I still hate cancer
June 18, 2015 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 3 CommentsTags: cancer, dark days, family, life after loss, new not so normal, post traumatic stress disorder, Sad, thoughts
I am once again silent and stuck. I am hoping that writing helps. My amazing cousin’s mom was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and her heart is failing.
My amazing cousin’s mom and my mom are first cousins. I am heartbroken for my cousins, my mom and the fact that I feel so helpless.
Look for the Happy
May 24, 2015 at 5:55 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, life after loss | 6 CommentsTags: anniversaries, birthday, happy, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, quotes, siblings
On the road of life, it is not where you go
but who you are with that makes the difference.
Author Unknown
A very happy Birthday to my brother!
And, a very happy anniversary to Evan!
Still Marching
May 6, 2015 at 10:16 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, Love | 1 CommentTags: baby loss, death of a child, hope, life after loss, love, March of Dimes, mother's day, new not so normal, Northside Hospital, premature birth, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
This weekend our family is walking in the March of Dimes’ “March for Babies” just like we have in years past. Originally our team was named Jake’s Journey. After Sawyer died we renamed it to Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides. This year the walk is on Mother’s Day weekend. Although I wish we were walking with all of our children, I think this is as close of a perfect way to honor all 4 as possible.
The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality. I believe that the March of Dimes is making a difference and saving babies.
I cannot do anything to bring back Jake or Sawyer but maybe, just maybe, I can help spare other parents the heartbreak of having to live in this world without their child/children.
Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the Northside Hospital for matching funds. We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. Please consider supporting Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides and click here.
i hope someone finds a cure for cancer
March 2, 2015 at 9:51 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life after loss, Love | 9 CommentsTags: cancer, dark days, death, family, life after loss, new not so normal, Sad, thoughts
Not too long after Sawyer died, the spouses of 2 of my cousins were diagnosed with cancer. One lost her battle 2 years ago and the other lost her battle this past weekend. Having lived through Jake and Sawyer’s deaths, you would think handling death would somehow be easier (or at least not so damn hard). I feel like I should have some wise words – or some magic way to protect others from living without their loved ones. I am just not sure such magic exists. Rationally, I know that death is part of life and that we will all die at some point but dealing with it is not easy. Maybe it is not supposed to be easy. If it were easy than it would mean we did not care for or love the person.
The cousin’s wife who died recently was only in her forties and they have young children. It is not fair that their children have to grow up without their mother. I know, no one ever promised that life would be fair – but I wish it could be (even if only for a little while).
baby steps
January 28, 2015 at 7:36 pm | Posted in Grief | 13 CommentsTags: death of a baby, gratitude, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, post traumatic stress disorder
The other day I was alone with a baby. I have not been alone with a baby since my days with Sawyer.
Our neighbor’s baby boy had heart surgery the first week of January. He is home now and doing great. I offered to help. The mom asked if i could stay with the baby while she picked up her other sons from preschool. As she placed the baby in my arms I silently told myself “I can do this.” I held him the entire time his mom was gone and I watched his every breath. He might have almost smiled at me. My neighbor came home, I placed him back in her arms and agreed to come watch him another day. I did it!
Missing Sawyer (today and always)
December 30, 2014 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, Love, Sawyer | 11 CommentsTags: anniversaries, death of a baby, deathiversary, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, thoughts, yahrzeit
Sawyer,
No matter what calendar I look at or how I calculate it you have now been gone for 5 years. According to the secular/American calendar Friday was your deathiversary. The Jewish calendar says that tonight starts your yahrzeit.
I have run out of calendars and calculations that allow me to avoid the 5th anniversary of your death. Over the years I have tried to outrun my feelings by being ridiculously busy. I have tried going away and staying home. It does not make a difference, no matter where I am or how busy I might be you are always with me. And so are my feelings. . .
I am in disbelief that you are dead and that it has been 5 years since we last held you. I am angry that you are not here with us. I am frustrated that we may never know the cause of your death. I am heartbroken that your father and I can no longer take care of you and watch you grow up with your older brother and sister.
I love you and miss you.
getting through the days
December 22, 2014 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 2 CommentsTags: dark days, death of a baby, Hanukkah, holidays, life after loss, Maccabeats, new not so normal, six13, smile, thoughts
Holidays are here and the anniversary of Sawyer’s death is this week no matter how much I will it not to happen. I cannot change the fact that he is dead. I want to share a few videos that are helping me get through the days (sometimes even with a smile).
P.S. Neis means miracle.
One of my thoughtful sister in-laws sent me this one last week. You may have seen it already but I wanted to share just in case you missed it. . .
I hope these make you smile too.
Thankful 2014
December 4, 2014 at 11:44 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 2 CommentsTags: hope, life after loss, thankful, Thanksgiving
I know Thanksgiving was last week but. . .
Hope that you all had a very happy Thanksgiving!
Five
November 16, 2014 at 10:54 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, gratitude, grief, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer
Dear Sawyer,
Tomorrow would/should be your 5th birthday. Five years ago tonight we were all anxiously waiting to meet you. Your Nanny and Pop came to take care of your big brother and sister while your daddy and I went to the hospital.
I still cannot believe that you are not here with us. Some mornings I wake up and hope that it all has just been a horrific nightmare. However, you are gone and this is our reality. You are forever frozen at 6 weeks old. There are no new pictures to post. I know that I am so lucky to have the ones that we did take. I just wish there were more.
I miss you so much. Happy birthday sweet Sawyer! As always, I will look for you in my dreams.
Goats
October 26, 2014 at 9:36 pm | Posted in Love, twins | 6 CommentsTags: goats4hire, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, smile, thoughts
I was trying to write this for a fun Friday post but I seemed to have missed it by a few days. I wanted to share a few of the things that have been making me smile recently. Please meet Darth Vadar:
“Luke, I am your GOAT. Adopt me and together we will rule the galaxy.”
And, Sable:
“What is a fine goat like me doing in a herd like this you might ask? I might ask that too – my coat is more beautiful than the finest sable in the world, bar none.”
These are just 2 of the goats who have been clearing the land for a new park near our house. When driving or walking through the neighborhood it has been fun watching these goats.
Evan and one of the twins even got interviewed about the park by the local NPR station. Click here if you would like to listen to the interview. (They did not get our names entirely correct but it is us.)
Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.
A Mourning Mom 