Yesterday
November 18, 2011 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, NICU, silver lining | 3 CommentsTags: gratitude, grief, hope, March of Dimes, new not so normal, premature birth
Sometimes I get so caught up in my own story that I miss the rest of the bigger story of the world out there. Yesterday was Sawyer’s birthday. It was also World Prematurity Day. Thank you to Evan for telling me in the first place and to Jessica for reminding me.
November is also Prematurity Awareness Month. Did you know that in the U.S., 1 in 8 babies is born prematurely and worldwide 13 million babies are born too soon each year (statistics from the March of Dimes)? 3 of our 4 children were born premature. So many of my friends’ children spent time in the NICU. If you would like to please comment with who you know who was/is in the NICU.
Another thing happening in the world yesterday was that EC Stilson released her book “The Golden Sky.” She wrote about the life and death of her son Zeke. His birthday would have been today. In honor of Zeke and her book EC had a blogfest. She graciously asked me to participate. I confess that I tried but could not figure out how to post the button.
Today I still have my story but I am also joining the rest of the bigger world’s story. Hopefully, one day I too will find that “after every storm, there is a golden sky” (EC Stilson).
Sweet Sawyer
November 17, 2011 at 7:48 am | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, silver lining, Time | 24 CommentsTags: child loss, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, SUIDS, unexplainable
Sawyer
Dear Sawyer,
No matter what I do the days keep going by me. Today you would have been 2! It is so hard for me to believe that you would no longer be a baby. I close my eyes and try so hard to imagine you as a toddler. I only see your big baby eyes staring at me. I wish I could see you grow up. I cannot even put into words how much I want to hold you, hug you and sing happy birthday to you.
We will sing. Your birthday and you will not be forgotten. Not today, not ever. Your daddy and I will go to the cemetery. Your big sister and (one of) your big brother(s) will sing to you too. Maybe we will buy some balloons or a cupcake.
I will try to keep myself really busy. I know you already know this but ever since you died (maybe even since Jake died) I have to be very busy. It is like I am afraid that if I have too much time to think about it my brain will finally realize that you are gone. And you are not coming back.
I have so many things that I want to ask you:
Where are you?
Are you ok?
Do you know how much you are loved and missed?
Will I ever get a chance to hold you again?
There will be no answers. I will not see you grow up. I will be forever thankful that you chose us to be your parents. I cherish the nearly 6 weeks we were lucky to spend with you. I will always look for ways to carry on your purpose in this life. I will celebrate your bittersweet 2nd birthday. And as always, I will look for you in my dreams.
Sweet Sawyer, I love you and miss you. Happy Birthday baby boy!
How are you? (part 2)
November 14, 2011 at 10:28 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining | 10 CommentsTags: child loss, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, yoga
This question has got to be one of the most common greetings. I wrote my first post about it. People really just want you to say all is well and move on. I used to be able to do that. I would even ask the question myself. After Jake died, I could not any longer. It felt like a lie to say, “I am fine, how about you?” I have tried all kinds of tactics to avoid answering this question. I quickly ask the other person how they are and never answer at all. I say things like, “I am hanging in here.” Or, “Just taking it all day by day.”
I know that I am not in the dark valleys of grief all the time. Jake and Sawyer did die. I am always sad about their deaths. I do try to still live. However, I never truly feel fine. Until this weekend. In my yoga class the instructor said, “How are you?” And then he followed up with, “We are all fine, aren’t we?” And then he defined fine for me:
F*!*!D UP INSECURE NEUROTIC EMOTIONAL
I can now honestly answer, “I am fine thanks, how are you?”
Namaste.
Trick or Treat & Too Tired
November 2, 2011 at 11:50 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, silver lining, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, happy, life after loss, parenthood
It was a game day decision for the twins. They decided over a month before Halloween that they were going to be a rocket and a unicorn. This decision was prompted by the fact that I could not get them to leave Target without these costumes. I was too tired that day to fight with them. I am often tired. I am sure that most, if not all parents are sleep deprived to some extent. I know exhaustion is linked to depression. In my alternate universe where Jake and Sawyer did not die would I be so tired?
I took the easy way out. I opted to avoid a double meltdown and bought the costumes.
As I expected they changed their minds quite a few times before the big day.
The Viking and the Dress Up with the Umbrella were ruled out because they belong to our good friends who live in Colorado.
The crazy hair was ruled out because I cannot recreate that or anything closely resembling that hair do.
The others each were vetoed for some other reason. And, we ended up back at the rocket and the unicorn. (Just in case you are wondering, that is pumpkin bowling in the last picture).
The extremely tired Cat in the Hat rallied for Halloween long enough to follow the rocket and the unicorn to a few houses for trick or treating. Then the rocket offered to go home and help pass out candy. Overall, it was a successful night. No major meltdowns and no one turned into a pumpkin.
Humpty Dumpty & Hope
October 28, 2011 at 11:18 am | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, hope, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, Terbutaline, trisomy 21, twins, unexplainable
In 2009 on the week before Halloween I went into labor with Sawyer. Evan and I went to the ER. It turned out to be preterm labor. I was given terbutaline and sent home. I took terbutaline for the 3 weeks before I was scheduled for my c-section. Terbutaline made me feel like I had 47 cups of coffee and I wanted to jump out of my skin. It is no longer given to women for preterm labor. My mind wants to make some sort of connection between Sawyer’s death and me taking the terbutaline but I am determined to (try to) keep my no guilt promise.
When I went into preterm labor I was around 34 weeks pregnant. In my mind that was great. Jake had been born at 26 weeks and he had died. After Jake’s diagnosis and death I became a new person. Growing up I always believed in happily ever after. Everything would be ok. In 2005 my innocence was shattered. However, I somehow lived through that awful year.
