How are you? (part 2)

November 14, 2011 at 10:28 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining | 10 Comments
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This question has got to be one of the most common greetings.  I wrote my first post about it.  People really just want you to say all is well and move on.  I used to be able to do that.  I would even ask the question myself.  After Jake died, I could not any longer.  It felt like a lie to say, “I am fine, how about you?”  I have tried all kinds of tactics to avoid answering this question.  I quickly ask the other person how they are and never answer at all.  I say things like, “I am hanging in here.”  Or, “Just taking it all day by day.”

I know that I am not in the dark valleys of grief all the time.  Jake and Sawyer did die.  I am always sad about their deaths.  I do try to still live.  However, I never truly feel fine.  Until this weekend.  In my yoga class the instructor said, “How are you?”  And then he followed up with, “We are all fine, aren’t we?”  And then he defined fine for me:


I can now honestly answer, “I am fine thanks, how are you?”


Burritos, Buddha & Baggage

September 30, 2011 at 11:20 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 7 Comments
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I have been trying to move past the fact that there may never be an answer to what caused Sawyer’s death.  It is hard to let go.  A moral from one of the twins’ books has been helping me with this process.  The twins’ great grandparents recently gave them a book call Zen Shorts by Jon J. Muth.  Have you ever heard the Buddhist tale about the Monk with the Heavy Load?

One day two traveling monks reached a town and saw a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. There were deep, muddy puddles and she couldn’t step across without getting mud on her silk robes. She impatiently scolded her attendants, who were carrying heavy packages.

The younger monk walked by the young woman without speaking. But the older monk stopped and picked her up on his back, carrying her across the mud. Not only did she not thank the monk, she shoved him out of her way when he put her down and scurried by him.

As the two monks continued on their way, the younger monk was brooding. After a long time, he finally spoke out. “That woman was so rude but you picked her up and carried her! She didn’t even thank you.”

“I set the woman down hours ago,” the older monk responded. “Why are you still carrying her?”

Letting go does not mean forgetting Sawyer or Jake.  It means moving forward.  It will not always be a straight path.  Luckily, I have some little monks with me on this journey.  Here they are in burrito pose (or more commonly known as shavasana):


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