March of Dimes’ March for Babies
May 12, 2015 at 10:15 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 4 CommentsTags: death of a baby, gratitude, hope, March of Dimes, new not so normal, premature birth, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
Last weekend we walked and remembered Jake, Sawyer and all the other babies who were not there to march with us. In the 1950’s the March of Dimes helped to fund the cure for polio – which led to the effective end of the disease. Who knows maybe some day there will be similar medical breakthroughs that will help to end infant mortality and there will be less flowers in the memorial garden.
Thank you so much for again supporting our team this year and in past years. We appreciate all of your amazing kindness and generosity.
Still Marching
May 6, 2015 at 10:16 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, Love | 1 CommentTags: baby loss, death of a child, hope, life after loss, love, March of Dimes, mother's day, new not so normal, Northside Hospital, premature birth, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
This weekend our family is walking in the March of Dimes’ “March for Babies” just like we have in years past. Originally our team was named Jake’s Journey. After Sawyer died we renamed it to Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides. This year the walk is on Mother’s Day weekend. Although I wish we were walking with all of our children, I think this is as close of a perfect way to honor all 4 as possible.
The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality. I believe that the March of Dimes is making a difference and saving babies.
I cannot do anything to bring back Jake or Sawyer but maybe, just maybe, I can help spare other parents the heartbreak of having to live in this world without their child/children.
Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the Northside Hospital for matching funds. We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. Please consider supporting Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides and click here.
Fine Tuning
April 28, 2015 at 10:35 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 5 CommentsTags: death of a baby, new not so normal, perspective, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, thoughts
The other day was kindergarten round-up (the “orientation” for rising kindergarteners). Sawyer would be have been 5 in November and he should have been there that day getting a tour of the school he should be starting next school year.
I know that I am not supposed to grow him up in my mind but sometimes I find myself wondering anyway.
My therapist suggested that I slightly adjusting my thinking – kind of like those radio dials we used to turn until the station came in more clearly. For example, one of the twins goes to a doctor in the medical building attached to the hospital where Sawyer died. One day Evan was going instead of me. He had not been there yet so he asked me to clarify which building. There are a lot of medical buildings in that area so I tried my best to explain but was not making any progress. Finally, I said “remember the turn around where we waited the night Sawyer died?” He got it – and knew exactly where to go for the appointment.
If I adjust this conversation slightly in the future instead of giving directions that involve “where we waited the night Sawyer died” I can say “where we park for the doctor.”
This August Sawyer would have started kindergarten (it would have been Jake’s 10th birthday and the 10th anniversary of his death but I am not going to think about that today). Last week was kindergarten round-up. Sawyer was not there. He will not be there on the first day of school. I am trying to adjust my thinking but I am still working on the fine tuning.
i hope someone finds a cure for cancer
March 2, 2015 at 9:51 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life after loss, Love | 9 CommentsTags: cancer, dark days, death, family, life after loss, new not so normal, Sad, thoughts
Not too long after Sawyer died, the spouses of 2 of my cousins were diagnosed with cancer. One lost her battle 2 years ago and the other lost her battle this past weekend. Having lived through Jake and Sawyer’s deaths, you would think handling death would somehow be easier (or at least not so damn hard). I feel like I should have some wise words – or some magic way to protect others from living without their loved ones. I am just not sure such magic exists. Rationally, I know that death is part of life and that we will all die at some point but dealing with it is not easy. Maybe it is not supposed to be easy. If it were easy than it would mean we did not care for or love the person.
The cousin’s wife who died recently was only in her forties and they have young children. It is not fair that their children have to grow up without their mother. I know, no one ever promised that life would be fair – but I wish it could be (even if only for a little while).
getting through the days
December 22, 2014 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 2 CommentsTags: dark days, death of a baby, Hanukkah, holidays, life after loss, Maccabeats, new not so normal, six13, smile, thoughts
Holidays are here and the anniversary of Sawyer’s death is this week no matter how much I will it not to happen. I cannot change the fact that he is dead. I want to share a few videos that are helping me get through the days (sometimes even with a smile).
P.S. Neis means miracle.
One of my thoughtful sister in-laws sent me this one last week. You may have seen it already but I wanted to share just in case you missed it. . .
I hope these make you smile too.
