Worldwide Candle Lighting
December 8, 2013 at 4:14 pm | Posted in Grief | Leave a commentTags: Candle Lighting, Compassionate Friends
The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor the memories of the sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, and grandchildren who left too soon. As candles are lit at 7:00 p.m. local time, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memory of all children gone too soon.
Somehow I have once again lost track of the days. Thanks so much, Candi for thinking of Jake and Sawyer and reminding me of the date!
Another Thank You
November 30, 2013 at 6:58 pm | Posted in Grief | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, gratitude, new not so normal, thoughts, unexplainable
Thank you to the cemetery people for fixing Jake and Sawyer’s headstone markers. I never did make the call to let them know that the markers were shifting again but when I went to the cemetery the other day this is what I saw:
New headstones. New bolts. No more moving markers. The stones are even placed exactly how their sister carefully arranged them on Sawyer’s last birthday. One less thing to worry about. Thank you.
Thanksgivukkah
November 26, 2013 at 10:10 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 3 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, gratitude, Hanukkah, holidays, Jewish customs, life after loss, new not so normal, thankful, Thanksgiving, Thanksgivukkah, thoughts
This year the 1st day of Hanukkah and Thanksgiving fall on the same day. Apparently, this only happens once every 79,000 years or something. So, I am thankful it is happening during my lifetime. As I have mentioned before, since Jake and then Sawyer have died the holidays can be difficult. So, by combining 2 of them maybe this year will be easier.
I am so very thankful for family and friends who have stood by us during the best and worst of times of our lives. I am certain that I would not be able to get through this journey alone. I will continue to always be very thankful for the time that we did have with Jake and Sawyer. I try not to dwell on the Hanukkahs and Thanksgivings that we did not have and will never have with them. Some days are just harder than others.
Happy Hanukkah! Happy Thanksgiving! And, Happy Thanksgivukkah to those of you celebrating both!
The unbirthday
November 20, 2013 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 7 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, new not so normal, perspective, siblings
There are many ways to celebrate a deceased loved one’s birthday. This year on Sawyer’s birthday I ran in a race in the morning. One of my close friends suggested the idea. I did not realize at the time that it was a 4 mile race benefiting Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta. So, it was a 4 mile race on Sawyer’s 4th birthday benefiting the hospital where he died. Seems appropriate, doesn’t it?
After the race we went to lunch with the twins. We had pie. Not birthday cake. The little girl at the table next to us asked me if we were having dessert because it was someone’s birthday. I said, “Yes, but the birthday boy is not here.”
Next we went to the cemetery where Sawyer’s sister decorated and sang happy birthday. It started to rain. I was thankful that the raindrops hid my tears.
Evan was a bit cranky which is more than understandable when you should be celebrating with your 4-year-old son but instead you are going to the cemetery.
Evan holding Sawyer
My broken heart was glad when the day was finally done (even though I know my arms will ache to hold Sawyer just as much tomorrow).
Tomorrow
November 16, 2013 at 10:40 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 8 CommentsTags: #WorldPrematurityDay, baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, hope, March of Dimes, new not so normal, perspective, premature birth
The March of Dimes along with other parent groups and organizations in countries around the world dedicate tomorrow to raise awareness about premature birth and how it can be prevented. It is World Prematurity day. Hopefully, awareness and support will lead to more healthy babies. No family should have to live in a world without their child/children.
Tomorrow is also the would be/should be/never will be 4th birthday of our sweet Sawyer. While he was not premature, there are still no words to describe how much my arms ache to hold this little boy. . .
Sweet Sawyer (& Spam)
November 14, 2013 at 9:18 am | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, thoughts
Last week Evan sent me a very wise email with the subject line “Charlie Brown knows. . .”
If only we could . . .
Miss you so very much Mr. Sawyer. Love you always.
P.S. So sorry if you recently received spam from me again. I have changed my password and hopefully I should be spam free now.
Sunshine
November 6, 2013 at 9:32 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 6 CommentsTags: blogs, child loss, gratitude, hope, new not so normal, Sunshine award
Thank you so much to My Hope Jar and Hang your Hopes from Trees for nominating me for a Sunshine award. After looking into more information about the award it is a virtual way to connect bloggers who are writing about the same things and want to acknowledge each other. I am honored and pleased that they (or anyone) finds my blog helpful and inspiring.
The Sunshine Award is also kind of like a chain letter with rules and everything. I am not a chain letter person but there is something about spreading sunshine that I could not ignore. There is so much darkness in the world. We can all use some more sunshine. So, here it goes.
Rules of the Sunshine Award:
- Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post.
- Link the blogger who nominated you.
- Answer 10 questions about yourself.
- Nominate 10 other bloggers to receive the award.
