Holiday Hope
December 16, 2014 at 9:36 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 4 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, help, holidays, hope, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
I am not always strong enough to get through the hard days by myself – especially during the holidays. I look to others to see what they do during these happy/sad celebrations without their child/children.
One of my friends always includes her “angel” on their family holiday card. Their daughter, like Sawyer, died during this festive season. It is so bittersweet to read her name on the card but it always reminds me that I am not alone.
Another friend, has created a family tradition to bring unwrapped holiday gifts to all in-patient oncology kids who are in the hospital where her daughter spent her last Thanksgiving and Christmas.
A few years ago one mom was looking at outgrown Christmas dresses and thinking of her little girl who never got to wear them at all. She decided to create a Holiday Clothing Drive. She asks people to donate gently used holiday clothes to others in need.
I know that there will be other dark days but I will try to continue to search for hope.
“How many brothers and sisters do you have?”
November 20, 2014 at 2:22 pm | Posted in Grief, twins | 11 CommentsTags: be nice, child loss, death, kindness, new not so normal, parenthood, quotes, siblings
I have previously written about being asked “How many children do you have?” Over the years, I have different responses to this question. It may always be a tricky question for me to answer or maybe one day I will come up with the perfect response. I will let you know.
“How many brothers and sisters do you have?” is the bereaved sibling’s version of this question. They are both such common and polite questions but the answers for some of us are so complicated.
The other day on the playground a classmate asked one of the twins, “Do you have any brothers and sisters?”
She answered, “Yes, I have a twin brother and my 2 other brothers, Jake and Sawyer, passed away. ”
The second grade little boy answered, “Jake and Sawyer probably passed away to get away from you.”
Our little girl walked away. She is not perfect, she has and will say mean things at times too. I wish I could protect all of my children all the time. Jake and Sawyer have taught me that I cannot. As much as I hate it, there are things beyond my control. I am going to do my best to teach kindness to the 2 who are physically with us.
Five
November 16, 2014 at 10:54 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, gratitude, grief, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer
Dear Sawyer,
Tomorrow would/should be your 5th birthday. Five years ago tonight we were all anxiously waiting to meet you. Your Nanny and Pop came to take care of your big brother and sister while your daddy and I went to the hospital.
I still cannot believe that you are not here with us. Some mornings I wake up and hope that it all has just been a horrific nightmare. However, you are gone and this is our reality. You are forever frozen at 6 weeks old. There are no new pictures to post. I know that I am so lucky to have the ones that we did take. I just wish there were more.
I miss you so much. Happy birthday sweet Sawyer! As always, I will look for you in my dreams.
Faith?
November 10, 2014 at 11:40 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 7 CommentsTags: death of a baby, grief, hope, Jake, Jewish customs, new not so normal, Sawyer, unexplainable
After Sawyer died a rabbi spoke to me and Evan. Evan told him that he was very angry. The rabbi told Evan to go ahead and be angry at G-d, ” because if anyone can handle it, He can.” This made sense to me.
The rabbi went on to tell us a story that did not make too much sense to me at the time. He told us about a rabbi and his wife who were walking back from their son’s funeral. The wife asked her husband, “what now, what do we live for?” The husband answered that we live for our living children and to carry on the memory of our son. Tragically, the next child of this couple dies. And once again, walking back from the funeral the wife asks her husband, “what now, what do we live for?” The husband gives the same answer, “we live for our living children and to carry on the memories of our sons.”
The story goes on until the couple has walked back from the funerals of all their children. The wife once more asks, “what now, what do we live for?” The husband says we are to carry on the memories of our children and we are reminders to everyone else in the village to be thankful for what they have.
My initial response to this story was, “why us? Why do Evan and I have to be the reminders? Why can’t we just have Sawyer back?” Over the years my thoughts about this story have changed. I know that we cannot have Sawyer back. I know that we will always carry on Jake and Sawyer’s memory. Evan and I did not choose this journey but here we are – and I may never truly understand why. I do know Jake and Sawyer do remind us to hug the twins a little tighter and to appreciate what we do have.
“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.” Mother Teresa
Goats
October 26, 2014 at 9:36 pm | Posted in Love, twins | 6 CommentsTags: goats4hire, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, smile, thoughts
I was trying to write this for a fun Friday post but I seemed to have missed it by a few days. I wanted to share a few of the things that have been making me smile recently. Please meet Darth Vadar:
“Luke, I am your GOAT. Adopt me and together we will rule the galaxy.”
And, Sable:
“What is a fine goat like me doing in a herd like this you might ask? I might ask that too – my coat is more beautiful than the finest sable in the world, bar none.”
These are just 2 of the goats who have been clearing the land for a new park near our house. When driving or walking through the neighborhood it has been fun watching these goats.
