Memories & Moments

November 10, 2011 at 11:22 pm | Posted in Grief, twins | 8 Comments
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I believe that when older people die there are many places, songs and other things which stir up mixed emotions and memories for those left behind.  There are not a lot of places which remind me of Jake or Sawyer.   Jake never left the hospital.  Sawyer did leave but went home.  Other than home, he went to the pediatrician twice and once we stopped by a good friend’s house on the way home.

I have been back to the hospital and the pediatrician (on many occasions).   I have not been back to the hospital where Sawyer died.  I have to confess that sometimes I drive way out of my way not to even drive by the place.

Today I went back to the place I was the last day I saw Sawyer alive.  Sawyer had stayed home with Evan.  I took the twins to the JCC for a Family Fun Day .  It was Christmas day and it was a no fun day for me.  The twins were running around like little crazy people.  I had to go home to feed Sawyer and the twins would not leave.  I had a major meltdown in the parking lot.  It was not my finest hour.  Have you had any parenting or other types of meltdowns?

As I drove into the parking lot today I noticed that familiar pit in my stomach.   My mind traveled back to that day in 2009.  Sawyer was alive and waiting for me to come home to feed him.  As it turned out it took me so long that day to get the twins home that Evan had to feed Sawyer a bottle.

Today I debated driving right out of the parking lot and leaving.  A mom of one of the twins’ preschool friends wrote a book .  She spoke about it today at a book festival.  I wanted to go hear her speak.  I took a few deep breaths, parked my car and transported myself back to 2011.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.  —- Buddha

Whatever we think of the past, we must not be prisoners to it.  —- Barack Obama, speech, Jun. 4, 2009

For time and the world do not stand still.  Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future.    —- John Kennedy


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  1. i so wish you didn’t have to write about “memories” of your children. those boys should be with your right now. xo

  2. I am so proud of you for taking that breath, and going ahead with what you wanted to do, despite the weight of old memories on your heart. The present is ‘the gift’ we all need to live in, but that’s so much easier said than done. With each step you take forward, you are not forgetting your past, but you are making sure you are not being confined by it either. My love to you, Amy

  3. How brave of you!I hope you feel as proud of yourself as we all do.

  4. I identify with this so much. Hadley never left the hospital and I can hardly bear to be anywhere near it. I wish we knew so much more about our children, favorite color, song, show on tv, so much we will never know and hard to grasp at memories when we had such little time with them. So glad you had the strength to keep going that day.

  5. Taking that breathe is the hardest. I’ve actually gone everywhere except for one which is silly, but I can’t get over. Before I went to the last normal OB appointment, I ran into a coffee place and got a rooibos latte. My appointments were so short that I left it in the car to cool and drink when I got back down. I never saw it again. I associate that place with that naivete and a belief that the world will work out or something and so just haven’t gotten myself to go back.

  6. Dear Lanie –
    I belong to the group who have had meltdowns – of different kinds – and I rather suspect, we’re the majority by far. How could you not have moments of losing it with 2-year-old twins and a brand-new baby? I wish, I could say that you won’t have future meltdowns now that the twins are older; in my experience you’re never meltdown-proof. So don’t be hard on yourself. We all do the best we can with and for our children and when they’re gown-up, you may learn of the many mistakes you made – your kids might tell you! Enjoy Fletcher and Alyssa.
    With love, Cornelia

  7. You are incredibly brave and strong, and are among a huge group of us who melt down and freak out as we figure out how to deal with the stuff that comes up each and every day.

  8. I still can’t go back to a restaurant I ate at the day my son died. It used to be my favorite restaurant, but every time I even think about going there I remember how the nurses made me leave and go to lunch that day and how I was just freaking out the whole time. I’ve always felt like I lost an hour of the time I could’ve had with him that day. In another life, where I don’t have to count every second of the time I had and resent every second that was lost with him because he got to grow stronger and leave the hospital, I probably would’ve been to that restaurant a dozen times since that day. Good for you for taking that step and not allowing your grief to be in charge of where you go!

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