getting through the days
December 22, 2014 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 2 CommentsTags: dark days, death of a baby, Hanukkah, holidays, life after loss, Maccabeats, new not so normal, six13, smile, thoughts
Holidays are here and the anniversary of Sawyer’s death is this week no matter how much I will it not to happen. I cannot change the fact that he is dead. I want to share a few videos that are helping me get through the days (sometimes even with a smile).
P.S. Neis means miracle.
One of my thoughtful sister in-laws sent me this one last week. You may have seen it already but I wanted to share just in case you missed it. . .
I hope these make you smile too.
Faith?
November 10, 2014 at 11:40 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 7 CommentsTags: death of a baby, grief, hope, Jake, Jewish customs, new not so normal, Sawyer, unexplainable
After Sawyer died a rabbi spoke to me and Evan. Evan told him that he was very angry. The rabbi told Evan to go ahead and be angry at G-d, ” because if anyone can handle it, He can.” This made sense to me.
The rabbi went on to tell us a story that did not make too much sense to me at the time. He told us about a rabbi and his wife who were walking back from their son’s funeral. The wife asked her husband, “what now, what do we live for?” The husband answered that we live for our living children and to carry on the memory of our son. Tragically, the next child of this couple dies. And once again, walking back from the funeral the wife asks her husband, “what now, what do we live for?” The husband gives the same answer, “we live for our living children and to carry on the memories of our sons.”
The story goes on until the couple has walked back from the funerals of all their children. The wife once more asks, “what now, what do we live for?” The husband says we are to carry on the memories of our children and we are reminders to everyone else in the village to be thankful for what they have.
My initial response to this story was, “why us? Why do Evan and I have to be the reminders? Why can’t we just have Sawyer back?” Over the years my thoughts about this story have changed. I know that we cannot have Sawyer back. I know that we will always carry on Jake and Sawyer’s memory. Evan and I did not choose this journey but here we are – and I may never truly understand why. I do know Jake and Sawyer do remind us to hug the twins a little tighter and to appreciate what we do have.
“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.” Mother Teresa
Pathology is No Place for Politics: Update
November 6, 2014 at 11:14 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | Leave a commentTags: death of a baby, fetal harm cases, pathology, Rennie Gibbs, thoughts, unexplainable
In the spring I wrote a post about a Mississippi woman who was accused of murdering her stillborn baby. Rennie Gibbs was 16 years old and 36 weeks pregnant when she was admitted to an area emergency room. Her baby was diagnosed with “fetal demise” – the umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck. Doctors induced labor and Gibbs delivered a stillborn daughter she named Samiya.
Gibbs’ case is part of a wave of “fetal harm” cases in which women are prosecuted when their babies are stillborn or otherwise die and traces of drugs are found in their system. In this case, medical facts establish the cord as the cause of death. Medical professionals, including Sawyer’s pathologist, determined that it is impossible to conclude that drug use on the part of the mother caused stillbirth.
The charges have been dropped against Rennie. Thank you to Chris for commenting on my past post with the update. Every mom feels guilt when their child dies – even without being charged with murder. I am so glad that the judge in Mississippi dismissed the charges. He ruled that the “law was unclear in Mississippi as to the appropriate charge, if any, to be levied when a pregnant woman allegedly consumed illegal drugs and allegedly caused the death of her unborn child.”
should you switch ob/gyns after your baby dies?
October 20, 2014 at 10:18 pm | Posted in Jake, life after loss, Sawyer | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, death of a baby, doctors, new not so normal, ob/gyn, post traumatic stress disorder, thoughts
After Jake died we did switch ob/gyns but not initially. Evan and I decided that so few people knew Jake and our ob/gyn at the time was one of those few. It also seemed daunting to start all over with a new doctor. We saw her throughout the pregnancy with the twins however, we switched right after. I will explain that story in another post.
I still go to the ob/gyn group that we saw during my pregnancy with Sawyer. I love the doctor who delivered Sawyer but I decided to switch doctors within the group for my annual check ups. Just like after Jake died it seemed like starting over with a new doctor was too daunting. By staying in the practice I have not had to start over from the beginning with all the forms.
I (most likely along with a majority of the female population) do not love going for my annual check ups. I wonder if the waiting room is so upsetting for everyone. How does it feel to look at all the happy baby pictures on the walls when you have not buried 2 babies? I do not think that there ob/gyns who specialize in bereaved mothers but maybe they are out there. Would you switch ob/gyns if your baby died?
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
October 14, 2014 at 10:14 pm | Posted in Grief | 1 CommentTags: Atlanta Walk to Remember, baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, hope, new not so normal, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, ways to honor the memory of your child
“When you come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.” – Author Unknown (borrowed from the Atlanta Walk to Remember 2010 program)
Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. As part of the day, everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 pm in all time zones, all over the world. The idea is that if everyone lights a candle at 7 pm and keeps it burning for at least 1 hour, there will be a continuous wave of light.
