Sweet Sawyer
November 17, 2011 at 7:48 am | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, silver lining, Time | 24 CommentsTags: child loss, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, SUIDS, unexplainable
Sawyer
Dear Sawyer,
No matter what I do the days keep going by me. Today you would have been 2! It is so hard for me to believe that you would no longer be a baby. I close my eyes and try so hard to imagine you as a toddler. I only see your big baby eyes staring at me. I wish I could see you grow up. I cannot even put into words how much I want to hold you, hug you and sing happy birthday to you.
We will sing. Your birthday and you will not be forgotten. Not today, not ever. Your daddy and I will go to the cemetery. Your big sister and (one of) your big brother(s) will sing to you too. Maybe we will buy some balloons or a cupcake.
I will try to keep myself really busy. I know you already know this but ever since you died (maybe even since Jake died) I have to be very busy. It is like I am afraid that if I have too much time to think about it my brain will finally realize that you are gone. And you are not coming back.
I have so many things that I want to ask you:
Where are you?
Are you ok?
Do you know how much you are loved and missed?
Will I ever get a chance to hold you again?
There will be no answers. I will not see you grow up. I will be forever thankful that you chose us to be your parents. I cherish the nearly 6 weeks we were lucky to spend with you. I will always look for ways to carry on your purpose in this life. I will celebrate your bittersweet 2nd birthday. And as always, I will look for you in my dreams.
Sweet Sawyer, I love you and miss you. Happy Birthday baby boy!
How are you? (part 2)
November 14, 2011 at 10:28 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining | 10 CommentsTags: child loss, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, yoga
This question has got to be one of the most common greetings. I wrote my first post about it. People really just want you to say all is well and move on. I used to be able to do that. I would even ask the question myself. After Jake died, I could not any longer. It felt like a lie to say, “I am fine, how about you?” I have tried all kinds of tactics to avoid answering this question. I quickly ask the other person how they are and never answer at all. I say things like, “I am hanging in here.” Or, “Just taking it all day by day.”
I know that I am not in the dark valleys of grief all the time. Jake and Sawyer did die. I am always sad about their deaths. I do try to still live. However, I never truly feel fine. Until this weekend. In my yoga class the instructor said, “How are you?” And then he followed up with, “We are all fine, aren’t we?” And then he defined fine for me:
F*!*!D UP INSECURE NEUROTIC EMOTIONAL
I can now honestly answer, “I am fine thanks, how are you?”
Namaste.
Memories & Moments
November 10, 2011 at 11:22 pm | Posted in Grief, twins | 8 CommentsTags: Buddha, child loss, life after loss, post traumatic stress disorder
I believe that when older people die there are many places, songs and other things which stir up mixed emotions and memories for those left behind. There are not a lot of places which remind me of Jake or Sawyer. Jake never left the hospital. Sawyer did leave but went home. Other than home, he went to the pediatrician twice and once we stopped by a good friend’s house on the way home.
I have been back to the hospital and the pediatrician (on many occasions). I have not been back to the hospital where Sawyer died. I have to confess that sometimes I drive way out of my way not to even drive by the place.
Today I went back to the place I was the last day I saw Sawyer alive. Sawyer had stayed home with Evan. I took the twins to the JCC for a Family Fun Day . It was Christmas day and it was a no fun day for me. The twins were running around like little crazy people. I had to go home to feed Sawyer and the twins would not leave. I had a major meltdown in the parking lot. It was not my finest hour. Have you had any parenting or other types of meltdowns?
As I drove into the parking lot today I noticed that familiar pit in my stomach. My mind traveled back to that day in 2009. Sawyer was alive and waiting for me to come home to feed him. As it turned out it took me so long that day to get the twins home that Evan had to feed Sawyer a bottle.
Today I debated driving right out of the parking lot and leaving. A mom of one of the twins’ preschool friends wrote a book . She spoke about it today at a book festival. I wanted to go hear her speak. I took a few deep breaths, parked my car and transported myself back to 2011.
