I just miss you
December 6, 2011 at 10:35 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, Love, mourning | 12 CommentsTags: acting, child loss, dark days, holidays, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
Dear Sawyer,
It is me. Are you there? I know that I wrote a few weeks ago that I could handle the holidays. I was wrong. The dark days are back. It is part of the deal. This new normal life that I have been trying to create includes dark days. They creep up. I expect these days between your birthday and the day that you died to be hard. I try to lower my expectations of what I can handle. I wish the rest of the world would do the same.
I try to keep myself so busy that I cannot think. It is not working this time. So I try to act as if everything is okay. Most of the time I can fake it till I almost believe myself that life without you and Jake is perfectly fine. I cannot pretend. Life without you and Jake is not okay.
My arms physically ache to hold you. Every day that passes is another day farther from when you were last with me. When I hear other babies cry I can still tell that it is not your cry. Will the day come when I have forgotten the sound of your cry?
We have given away or packed up most of your things. We just cannot seem to go through the last few piles. The gifts that were sent to you the week you died. The clothes you wore that last few days of your life. The condolence cards. Your death certificate. The cards of the police detectives. They are all still here. I wish that you were here too.
I do not want pity. I want you. I am just sad. Life without you and Jake is so excruciatingly painful and bittersweet. I know that there is still light. I see it every time I look at your big brother and sister.
I just miss you. I will see you in my dreams sweet Sawyer.
Thankful
November 24, 2011 at 10:58 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, parents, twins | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, holidays, hope, infertility, new not so normal, Sawyer, twins
I looked back at my post from last Thanksgiving. In some ways I have come a long way. In other ways not so much. I wanted to cancel the entire holiday season last year. It was the holiday season where Sawyer should have been turning 1. I could not understand how everyone was just going along being happy and celebrating. I felt the same way the holiday season after Jake died. I avoided any and all holiday parties. I could not pretend to go through the motions. I desperately wanted to scream, cry and run to some place where Jake and Sawyer were with me.
No matter what I do the world keeps on going without Jake and without Sawyer. This year Evan and I tried to return to our holiday plan from years past. The first years of our marriage we tried to see all 3 sets of our parents. We even forced ourselves to go the year that Jake died. The next year we had to stay in town because we had gotten onto the infertility rollercoaster.
We did somehow manage to get ourselves back on the visiting all 3 sets of family schedule once the twins were born. I am still not quite sure how we pulled that off with 3 month old twins. In 2009 Sawyer was born the third week of November. We came home from the hospital the week of Thanksgiving. Needless to say we stayed home that year.
I have a brilliant friend who came up with the fantastic plan to celebrate Thanksgiving early with her family. No travel, no stress. We have not found that happy Thanksgiving place yet. Maybe we never will. We will keep trying. I will continue to be so very thankful for our families and friends and to hold on tight to what I can. Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
Telling the Truth
November 8, 2011 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Grief | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, grief, life after loss, miscarriage, twins, unexplainable
Someone very close to our family (especially the twins) recently had a miscarriage. She was 14 weeks. The twins knew that there was a baby in her tummy. As in the past, I tried to honestly explain to the twins what happened. It does not always work. I simply told them that the baby is no longer in her tummy. I braced myself for 1,000 questions. There was only 1.
“Where is the baby?”
Excellent question. Where is the baby?
Trying to keep it simple and find the words that their 4-year-old minds can relate to, I responded, “The baby is playing with Sawyer and Jake.”
No follow-up questions. End of discussion. For the moment.
Every time the twins have seen our family friend since that day they ask about the baby.
“Are we sure that the baby is not still in her tummy?”
“Where is the baby?”
Sometimes out of the blue I will be reading bedtime stories and one of the twins will point to my stomach and ask if Sawyer is still in there. I explain the best I can and keep on reading. It is painful for me and our family friend to explain why our babies are no longer with us. The twins, on the other hand, are not phased by these questions.
They are just observing. (Just like the time in a public restroom when they were loudly counting the number of black people and white people in the room. No negatives. Just counting).
They are double checking the facts of the world as they know it.
It is difficult to explain the unexplainable.
“Death cancels all but the truth.” Proverb
Humpty Dumpty & Hope
October 28, 2011 at 11:18 am | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, hope, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, Terbutaline, trisomy 21, twins, unexplainable
In 2009 on the week before Halloween I went into labor with Sawyer. Evan and I went to the ER. It turned out to be preterm labor. I was given terbutaline and sent home. I took terbutaline for the 3 weeks before I was scheduled for my c-section. Terbutaline made me feel like I had 47 cups of coffee and I wanted to jump out of my skin. It is no longer given to women for preterm labor. My mind wants to make some sort of connection between Sawyer’s death and me taking the terbutaline but I am determined to (try to) keep my no guilt promise.
When I went into preterm labor I was around 34 weeks pregnant. In my mind that was great. Jake had been born at 26 weeks and he had died. After Jake’s diagnosis and death I became a new person. Growing up I always believed in happily ever after. Everything would be ok. In 2005 my innocence was shattered. However, I somehow lived through that awful year.
