No worries (I wish. . .)
March 16, 2014 at 9:28 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer, twins, why I write | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, grief, hope, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, thoughts
If your problem has a solution then…why worry about it? If your problem doesn’t have solution then…why worry about it? – Chinese Proverb
In theory I think this makes sense and I agree with the proverb, but I have a problem: I think that worrying is in my DNA.
Everyone at our house is feeling fine now but last week that was not the case. Evan and one of the twins were sick. It is part of life – everyone gets sick. But, I do not like it one bit! I try very hard to rely on the rational part of my brain but the irrational part of me always seems to take over. I am transported back to the days and nights before Sawyer died. Was there something going on? Was he sick in some way? What did I miss? How could he be seemingly perfect one moment and then dead the next?
I know that the twins are not Sawyer. They are bigger. They are stronger. They can tell me when something is wrong (and usually can specifically detail what is wrong too!). However, I cannot help but second guess myself. I cannot help but worry about what we could have done differently, what might have prevented Sawyer from dying that night, how we might have taken a different action or course and he would still be here with us today. I also know that even if we did miraculously figure out the cause of Sawyer’s death it would not change the fact that he is dead. Resurrection is not our reality. Of course, I cannot change that now, and of all things, I logically know I should not worry about things I cannot change. And yet, those are the things that seem to draw out my worries the most.
Unsubscribed & Unprepared
February 10, 2014 at 10:14 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life after loss, Love | 12 CommentsTags: Atlanta + Snow = Disaster, Atlanta snow, baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, hope, new not so normal, thoughts, twins
The week before Sawyer was born Evan and I realized that we would have 2 1/2-year-old twins at home during the winter with a newborn. We had not planned to send them to preschool until they were 3.
The twins plus winter plus a newborn at home. All of a sudden 2 1/2 seemed like the perfect preschool age. I called around and there were not many preschools with 2 open spots. We were super lucky and found a school for the twins. The school started the first week of January – Sawyer had died the week before and I did not want to let the twins out of my sight (but that is a different story. . . ).
I did give my name and information to a few other schools. I get emails from them now and then. I have successfully unsubscribed from most but there is one that I cannot get off the list. I usually just delete the emails without opening/reading them but for some reason I read this one. This week my 4-year-old and I were invited to Mommy & Me at 10 am on Wednesday.
There is no unsubscribe button!! What is the etiquette here? Writing an email that my 4-year-old and I will not be there because he is dead does not seem appropriate. Luckily, I got the email today that the Mommy & Me will most likely be cancelled “due to inclement weather”.
Is Atlanta unprepared?! Nope. Not this time. It was 50 degrees and clear today but the Atlanta forecast is for snow. So, school for the twins is cancelled tomorrow. And, Wednesday. The twins and I will be home with plenty of time for me delete those preschool emails.
I’m Scared (repost from my amazing cousin’s blog)
February 4, 2014 at 6:42 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 5 CommentsTags: amazing, family, fsh muscular dystrophy, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective
I would like to introduce you all to my amazing younger cousin. She is my hero.
This is my life. It’s all that I know. Friends have said they think I’m so brave for just living my life, when I’m just living my life the best I can… just as they are.
The truth is I’m scared.
When I initially decided to start a blog, I intended to make it humorous by discussing the more amusing aspects of my life than the dark ones, but sometimes all I see is darkness. I can’t take a single step without being scared that I will tumble and smash my teeth into the floor. I sometimes feel like I’m spiraling downhill with no end in sight.
I have FSH Muscular Dystrophy, and I’m just scared.
“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.”
– John Wayne
Going, going, gone. . .
February 2, 2014 at 11:18 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 5 CommentsTags: Atlanta + Snow = Disaster, Atlanta snow, hope, new not so normal
The weather in Atlanta has gotten warmer (in fact, today it was 70 degrees!!). We checked on our little snow family daily.
Going
Going
Gone
Fun Friday – Sharing Smiles
January 24, 2014 at 5:22 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, twins | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, dogs, happy, hope, new not so normal, thoughts
I am struggling to find a happy place today. So, I thought I would try to cheer myself up by sharing some things that did bring a smile to my face this week:
- Seeds of Happiness – They are simple, small clay smiley faces. The twins have yet to give them to anyone but they do have a big time playing with them:
“Mark Borella, a sculptor, created small smiley faces from left-over lumps of clay. He gave these to his friends whose young son was dying of cancer. He told them: “I know there is nothing I can say or do to make you feel better so I thought I would bring you some smiles to help you get your smile back. ”
He called them Seeds of Happiness. And his hope is that sharing the smiles continues to grow as their customers plant Seeds around the world.
- Keeping our dogs warm in the Star Wars coats we found this week:
It is possible that Buddy and Baby are not smiling about their new coats . . .
- I recently found out that there is a Happy Movie and a Happy Movement.
The movie is all about happiness and what makes people happy. The movement “is a 28 day program that brings happiness to the center of our lives.” I need to end this post so that I can go sign up.
Happy Friday and I hope that you all have a good weekend!