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. —- Buddha
Whatever we think of the past, we must not be prisoners to it. —- Barack Obama, speech, Jun. 4, 2009
For time and the world do not stand still. Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future. —- John Kennedy
Telling the Truth
November 8, 2011 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Grief | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, grief, life after loss, miscarriage, twins, unexplainable
Someone very close to our family (especially the twins) recently had a miscarriage. She was 14 weeks. The twins knew that there was a baby in her tummy. As in the past, I tried to honestly explain to the twins what happened. It does not always work. I simply told them that the baby is no longer in her tummy. I braced myself for 1,000 questions. There was only 1.
“Where is the baby?”
Excellent question. Where is the baby?
Trying to keep it simple and find the words that their 4-year-old minds can relate to, I responded, “The baby is playing with Sawyer and Jake.”
No follow-up questions. End of discussion. For the moment.
Every time the twins have seen our family friend since that day they ask about the baby.
“Are we sure that the baby is not still in her tummy?”
“Where is the baby?”
Sometimes out of the blue I will be reading bedtime stories and one of the twins will point to my stomach and ask if Sawyer is still in there. I explain the best I can and keep on reading. It is painful for me and our family friend to explain why our babies are no longer with us. The twins, on the other hand, are not phased by these questions.
They are just observing. (Just like the time in a public restroom when they were loudly counting the number of black people and white people in the room. No negatives. Just counting).
They are double checking the facts of the world as they know it.
It is difficult to explain the unexplainable.
“Death cancels all but the truth.” Proverb
Dear Sawyer
November 4, 2011 at 12:10 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, Jewish customs, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, Sawyer, tragedy, unexplainable
Dear Sawyer,
It is difficult for me to believe but in 2 weeks you would have been 2 years old. We should be planning your birthday party. The invitations should have been sent. I should be running last-minute errands to Party City and Michaels. Instead your dad and I are trying to finalize your headstone. It is mostly your dad. I am not so good with the headstones. It should be finalized soon. I saw Maureen from the cemetery the other day. I asked her to call me before they put your stone in the ground. I know it has been ordered and it will arrive one day soon. I am going to try to prepare myself. I am going to be extra strong so that I do not lose it when I see your name in stone. It is just so permanent.
Your daddy and I are also figuring out your unveiling. I wish more than anything we were discussing how many cupcakes to order for your birthday party. People have told me that we do not have to have an unveiling. I know. When your child dies there are very few rules you have to follow. But, in my heart it feels wrong not to do anything (not nearly as wrong as you dying). We will figure it out. Sometimes it is just so hard. We have to move forward. We have to breathe. We have to live in a world without you and your brother.
I miss you so much sweet Sawyer. Where are you? Wherever you are please know how much your mommy loves you. I like to think that you are playing with Jake. Mom Mom and Grandmother are taking care of you. I love you baby boy, I will see you in my dreams.
Love always,
Mommy
Trick or Treat & Too Tired
November 2, 2011 at 11:50 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, silver lining, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, happy, life after loss, parenthood
It was a game day decision for the twins. They decided over a month before Halloween that they were going to be a rocket and a unicorn. This decision was prompted by the fact that I could not get them to leave Target without these costumes. I was too tired that day to fight with them. I am often tired. I am sure that most, if not all parents are sleep deprived to some extent. I know exhaustion is linked to depression. In my alternate universe where Jake and Sawyer did not die would I be so tired?
I took the easy way out. I opted to avoid a double meltdown and bought the costumes.
As I expected they changed their minds quite a few times before the big day.
The Viking and the Dress Up with the Umbrella were ruled out because they belong to our good friends who live in Colorado.
The crazy hair was ruled out because I cannot recreate that or anything closely resembling that hair do.
The others each were vetoed for some other reason. And, we ended up back at the rocket and the unicorn. (Just in case you are wondering, that is pumpkin bowling in the last picture).
The extremely tired Cat in the Hat rallied for Halloween long enough to follow the rocket and the unicorn to a few houses for trick or treating. Then the rocket offered to go home and help pass out candy. Overall, it was a successful night. No major meltdowns and no one turned into a pumpkin.
