The Club

November 28, 2011 at 9:06 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, parents | 12 Comments
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There is a club that Evan and I have joined.  Not many people talk about it although many have written about it.  There are no dues for this club – at least not monetary ones.  I have no idea how large the club is in numbers.  There are no rules.  No board members.  Unlike most clubs no one actually wants to join this one.

It is a club whose only members are parents who have outlived their children.

Evan and I first joined in 2005 when Jake died.  There are acronyms like “BLM” (baby loss mother) and “BLF” (baby loss father) that I now find to be very common terms.  Membership in this club has taught me that there are no rules to living when your child has died.  You have to do whatever it takes to get you through the day and to survive.  The tools that I used to rely on to live no longer always help me.

I realize now that this club is made up of parents from every religion, class and country.  There is a good chance that some of your neighbors belong to this club.  I thought we already had a lifetime membership but our places in the club were once again secured when Sawyer died.

“Do not judge bereaved parents.
They come in many forms.
They are breathing, but they are dying.
They may look young, but inside they have become ancient.

They smile, but their hearts sob.
They walk, they talk, they cook, they clean, they work,
they are, but they ARE NOT, all at once.
They are here, but part of them is elsewhere for eternity.”
                                                                                                –Author Unknown

Thankful

November 24, 2011 at 10:58 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, parents, twins | 12 Comments
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I looked back at my post from last Thanksgiving.  In some ways I have come a long way.  In other ways not so much.  I wanted to cancel the entire holiday season last year.  It was the holiday season where Sawyer should have been turning 1.  I could not understand how everyone was just going along being happy and celebrating.  I felt the same way the holiday season after Jake died.  I avoided any and all holiday parties.  I could not pretend to go through the motions.   I desperately wanted to scream, cry and run to some place where Jake and Sawyer were with me.

No matter what I do the world keeps on going without Jake and without Sawyer.  This year Evan and I tried to return to our holiday plan from years past.  The first years of our marriage we tried to see all 3 sets of our parents.   We even forced ourselves to go the year that Jake died.  The next year we had to stay in town because we had gotten onto the infertility rollercoaster.  

We did somehow manage to get ourselves back on the visiting all 3 sets of family schedule once the twins were born.  I am still not quite sure how we pulled that off with 3 month old twins.  In 2009 Sawyer was born the third week of November.  We came home from the hospital the week of Thanksgiving.  Needless to say we stayed home that year.  

I have a brilliant friend who came up with the fantastic plan to celebrate Thanksgiving early with her family.  No travel, no stress.  We have not found that happy Thanksgiving place yet.   Maybe we never will.  We will keep trying.  I will continue to be so very thankful for our families and friends and to hold on tight to what I can.  Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Sweet Sawyer

November 17, 2011 at 7:48 am | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, silver lining, Time | 24 Comments
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Sawyer

Dear Sawyer,
No matter what I do the days keep going by me. Today you would have been 2! It is so hard for me to believe that you would no longer be a baby. I close my eyes and try so hard to imagine you as a toddler. I only see your big baby eyes staring at me. I wish I could see you grow up. I cannot even put into words how much I want to hold you, hug you and sing happy birthday to you.

We will sing. Your birthday and you will not be forgotten. Not today, not ever. Your daddy and I will go to the cemetery. Your big sister and (one of) your big brother(s) will sing to you too. Maybe we will buy some balloons or a cupcake.

I will try to keep myself really busy. I know you already know this but ever since you died (maybe even since Jake died) I have to be very busy. It is like I am afraid that if I have too much time to think about it my brain will finally realize that you are gone. And you are not coming back.

I have so many things that I want to ask you:

Where are you?
Are you ok?
Do you know how much you are loved and missed?
Will I ever get a chance to hold you again?

There will be no answers. I will not see you grow up. I will be forever thankful that you chose us to be your parents. I cherish the nearly 6 weeks we were lucky to spend with you. I will always look for ways to carry on your purpose in this life. I will celebrate your bittersweet 2nd birthday. And as always, I will look for you in my dreams.

Sweet Sawyer, I love you and miss you. Happy Birthday baby boy!

