A Mourning Mom

Sawyer’s Story: The Funeral

Four years ago today was Sawyer’s funeral.   I still cannot believe that Evan and I have lived through 2 of our children’s funerals.   Most of those days are a big blur and what I do remember was that everything seemed so surreal.  I had trouble putting sentences together.

Evan, on the other hand, wrote speeches for Jake and then again 4 years later for Sawyer.  I am still amazed and thankful that Evan was able to think and write clearly enough for both of us.

My brother read what Evan wrote at Jake’s funeral.  Below is what Evan read at Sawyer’s funeral:

Our son Sawyer is perfect.  We know all parents feel that way about their children, and they should.  We feel that way about our first son Jake, our twins Fletcher and Alyssa, and about Sawyer.  But it’s not just a feeling.  We know it.  Sawyer is and always will be perfect.  He has been perfect from the first moment we met him.  Yes, he was also sweet, and adorable, and soft, and cuddly, and wonderful.  But above all else, he was perfect.  A perfect son.  A perfect little brother.

We don’t know why we only got 40 days with Sawyer.  We were supposed to have 40 years or more.  40 days makes no sense, and likely never will.  We don’t know why that happened, but what we do know is how much we love Sawyer.  We know how much we miss him and how much are hearts ache not being able to hold him and kiss him and care for him the way we were supposed to be able to do.  40 days – even the 40 wonderful days we had with him – is not enough.  Not even close.

But, we’re going to treasure every memory from those 40 days.  The first moment we saw him at the hospital.  The first time we each held him.  The first time we fed him and changed him and swaddled him.  The first time we took him home and introduced him to the twins.  The first time he smiled at us (even though it was probably just gas).  The first time we got to tell every one of you about him and positively beamed with pride in getting to do so.  We will hold onto each of those firsts – and every other moment after them that we had with Sawyer.  We’ll remember every time we just sat and stared at him and marveled at how perfect he was and how amazing it was that we could make something – someone – so perfect.

We thank you all for being here this morning to help us get through this day with your love, friendship and support.  We thank you for all that so many of you have already done, your words of love and kindness, and your helping hands.  And we thank you for all that you will do to help as we try to figure out how to go on without having all those “firsts” we were supposed to have with Sawyer over the days, weeks, months and years to come.  We welcome you back to our house after the service today, so that we can attempt to start to thank you in person and thank you for loving Sawyer with us.

There is comfort in knowing that Sawyer’s big brother Jake will be with him now.  So will Grandmother and Aunt Sophie – Sawyer’s namesake who also had to grieve for a lost son – and his other great grandparents and loved ones who passed before him.  We know he’s in good hands – it’s just that they are not the hands he is supposed to be in yet.  He is supposed to be in our hands.  But instead, our hands shake because we can’t touch him.  Our arms ache because we can’t hold him.  Our hearts break because he is gone after only 40 days.  But even as we cannot understand or believe any of this, we want you to know, Sawyer, that we love you.  Truly, deeply, forever, we love you.  And no matter what Sawyer, you are perfect.  You are perfect.  You are perfect.