Evan and one of the twins even got interviewed about the park by the local NPR station. Click here if you would like to listen to the interview. (They did not get our names entirely correct but it is us.)
should you switch ob/gyns after your baby dies?
October 20, 2014 at 10:18 pm | Posted in Jake, life after loss, Sawyer | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, death of a baby, doctors, new not so normal, ob/gyn, post traumatic stress disorder, thoughts
After Jake died we did switch ob/gyns but not initially. Evan and I decided that so few people knew Jake and our ob/gyn at the time was one of those few. It also seemed daunting to start all over with a new doctor. We saw her throughout the pregnancy with the twins however, we switched right after. I will explain that story in another post.
I still go to the ob/gyn group that we saw during my pregnancy with Sawyer. I love the doctor who delivered Sawyer but I decided to switch doctors within the group for my annual check ups. Just like after Jake died it seemed like starting over with a new doctor was too daunting. By staying in the practice I have not had to start over from the beginning with all the forms.
I (most likely along with a majority of the female population) do not love going for my annual check ups. I wonder if the waiting room is so upsetting for everyone. How does it feel to look at all the happy baby pictures on the walls when you have not buried 2 babies? I do not think that there ob/gyns who specialize in bereaved mothers but maybe they are out there. Would you switch ob/gyns if your baby died?
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
October 14, 2014 at 10:14 pm | Posted in Grief | 1 CommentTags: Atlanta Walk to Remember, baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, hope, new not so normal, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, ways to honor the memory of your child
“When you come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.” – Author Unknown (borrowed from the Atlanta Walk to Remember 2010 program)
Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. As part of the day, everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 pm in all time zones, all over the world. The idea is that if everyone lights a candle at 7 pm and keeps it burning for at least 1 hour, there will be a continuous wave of light.
The candles that we will light were given out at the Atlanta Walk to Remember 2014. We will be lighting our candles at 7 pm hope you can join us.
neighbors
September 15, 2014 at 10:40 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 12 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, hope, miscarriage, new not so normal, Sad, thoughts
Our old neighbors stopped by the other day. They moved over a year ago and we have not seem them. We really like them and the twins played all the time with their oldest daughter. We were sad when they moved and we have missed them. So I was not prepared for my crazy mix of emotions when they drove up. Although now that I think about it, I should have been.
We were pregnant at the same time. Their 4-year-old boy happily raced up our driveway. My thoughts not so unexpectedly went to our never will be 4-year-old boy, Sawyer. And then out of the car toddled their youngest daughter. I remember her mom telling me that she was pregnant. I was so very happy for them and extra excited because I was hoping to tell them in a few weeks that we were expecting too. I never told them because I miscarried.
We caught up and watched the twins and their 3 children run around. They asked about our other neighbors. I told them about the new neighbor baby born in August and the other one born in July. I am so very happy for those neighbors too but I could feel the pit in my stomach and the familiar lump start to grow in my throat. We chatted until it was time to get their kids back in the car.
I kept it together until they drove away. I could not hold back the tears any longer. I miss Sawyer. I miss the baby I miscarried. I am happy for our neighbors but sad for us. I do not actually want their babies but seeing them makes me miss our lost children. Those feelings are so hard for me. Why can’t I just be happy for other people and not sad for who is missing from our lives?
Luckily, the twins were waiting for me to make their dinner and for that I am eternally grateful.
The Bad News and The Good News
September 8, 2014 at 10:45 pm | Posted in Grief | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, Jake, Method Baby Products, new not so normal, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer
The BAD news – – Jake and Sawyer’s nameplates/headstones are officially rusting (not sure if rusting is the right word but see the picture below). We spoke to the cemetery people and apparently the manufacturers did not put the correct finish on (or, they completely forgot the finish). So, this is what it looks like at the moment:
Do you see the border rusting (or peeling away)? The letters are starting to go too. It makes me crazy. We spoke to the nice people at the cemetery today. They are going to fix it. The nameplates/headstones and the granite will all be replaced AGAIN.
The GOOD news – – As part of their Fall collection, Method brought back Rice Milk & Mallow (the scent that reminds us of Sawyer). And instead of just letting us find it in the store, they sent us all of this!
METHOD IS THE BEST!!
The Happy and The Sad
August 26, 2014 at 8:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, bittersweet, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, hope, Jake, Jewish customs, new not so normal, Sad
The happy and the sad are so closely entwined during the month of August that I have whiplash. Jake’s birthday, my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary!!, more yahrzeits, more birthdays and tomorrow will be Jake’s death day. I know there are only so many days in a year so birthdays and anniversaries have to overlap at times but August for me has overwhelming extremes.
At 6:14 am tomorrow, it will be 9 years since we last held Jake. The day after will be the anniversary of his funeral. And all the days after that will continue to be bittersweet but maybe one day we will hold sweet Jake again.
Family Picture – August 27, 2005
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