How are you? (part 2)

November 14, 2011 at 10:28 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining | 10 Comments
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This question has got to be one of the most common greetings.  I wrote my first post about it.  People really just want you to say all is well and move on.  I used to be able to do that.  I would even ask the question myself.  After Jake died, I could not any longer.  It felt like a lie to say, “I am fine, how about you?”  I have tried all kinds of tactics to avoid answering this question.  I quickly ask the other person how they are and never answer at all.  I say things like, “I am hanging in here.”  Or, “Just taking it all day by day.”

I know that I am not in the dark valleys of grief all the time.  Jake and Sawyer did die.  I am always sad about their deaths.  I do try to still live.  However, I never truly feel fine.  Until this weekend.  In my yoga class the instructor said, “How are you?”  And then he followed up with, “We are all fine, aren’t we?”  And then he defined fine for me:

F*!*!D UP   INSECURE   NEUROTIC   EMOTIONAL

I can now honestly answer, “I am fine thanks, how are you?”

Namaste.

Dear Sawyer

November 4, 2011 at 12:10 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning | 7 Comments
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Dear Sawyer,
It is difficult for me to believe but in 2 weeks you would have been 2 years old.  We should be planning your birthday party.  The invitations should have been sent.  I should be running last-minute errands to Party City and Michaels. Instead your dad and I are trying to finalize your headstone.  It is mostly your dad.  I am not so good with the headstones.  It should be finalized soon.  I saw Maureen from the cemetery the other day.  I asked her to call me before they put your stone in the ground.  I know it has been ordered and it will arrive one day soon.  I am going to try to prepare myself.  I am going to be extra strong so that I do not lose it when I see your name in stone.  It is just so permanent. 

Your daddy and I are also figuring out your unveiling.  I wish more than anything we were discussing how many cupcakes to order for your birthday party.  People have told me that we do not have to have an unveiling.  I know.  When your child dies there are very few rules you have to follow. But, in my heart it feels wrong not to do anything (not nearly as wrong as you dying).   We will figure it out.  Sometimes it is just so hard. We have to move forward.  We have to breathe.  We have to live in a world without you and your brother. 

I miss you so much sweet Sawyer.  Where are you?  Wherever you are please know how much your mommy loves you.  I like to think that you are playing with Jake.  Mom Mom and Grandmother are taking care of you.   I love you baby boy, I will see you in my dreams.  

Love always,
Mommy

Humpty Dumpty & Hope

October 28, 2011 at 11:18 am | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 6 Comments
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In 2009 on the week before Halloween I went into labor with Sawyer.  Evan and I went to the ER.  It turned out to be preterm labor. I was given terbutaline and sent home.  I took terbutaline for the 3 weeks before I was scheduled for my c-section.  Terbutaline made me feel like I had 47 cups of coffee and I wanted to jump out of my skin.  It is no longer given to women for preterm labor.  My mind wants to make some sort of connection between Sawyer’s death and me taking the terbutaline but I am determined to (try to) keep my no guilt promise.

When I went into preterm labor I was around 34 weeks pregnant.  In my mind that was great.  Jake had been born at 26 weeks and he had died.  After Jake’s diagnosis and death I became a new person.  Growing up I always believed in happily ever after.  Everything would be ok.  In 2005 my innocence was shattered.  However, I somehow lived through that awful year. 

The new me rationalized that if I could just make it into the 30 week range in any future pregnancies Jake’s siblings would be fine.   (The new me also was silly enough to believe that becoming pregnant would not be an issue – the infertility rollercoaster instantly cured me of that delusion). 

The twins were born at 35 weeks.  Sawyer was born at 37 1/2 weeks.  Sawyer was 8 lbs at birth.  Jake was 2 lbs.  My new self thought that once Sawyer was home we were in the clear.  Six short weeks after Sawyer came home my “new” world was once again devastated.  I am still piecing myself back together.  I might be working on this for the rest of my life.  Maybe I will be like Humpty Dumpty and “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men” won’t be able to put me back together again.

However, I have my own little people with horses and they are excellent with glue.

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Life & Light

October 15, 2011 at 11:18 am | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 3 Comments
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“Instead of cursing the darkness, light a candle”
– –  Benjamin Franklin

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.  It is a day to promote and support the education and awareness for grieving parents.  Today and every day I miss Jake and Sawyer but tonight at 7 pm we will light candles.  This year I will once again hope that the light from all the candles will make the darkness of the unknown a little brighter.