Humpty Dumpty & Hope
October 28, 2011 at 11:18 am | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, hope, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, Terbutaline, trisomy 21, twins, unexplainable
In 2009 on the week before Halloween I went into labor with Sawyer. Evan and I went to the ER. It turned out to be preterm labor. I was given terbutaline and sent home. I took terbutaline for the 3 weeks before I was scheduled for my c-section. Terbutaline made me feel like I had 47 cups of coffee and I wanted to jump out of my skin. It is no longer given to women for preterm labor. My mind wants to make some sort of connection between Sawyer’s death and me taking the terbutaline but I am determined to (try to) keep my no guilt promise.
When I went into preterm labor I was around 34 weeks pregnant. In my mind that was great. Jake had been born at 26 weeks and he had died. After Jake’s diagnosis and death I became a new person. Growing up I always believed in happily ever after. Everything would be ok. In 2005 my innocence was shattered. However, I somehow lived through that awful year.
The new me rationalized that if I could just make it into the 30 week range in any future pregnancies Jake’s siblings would be fine. (The new me also was silly enough to believe that becoming pregnant would not be an issue – the infertility rollercoaster instantly cured me of that delusion).
The twins were born at 35 weeks. Sawyer was born at 37 1/2 weeks. Sawyer was 8 lbs at birth. Jake was 2 lbs. My new self thought that once Sawyer was home we were in the clear. Six short weeks after Sawyer came home my “new” world was once again devastated. I am still piecing myself back together. I might be working on this for the rest of my life. Maybe I will be like Humpty Dumpty and “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men” won’t be able to put me back together again.
However, I have my own little people with horses and they are excellent with glue.
No Bones About It
October 24, 2011 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, grief, life after loss, parenthood
I like Halloween decorations just as much as most people. Although, in college I did ask my freshman year roommate to raise the bats she had hung from our dorm room ceiling. I did this not because I am anti Halloween but because I am about 6 inches taller than her and I hit my head on them every time I crossed the room. I did feel pretty bad when she got upset that I had asked to raise up the bats and took down all the decorations – but that is a different story.
I really only like happy Halloween decorations. Pumpkins are great. Ghosts I am good with. I can even deal with the headstones in the lawn. I am just not so good with bones.
I cannot quite put into words why it bothers me. I know it has to do with Jake and Sawyer. It is all good for other houses but I have made a no bones rule in my house. So far no one has challenged the rule.
Life & Light
October 15, 2011 at 11:18 am | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 3 CommentsTags: death, grandparents, grief, hope, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, unexplainable
“Instead of cursing the darkness, light a candle”
– – Benjamin Franklin
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. It is a day to promote and support the education and awareness for grieving parents. Today and every day I miss Jake and Sawyer but tonight at 7 pm we will light candles. This year I will once again hope that the light from all the candles will make the darkness of the unknown a little brighter.
As we honor and remember the short lives of Jake and Sawyer today. I would also like to honor the long life of Evan’s wonderful and amazing grandfather (aka GGP), Si Picker (if you click on the link skip down to the section titled “Naked with Brad Pitt”). If you do not click on the link I will give you the cliff notes version. Si Picker around the age of 60 became an actor. One of the films that he was in was called Johnny Suede with a very young Brad Pitt. Pitt was having a dream sequence in which GGP was sitting naked on a bar stool.
I know that death is part of life. GGP’s death is the natural order life – it is still so sad.
“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death
from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people
from love. It can’t take away our memories either.
In the end, life is stronger than death.”
– – Anonymous
Frustration & Phillies Fans
October 10, 2011 at 10:44 pm | Posted in Grief | 7 CommentsTags: death, hope, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, unexplainable
We ordered Sawyer’s headstone in August. Somehow it is October and it is not quite finalized. Perhaps this will mean that it will be correct the first time it arrives. Jake’s headstone took 3 tries.
The first headstone had the wrong dates. The second headstone had the right dates but said “Jack” instead of Jake. The third time was the charm and the correct headstone arrived.
We could not control what happened to Jake or Sawyer but you would think we could control the headstone. Here is to hoping that Sawyer’s first headstone arrives correctly. I guess everyone has frustrations in their lives. What are the things in your lives that you wish you could control?
As long as I am writing about things in life out of our control, to any Phillies fans out there I just wanted to say sorry about the playoffs. Here is one of the frustrated Phillies fans in my house.
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