The new me rationalized that if I could just make it into the 30 week range in any future pregnancies Jake’s siblings would be fine. (The new me also was silly enough to believe that becoming pregnant would not be an issue – the infertility rollercoaster instantly cured me of that delusion).
The twins were born at 35 weeks. Sawyer was born at 37 1/2 weeks. Sawyer was 8 lbs at birth. Jake was 2 lbs. My new self thought that once Sawyer was home we were in the clear. Six short weeks after Sawyer came home my “new” world was once again devastated. I am still piecing myself back together. I might be working on this for the rest of my life. Maybe I will be like Humpty Dumpty and “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men” won’t be able to put me back together again.
However, I have my own little people with horses and they are excellent with glue.
A Band & A Baby
October 18, 2011 at 8:10 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 3 CommentsTags: child loss, motherhood, tragedy, twins
I joined a band. Not the musical kind of band but a different kind. The mission of Band Back Together is below or click on the link to read more about it:
Our Mission
Band Back Together is a group weblog that provides educational resources as well as a safe, moderated, supportive environment to share stories of survival. Through the power of real stories written by real people, we can work together to destigmatize mental illness, abuse, rape, baby loss and other traumas so that we may learn, grow, and heal.
All are welcome.
Not sure what I am doing in the band but I will figure it out. . . .
I also wanted to welcome my new nephew, Ethan, to the world! I cannot wait to meet him. And introduce him to his big cousins.
Life & Light
October 15, 2011 at 11:18 am | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 3 CommentsTags: death, grandparents, grief, hope, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, unexplainable
“Instead of cursing the darkness, light a candle”
– – Benjamin Franklin
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. It is a day to promote and support the education and awareness for grieving parents. Today and every day I miss Jake and Sawyer but tonight at 7 pm we will light candles. This year I will once again hope that the light from all the candles will make the darkness of the unknown a little brighter.
As we honor and remember the short lives of Jake and Sawyer today. I would also like to honor the long life of Evan’s wonderful and amazing grandfather (aka GGP), Si Picker (if you click on the link skip down to the section titled “Naked with Brad Pitt”). If you do not click on the link I will give you the cliff notes version. Si Picker around the age of 60 became an actor. One of the films that he was in was called Johnny Suede with a very young Brad Pitt. Pitt was having a dream sequence in which GGP was sitting naked on a bar stool.
I know that death is part of life. GGP’s death is the natural order life – it is still so sad.
“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death
from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people
from love. It can’t take away our memories either.
In the end, life is stronger than death.”
– – Anonymous
Burritos, Buddha & Baggage
September 30, 2011 at 11:20 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 7 CommentsTags: Buddha, death, grandparents, gratitude, grief, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, siblings, twins, unexplainable, yoga
I have been trying to move past the fact that there may never be an answer to what caused Sawyer’s death. It is hard to let go. A moral from one of the twins’ books has been helping me with this process. The twins’ great grandparents recently gave them a book call Zen Shorts by Jon J. Muth. Have you ever heard the Buddhist tale about the Monk with the Heavy Load?
One day two traveling monks reached a town and saw a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. There were deep, muddy puddles and she couldn’t step across without getting mud on her silk robes. She impatiently scolded her attendants, who were carrying heavy packages.
The younger monk walked by the young woman without speaking. But the older monk stopped and picked her up on his back, carrying her across the mud. Not only did she not thank the monk, she shoved him out of her way when he put her down and scurried by him.
As the two monks continued on their way, the younger monk was brooding. After a long time, he finally spoke out. “That woman was so rude but you picked her up and carried her! She didn’t even thank you.”
“I set the woman down hours ago,” the older monk responded. “Why are you still carrying her?”
Letting go does not mean forgetting Sawyer or Jake. It means moving forward. It will not always be a straight path. Luckily, I have some little monks with me on this journey. Here they are in burrito pose (or more commonly known as shavasana):
Namaste.
Handprints & Hope
September 24, 2011 at 11:58 pm | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 3 CommentsTags: grief, hope, life after loss, unexplainable
Thank you all for the kind comments. I appreciate them more than I can express in words. As I have done in the past, I keep reusing the word hope. Maybe if I write it enough times I will have more of it.
When I write I describe my life without Jake and Sawyer. They are never far from my thoughts but I do live my life. Some of the time I am acting and some of the time I am happy, sad, angry and all the other emotions that life throws at us all. I am trying to live. I would do anything for a life with all 4 of our children but I do not have that option. So, I will just do my best.
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
– – “For Good” Lyrics from Wicked
Numbers
September 2, 2011 at 8:20 pm | Posted in mourning, silver lining | 5 CommentsTags: life after loss, unexplainable
Somewhere along the path of life I started to pay attention to numbers and dates. I believe that part of my interest is because I am searching for answers to unresolved questions. I want there to be explanations where there are none. Why did Jake and Sawyer die? There are no answers or explanations that I can understand.
Jake was born 14 weeks early. He was born on the 14th. He weighed 2 lbs, 14 oz. He was 14 inches long. Jake died at 6:14 am. The number 14 seemed to be such a predominant theme in his short life I was sure that it held some answers. Some one once told me that it is not the number 14 but the sum of 1 and 4, or 5. So far I have not figured out anything based on the number 14 or 5.
The twins’ original due date was the day that Jake died. Of course, they did not make it to that due date but instead they were born on the 28th. It seemed like the right day because 2 x 14 = 28. I know these are all most likely just happenstance.
My most recent numerical coincidence is from my last post, 99!!. I wrote to just wish my grandfather a happy 99th birthday. Oddly, it was my 99th post. So this is my 100th post!
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