The candles that we will light were given out at the Atlanta Walk to Remember 2014. We will be lighting our candles at 7 pm hope you can join us.
October – Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month
October 12, 2014 at 9:08 pm | Posted in Grief, traditions | 4 CommentsTags: Atlanta Walk to Remember, child loss, death of a baby, Jake, Sawyer, ways to honor the memory of your child
October, in addition to being Breast Cancer Awareness month, is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month. In 1988, President Ronald Reagan issued a Presidential Proclamation making it a national event. This year the Governor of Georgia also wrote an official proclamation making October Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month.
Across the world there are many walks to remember. Families and friends walk to remember their little loved ones. The walk also symbolically joins people who are working towards raising awareness of perinatal loss and care.
The year before Jake died, 10 years ago, three bereaved mothers in Atlanta started the Atlanta Walk to Remember. Last weekend we walked for the 9th time. Originally, Evan and I walked to remember Jake. In 2007, we were lucky enough to walk while pushing the twins in their stroller. Starting in 2010, the 4 of us have walked together every year to remember Jake and Sawyer. The walk this year had the biggest turn out yet. It was in a new location and it was a very special day.
This was also the first year that one of the twins had an activity conflicting with the walk. One of the twins had a flag football game. Evan and I decided to talk to him about it and give him a choice. I was a bit surprised, but maybe I should not have been – he decided to go to the walk. He said “I can play in the game next week.”
Each week in his 2nd grade class they write the “Weekend News.” Here is his from last week:
In case you cannot read this, it says “My dad’s a[u]nt came over. I went to the walk to rem[em]ber. With my spicey monky. I went [to] the walk to rem[em]ber bec[a]use two of my brothers died. I had a good walk.” And so did we.
neighbors
September 15, 2014 at 10:40 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 12 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, hope, miscarriage, new not so normal, Sad, thoughts
Our old neighbors stopped by the other day. They moved over a year ago and we have not seem them. We really like them and the twins played all the time with their oldest daughter. We were sad when they moved and we have missed them. So I was not prepared for my crazy mix of emotions when they drove up. Although now that I think about it, I should have been.
We were pregnant at the same time. Their 4-year-old boy happily raced up our driveway. My thoughts not so unexpectedly went to our never will be 4-year-old boy, Sawyer. And then out of the car toddled their youngest daughter. I remember her mom telling me that she was pregnant. I was so very happy for them and extra excited because I was hoping to tell them in a few weeks that we were expecting too. I never told them because I miscarried.
We caught up and watched the twins and their 3 children run around. They asked about our other neighbors. I told them about the new neighbor baby born in August and the other one born in July. I am so very happy for those neighbors too but I could feel the pit in my stomach and the familiar lump start to grow in my throat. We chatted until it was time to get their kids back in the car.
I kept it together until they drove away. I could not hold back the tears any longer. I miss Sawyer. I miss the baby I miscarried. I am happy for our neighbors but sad for us. I do not actually want their babies but seeing them makes me miss our lost children. Those feelings are so hard for me. Why can’t I just be happy for other people and not sad for who is missing from our lives?
Luckily, the twins were waiting for me to make their dinner and for that I am eternally grateful.
The Bad News and The Good News
September 8, 2014 at 10:45 pm | Posted in Grief | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, Jake, Method Baby Products, new not so normal, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer
The BAD news – – Jake and Sawyer’s nameplates/headstones are officially rusting (not sure if rusting is the right word but see the picture below). We spoke to the cemetery people and apparently the manufacturers did not put the correct finish on (or, they completely forgot the finish). So, this is what it looks like at the moment:
Do you see the border rusting (or peeling away)? The letters are starting to go too. It makes me crazy. We spoke to the nice people at the cemetery today. They are going to fix it. The nameplates/headstones and the granite will all be replaced AGAIN.
The GOOD news – – As part of their Fall collection, Method brought back Rice Milk & Mallow (the scent that reminds us of Sawyer). And instead of just letting us find it in the store, they sent us all of this!
METHOD IS THE BEST!!
The Happy and The Sad
August 26, 2014 at 8:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, bittersweet, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, hope, Jake, Jewish customs, new not so normal, Sad
The happy and the sad are so closely entwined during the month of August that I have whiplash. Jake’s birthday, my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary!!, more yahrzeits, more birthdays and tomorrow will be Jake’s death day. I know there are only so many days in a year so birthdays and anniversaries have to overlap at times but August for me has overwhelming extremes.
At 6:14 am tomorrow, it will be 9 years since we last held Jake. The day after will be the anniversary of his funeral. And all the days after that will continue to be bittersweet but maybe one day we will hold sweet Jake again.
Family Picture – August 27, 2005
Dear Jake
August 14, 2014 at 9:14 pm | Posted in Grief | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal
Dear Jake,
today you would have been 9. do you know how much we miss you? i do not have the right words at the moment to tell you. in fact my words and thoughts have been stuck for awhile. i guess you know this already.
i just want to tell you happy birthday baby boy. love and miss you so very much. xoxo
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