- Link to your nominees and let them know you nominated them.
Questions about Me:
- Why do you blog? I am hoping that I can help others get through their difficult journeys. I want Jake and Sawyer to be remembered. I want to carry on their purpose in life (whatever that purpose might be)
- What is your favorite movie? Princess Bride
- What is your favorite food? Kale
- What is your favorite thing or memory about your spouse? He proposed at an ice cream store and had a flavor of ice cream named after me. When he asked me to marry him he was so nervous he got down on both knees instead of just one
- What do you do to relieve stress? Running, yoga (exercise in general)
- Who or what inspires you? All 4 of my children
- What is your biggest fear? Outliving all of my children
- What is your biggest dream? Happiness
- What is your best piece of advice? Sometimes there is not a happily ever after or a perfect ending. Gilda Radner said it much better than I ever could . . . “Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it. . .” – Gilda Radner
- What are you most proud of? My children
**(I answered the questions from My Hope Jar because it was the first nomination)
My Nominees
- My Hope Jar
- Hang Your Hope from Trees
- It’s Dilovely
- Chasing Rainbows
- Four Plus an Angel
- Still Life with Circles
- Living Without My Twin Sister
- The Spohrs are Multiplying
- Rockstar Ronan
- Carly Marie Project Heal
My Questions
- Why do you blog?
- What is your favorite movie?
- What is your favorite food?
- What is one of your favorite quotes?
- What do you do to relieve stress?
- Who or what inspires you?
- What is your biggest fear?
- What is your biggest dream?
- What is your best piece of advice?
- What are you most proud of?
Thank you again to My Hope Jar and Hang your Hopes from Trees for sending sunshine my way. I truly appreciate it.
Strong?
November 4, 2013 at 10:44 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, grief, life after loss, new not so normal, thoughts
Dear Sawyer,
It is me, your mom. It is almost your birthday. And again, there will be no party. You are still gone. We have made it through 3 other birthdays without you. I know that we will make it through this one too. Thanks to your older brother, Jake, I know that we can make it through a 4th birthday without the birthday boy. In fact, I can make it through every day with out you both. I just do not want to. . .
I miss you. I love you forever.
Bereavement Training
October 24, 2013 at 10:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, NICU, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: baby loss, bereavement training, child loss, compassion, death of a baby, gratitude, kindness, life after loss, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
Today I, along with several other parents, spoke to a group of nurses as part of their bereavement training. This is the second parent panel I have been a part of in the last few months and I have participated in several others over the years. At times, I find talking about Jake and Sawyer cathartic. I am always hopeful that sharing our story can somehow help others. After each of these panels I have come away with lists of suggestions for nurses and tips for NICU parents.
There is a common theme in all the stories. All bereaved parents want their child/children to be remembered. There will not be the lifetime of memories that hopefully other children will have. The stay in the hospital and every aspect of it is very often all the parents have. The doctors and nurses are big parts of these memories. The kindness and compassion of the medical professionals is so important. I am thankful that bereavement training exists.
No matter how small the baby is or how long the baby lived, parents want their baby treated like every other baby. They want to be treated like every other parent. One mom said she just felt like she was in the middle of a really bad Lifetime movie. We are all hoping that we can change the channel or wake up from the nightmare of outliving our child/children. Unfortunately, this is our reality. Thank you to all those who help us along our way.
Shifting
October 22, 2013 at 8:46 am | Posted in Grief | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, Sawyer, thoughts
Awhile back I mentioned that Jake and Sawyer’s nameplates, which are part of the headstones, have shifted. The bolts had become loose and then inexplicably disappeared but they were repaired. However, the cemetery grounds people explained that because these are not the original bolts they might not hold. I have been watching them shift again over the last few weeks. I really still cannot understand how it is possible so I brought Evan to confirm.
He took one look and verified that yes, the nameplates (mostly Jake’s) have shifted again. He did offer up the explanation that perhaps Jake and Sawyer are just like any other children giving their parents something to worry about. I sort of like this idea. It goes along with the theory that my very sweet cousin pointed out Jake and Sawyer are just being boys playing together and being mischievous. They could just be playing Halloween tricks.
We are going to call the cemetery to have the process started to replace the nameplates. This is still odd and not okay but we can get it fixed. I have to keep it in perspective. Jake and Sawyer are not in danger. Nothing can harm them anymore. This we can do something about.
Of course, all of this reminds me there are so many hard and heartbreaking events in life that we cannot control. Illness, accidents, disasters, bad things happening to good people. These things all happen, and seem to happen far too often. They will continue to happen too (though I feel like we have had more than our fair share lately). But a break would be nice. And fixing things that we can control helps, at least a little.
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A Mourning Mom 