Holiday Hope
December 16, 2014 at 9:36 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 4 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, help, holidays, hope, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
I am not always strong enough to get through the hard days by myself – especially during the holidays. I look to others to see what they do during these happy/sad celebrations without their child/children.
One of my friends always includes her “angel” on their family holiday card. Their daughter, like Sawyer, died during this festive season. It is so bittersweet to read her name on the card but it always reminds me that I am not alone.
Another friend, has created a family tradition to bring unwrapped holiday gifts to all in-patient oncology kids who are in the hospital where her daughter spent her last Thanksgiving and Christmas.
A few years ago one mom was looking at outgrown Christmas dresses and thinking of her little girl who never got to wear them at all. She decided to create a Holiday Clothing Drive. She asks people to donate gently used holiday clothes to others in need.
I know that there will be other dark days but I will try to continue to search for hope.
December 14
December 12, 2014 at 2:22 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life after loss, Love | 3 CommentsTags: anniversaries, Compassionate Friends, Newtown, Sandy Hook Promise
This Sunday, December 14th, is the 2nd year anniversary of the unthinkable day at Sandy Hook elementary school. Twenty children and 6 educators were shot and killed.
This Sunday is also the Worldwide Candle Lighting created by The Compassionate Friends. The purpose of the event is to unite “family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause.”
At 7 pm around the globe candles will be lit to create “a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone.” The Compassionate Friends is an organization which was formed to support families after a child has died. Its founder, Simon Stephens, states the mission is “about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope.”
Thankful 2014
December 4, 2014 at 11:44 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 2 CommentsTags: hope, life after loss, thankful, Thanksgiving
I know Thanksgiving was last week but. . .
Hope that you all had a very happy Thanksgiving!
Faith?
November 10, 2014 at 11:40 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 7 CommentsTags: death of a baby, grief, hope, Jake, Jewish customs, new not so normal, Sawyer, unexplainable
After Sawyer died a rabbi spoke to me and Evan. Evan told him that he was very angry. The rabbi told Evan to go ahead and be angry at G-d, ” because if anyone can handle it, He can.” This made sense to me.
The rabbi went on to tell us a story that did not make too much sense to me at the time. He told us about a rabbi and his wife who were walking back from their son’s funeral. The wife asked her husband, “what now, what do we live for?” The husband answered that we live for our living children and to carry on the memory of our son. Tragically, the next child of this couple dies. And once again, walking back from the funeral the wife asks her husband, “what now, what do we live for?” The husband gives the same answer, “we live for our living children and to carry on the memories of our sons.”
The story goes on until the couple has walked back from the funerals of all their children. The wife once more asks, “what now, what do we live for?” The husband says we are to carry on the memories of our children and we are reminders to everyone else in the village to be thankful for what they have.
My initial response to this story was, “why us? Why do Evan and I have to be the reminders? Why can’t we just have Sawyer back?” Over the years my thoughts about this story have changed. I know that we cannot have Sawyer back. I know that we will always carry on Jake and Sawyer’s memory. Evan and I did not choose this journey but here we are – and I may never truly understand why. I do know Jake and Sawyer do remind us to hug the twins a little tighter and to appreciate what we do have.
“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.” Mother Teresa
Pathology is No Place for Politics: Update
November 6, 2014 at 11:14 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | Leave a commentTags: death of a baby, fetal harm cases, pathology, Rennie Gibbs, thoughts, unexplainable
In the spring I wrote a post about a Mississippi woman who was accused of murdering her stillborn baby. Rennie Gibbs was 16 years old and 36 weeks pregnant when she was admitted to an area emergency room. Her baby was diagnosed with “fetal demise” – the umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck. Doctors induced labor and Gibbs delivered a stillborn daughter she named Samiya.
Gibbs’ case is part of a wave of “fetal harm” cases in which women are prosecuted when their babies are stillborn or otherwise die and traces of drugs are found in their system. In this case, medical facts establish the cord as the cause of death. Medical professionals, including Sawyer’s pathologist, determined that it is impossible to conclude that drug use on the part of the mother caused stillbirth.
The charges have been dropped against Rennie. Thank you to Chris for commenting on my past post with the update. Every mom feels guilt when their child dies – even without being charged with murder. I am so glad that the judge in Mississippi dismissed the charges. He ruled that the “law was unclear in Mississippi as to the appropriate charge, if any, to be levied when a pregnant woman allegedly consumed illegal drugs and allegedly caused the death of her unborn child.”
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