As we honor  and remember the short lives of Jake and Sawyer today.  I would also like to honor the long life of Evan’s wonderful and amazing grandfather (aka GGP), Si Picker (if you click on the link skip down to the section titled “Naked with Brad Pitt”).  If you do not click on the link I will give you the cliff notes version.  Si Picker around the age of 60 became an actor.  One of the films that he was in was called Johnny Suede with a very young Brad Pitt.  Pitt was having a dream sequence in which GGP was sitting naked on a bar stool.

I know that death is part of life.  GGP’s death is the natural order life – it is still so sad.

“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death
from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people
from love. It can’t take away our memories either.
In the end, life is stronger than death.”
– – Anonymous

Frustration & Phillies Fans

October 10, 2011 at 10:44 pm | Posted in Grief | 7 Comments
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We ordered Sawyer’s headstone in August. Somehow it is October and it is not quite finalized. Perhaps this will mean that it will be correct the first time it arrives. Jake’s headstone took 3 tries.

The first headstone had the wrong dates. The second headstone had the right dates but said “Jack” instead of Jake. The third time was the charm and the correct headstone arrived.

We could not control what happened to Jake or Sawyer but you would think we could control the headstone. Here is to hoping that Sawyer’s first headstone arrives correctly. I guess everyone has frustrations in their lives. What are the things in your lives that you wish you could control?

As long as I am writing about things in life out of our control, to any Phillies fans out there I just wanted to say sorry about the playoffs.  Here is one of the frustrated Phillies fans in my house.

Spam, Signed & Sealed

October 8, 2011 at 9:18 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, traditions, twins | 8 Comments
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If I have ever emailed you since the late 90’s you may have recently received suspicious emails from my address.  Let me apologize for any emails offering secrets of happiness or descriptions of sexual adventures.  I promise if I knew the secrets to happiness I would let you all know immediately.  Not sure what to write about the sexual adventures but please don’t open the link.  However, it appears my email account (which I have had for almost 15 years) was hacked.  I have changed my password.  Hopefully,  I will soon be spam free which coincides perfectly with my clean slate from the High Holidays. 

The days between Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, and Yom Kippur are known at the Days of Awe.   These days are for introspection and reflection on the sins from the past year.  Names are written into the book of  life.  On Yom Kippur, the books is sealed.  In the High Holidays since Jake and Sawyer have died, I have thought about the fact that they did not have any sins.  So why were their names not inscribed in the book of life?  I know there is no answer to this question but I had to write it anyway.  I will not go down the path my mind usually takes.  This is the path of guilt where I have thoughts about my sins being the reason that Jake and Sawyer were not written into the book of life.  Must remember that my guilt is in the river. 

WE REMEMBER THEM.

At the rising of the sun and at its going down
We remember them.

At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter
We remember them.

At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring
We remember them.

At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer
We remember them.

At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn
We remember them.

At the beginning of the year and when it ends
We remember them.

As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as
We remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength
We remember them.

When we are lost and sick at heart
We remember them.

When we have joy we crave to share
We remember them.

When we have decisions that are difficult to make
We remember them.

When we have achievements that are based on theirs
We remember them.

As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as
We remember them.

By Sylvan Kamens and Rabbi Jack Reimer

Go Guilt Go

October 4, 2011 at 11:40 pm | Posted in Grief, traditions | 9 Comments
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This week I went with the twins on a school field trip. We went to a park alongside a river. The purpose of the trip was to say the Tashlich prayer. Tashlich means to cast off. It is a Jewish tradition of “casting off” your sins and starting the new year with a clean slate. Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year was this past week (just in case you did not already know that). I really like the idea of having a clean slate.

The way that the twins’ teachers explained Tashlich to the children was that it is putting all of your bad feelings into the river. Examples they gave were fighting with your brother/sister and not listening to your parents.

There were lots of feelings that I tried to “cast off” into the river. The top of my list was my guilt. My guilt that I did not do everything I could to protect Jake and Sawyer. I know logically that there was nothing I could do but as their mother I should have been able to protect them. I have replayed (in my mind and in talking to friends and therapists) Jake and Sawyer’s short lives over and over. I have tried to imagine if there could have been something I did or did not do that would have changed the fact that they both died.

I tried to leave my guilt in that river by the park. I will let you know how that works out for me. . .

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