Comments
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“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”  Elizabeth Stone

I was not able to prevent Jake or Sawyer’s deaths.  As their mother, I thought I could/should be able to protect them from anything and everything.  I was wrong.   I try my best to keep the twins as safe as possible.  I know that just like with Jake and Sawyer I will not be able to shelter them from anything and everything.  It is a work in progress . . .

There once was a little boy who would talk on and on about his friend, G.  He thought about having a playdate with her but was not quite sure he was ready for his mom to make the call to set it up.   Then one day G’s mom and the little boy’s mom made a plan to play after school.

After he found out about the plan, the little boy would wake up every morning and anxiously ask, “Is today the day that G is coming over to play?”

Finally the big day arrived.  At school, there was a field trip to a park.  The little boy’s mom was one of the drivers.  On the playground, the little boy ran up to his mom and sadly declared, “G changed her mind and she is not coming over to play today.”  The little boy’s twin sister came running up right behind him and just for emphasis yelled “G is NOT coming over ever.”

The little boy’s mother tried to say comforting things like, “maybe G will change her mind” and “if G does not come over today we will find another day for a playdate.”  The little boy folded his arms over his chest and sadly said, “Mama, this is the worstest day ever.”

The field trip ended and all the children went back to school.   The little boy asked G again if she would come over for the playdate.  She responded that should would never ever come over.

The little boy’s mom tried unsuccessfully to think of an extra special treat for the afternoon.   Pick up time arrived and G hopped into her car.  The little boy unhappily watched her as she climbed into her minivan.   The little boy’s mom as a last-ditch effort went over to G’s car before it drove out of the carpool line.  G smiled at the little boy’s mom.   G climbed out of her car seat and said, “I think I would like to go on that playdate now.”

And they played happily ever after.

What I Need

April 14, 2012 at 11:12 pm | Posted in Death, life after loss, mourning, normal? | 19 Comments
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I am not always able to adequately articulate my feelings.  Jake and Sawyer’s deaths have often left me feeling alone and misunderstood.  Sometimes I read something and it is exactly how I think and feel.  Reading Four Plus An Angel  by Jessica, often leaves me with that reaction.  Jessica, writes beautifully about her life without her daughter Hadley.

What I Need by Jessica

I need to say her name without bringing everyone to tears.

I need her life to be included in the count of children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.

I need kindness on birthdays and understanding on holidays.

I need to stay in bed and a reason to get out of it.

I need to talk endlessly and to let the phone ring.

I need an extra hug and respect for my space.

I need someone to ask how I’m doing and want to know the real answer.

I need careful announcements of pregnancies, baby showers and births, mine did not turn out as I hoped.

I need a “handle with care” sticker for my heart, my emotions have been fragile since the day I said goodbye.

I need patience and reminders for my mind, part of it will always be somewhere else.

I need forgiveness for not being the friend, sister, daughter and wife I used to be.

But more than anything I need you…

your support, your friendship, your understanding…

a lifetime is an impossibly long time to wait to hold my child again.

Two other impressive things going on at Four Plus An Angel:

  1. Jessica is also an advocate for autism.  She has a very cool project going on during April, Autism Awareness month.  Jessica is asking for a picture of you or someone you know or love who has autism, holding up a message they would like the world to know about autism. For more details on the project and where to send pictures click here.
  2. Jessica, like our family, supports the March of Dimes.   She is very close to her goal and I am hoping that she makes it.  Click on the button below to donate to Jessica’s team.

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