Tomorrow
November 16, 2013 at 10:40 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 8 CommentsTags: #WorldPrematurityDay, baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, hope, March of Dimes, new not so normal, perspective, premature birth
The March of Dimes along with other parent groups and organizations in countries around the world dedicate tomorrow to raise awareness about premature birth and how it can be prevented. It is World Prematurity day. Hopefully, awareness and support will lead to more healthy babies. No family should have to live in a world without their child/children.
Tomorrow is also the would be/should be/never will be 4th birthday of our sweet Sawyer. While he was not premature, there are still no words to describe how much my arms ache to hold this little boy. . .
Sweet Sawyer (& Spam)
November 14, 2013 at 9:18 am | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, thoughts
Last week Evan sent me a very wise email with the subject line “Charlie Brown knows. . .”
If only we could . . .
Miss you so very much Mr. Sawyer. Love you always.
P.S. So sorry if you recently received spam from me again. I have changed my password and hopefully I should be spam free now.
Song for All Seasons
November 8, 2013 at 11:15 am | Posted in Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 12 CommentsTags: #DPchallenge, child loss, death of a baby, hope, new not so normal, songs
My mom sang this song to me when I was little. We sang this song to all 4 of our children. Now 2 of them sing to us. . .
The second verse was tougher for me especially after Jake and Sawyer died. There were many mornings when I woke up hoping that I was holding our other 2 sons.
The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head, and I cried
I will keep singing this song (now with the twins). And hoping for more sunshine.
Sunshine
November 6, 2013 at 9:32 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 6 CommentsTags: blogs, child loss, gratitude, hope, new not so normal, Sunshine award
Thank you so much to My Hope Jar and Hang your Hopes from Trees for nominating me for a Sunshine award. After looking into more information about the award it is a virtual way to connect bloggers who are writing about the same things and want to acknowledge each other. I am honored and pleased that they (or anyone) finds my blog helpful and inspiring.
The Sunshine Award is also kind of like a chain letter with rules and everything. I am not a chain letter person but there is something about spreading sunshine that I could not ignore. There is so much darkness in the world. We can all use some more sunshine. So, here it goes.
Rules of the Sunshine Award:
- Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post.
- Link the blogger who nominated you.
- Answer 10 questions about yourself.
- Nominate 10 other bloggers to receive the award.
- Link to your nominees and let them know you nominated them.
Questions about Me:
- Why do you blog? I am hoping that I can help others get through their difficult journeys. I want Jake and Sawyer to be remembered. I want to carry on their purpose in life (whatever that purpose might be)
- What is your favorite movie? Princess Bride
- What is your favorite food? Kale
- What is your favorite thing or memory about your spouse? He proposed at an ice cream store and had a flavor of ice cream named after me. When he asked me to marry him he was so nervous he got down on both knees instead of just one
- What do you do to relieve stress? Running, yoga (exercise in general)
- Who or what inspires you? All 4 of my children
- What is your biggest fear? Outliving all of my children
- What is your biggest dream? Happiness
- What is your best piece of advice? Sometimes there is not a happily ever after or a perfect ending. Gilda Radner said it much better than I ever could . . . “Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it. . .” – Gilda Radner
- What are you most proud of? My children
**(I answered the questions from My Hope Jar because it was the first nomination)
My Nominees
- My Hope Jar
- Hang Your Hope from Trees
- It’s Dilovely
- Chasing Rainbows
- Four Plus an Angel
- Still Life with Circles
- Living Without My Twin Sister
- The Spohrs are Multiplying
- Rockstar Ronan
- Carly Marie Project Heal
My Questions
- Why do you blog?
- What is your favorite movie?
- What is your favorite food?
- What is one of your favorite quotes?
- What do you do to relieve stress?
- Who or what inspires you?
- What is your biggest fear?
- What is your biggest dream?
- What is your best piece of advice?
- What are you most proud of?
Thank you again to My Hope Jar and Hang your Hopes from Trees for sending sunshine my way. I truly appreciate it.
Fun Friday
October 18, 2013 at 12:08 am | Posted in life after loss, Love | 8 CommentsTags: hope, hugs, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, thoughts, What does the fox say?
I have always wondered what it would be like to write something light-hearted. The twins have Fun Friday at school so I was thinking I should give it a try too. Here are two things that made me smile this week.
1. The Facebook page Amazing Things in the World posted this picture a few days ago:
Did you know that koalas sleep cuddled with their young to protect them at all times? I think it sounds like a perfect idea which would resolve many of my paranoid parenting tendencies. The twins would so not think it was perfect and they would most likely make a similar expression as the one on the baby koala’s face. Snuggling in a stationary position would not work for them because they prefer to toss and turn while asleep. Perhaps in my next life I can be a koala.
2. Have you seen the video “What does the Fox Say?” It is super funny. The brothers Vegard and Bård Ylvisåker, members of a Norwegian comedy group produced the song and music video “The Fox.” They created it to promote the upcoming season of their television talk show, Tonight with Ylvis. Disclaimer: If you watch this video, the song could get stuck in your head for days.
Just wanted to share the smiles with you all. Hope that you have a good weekend.
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