The new me rationalized that if I could just make it into the 30 week range in any future pregnancies Jake’s siblings would be fine. (The new me also was silly enough to believe that becoming pregnant would not be an issue – the infertility rollercoaster instantly cured me of that delusion).
The twins were born at 35 weeks. Sawyer was born at 37 1/2 weeks. Sawyer was 8 lbs at birth. Jake was 2 lbs. My new self thought that once Sawyer was home we were in the clear. Six short weeks after Sawyer came home my “new” world was once again devastated. I am still piecing myself back together. I might be working on this for the rest of my life. Maybe I will be like Humpty Dumpty and “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men” won’t be able to put me back together again.
However, I have my own little people with horses and they are excellent with glue.
A Band & A Baby
October 18, 2011 at 8:10 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 3 CommentsTags: child loss, motherhood, tragedy, twins
I joined a band. Not the musical kind of band but a different kind. The mission of Band Back Together is below or click on the link to read more about it:
Our Mission
Band Back Together is a group weblog that provides educational resources as well as a safe, moderated, supportive environment to share stories of survival. Through the power of real stories written by real people, we can work together to destigmatize mental illness, abuse, rape, baby loss and other traumas so that we may learn, grow, and heal.
All are welcome.
Not sure what I am doing in the band but I will figure it out. . . .
I also wanted to welcome my new nephew, Ethan, to the world! I cannot wait to meet him. And introduce him to his big cousins.
Go Guilt Go
October 4, 2011 at 11:40 pm | Posted in Grief, traditions | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, Jake, Jewish customs, life after loss, Sawyer, twins
This week I went with the twins on a school field trip. We went to a park alongside a river. The purpose of the trip was to say the Tashlich prayer. Tashlich means to cast off. It is a Jewish tradition of “casting off” your sins and starting the new year with a clean slate. Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year was this past week (just in case you did not already know that). I really like the idea of having a clean slate.
The way that the twins’ teachers explained Tashlich to the children was that it is putting all of your bad feelings into the river. Examples they gave were fighting with your brother/sister and not listening to your parents.
There were lots of feelings that I tried to “cast off” into the river. The top of my list was my guilt. My guilt that I did not do everything I could to protect Jake and Sawyer. I know logically that there was nothing I could do but as their mother I should have been able to protect them. I have replayed (in my mind and in talking to friends and therapists) Jake and Sawyer’s short lives over and over. I have tried to imagine if there could have been something I did or did not do that would have changed the fact that they both died.
I tried to leave my guilt in that river by the park. I will let you know how that works out for me. . .
Burritos, Buddha & Baggage
September 30, 2011 at 11:20 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 7 CommentsTags: Buddha, death, grandparents, gratitude, grief, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, siblings, twins, unexplainable, yoga
I have been trying to move past the fact that there may never be an answer to what caused Sawyer’s death. It is hard to let go. A moral from one of the twins’ books has been helping me with this process. The twins’ great grandparents recently gave them a book call Zen Shorts by Jon J. Muth. Have you ever heard the Buddhist tale about the Monk with the Heavy Load?
One day two traveling monks reached a town and saw a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. There were deep, muddy puddles and she couldn’t step across without getting mud on her silk robes. She impatiently scolded her attendants, who were carrying heavy packages.
The younger monk walked by the young woman without speaking. But the older monk stopped and picked her up on his back, carrying her across the mud. Not only did she not thank the monk, she shoved him out of her way when he put her down and scurried by him.
As the two monks continued on their way, the younger monk was brooding. After a long time, he finally spoke out. “That woman was so rude but you picked her up and carried her! She didn’t even thank you.”
“I set the woman down hours ago,” the older monk responded. “Why are you still carrying her?”
Letting go does not mean forgetting Sawyer or Jake. It means moving forward. It will not always be a straight path. Luckily, I have some little monks with me on this journey. Here they are in burrito pose (or more commonly known as shavasana):
Namaste.
August Attire?
August 12, 2011 at 11:48 am | Posted in Grief, mourning, silver lining, twins | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, grief, happy, hope, life after loss, parenthood, twins
It might say August on the rest of the world’s calendars but here in our house we are getting ready for the end of October. Halloween to be specific. The Princess and her puppy would like their own calendar so that they can cross off the days until the big event.
The Power Ranger (who is really wearing an evil Spiderman costume – but please do not share that information with him) does not want his picture taken. Additionally, he does not want to change out of his costume until after Halloween – despite the fact that Halloween is approximately 2 1/2 months from now and it is currently averaging 100 degrees outside.
It looks like I will be having wardrobe battles with Spiderman for the next few months. I have to go print out some calendars for the Princess now.
“One joy shatters a hundred griefs.”
– – Chinese Proverb
Super Star
July 10, 2011 at 12:38 am | Posted in hospital, silver lining | 12 CommentsTags: happy, hernia, life after loss, twins
Our little super star was such a good sport. He happily played while waiting for his surgery.
He was not able to eat or drink that morning. I dreaded him asking for something and not being able to give it to him. Luckily, he was so busy playing with his cars that he only asked once. I responded by handing him more cars.
Evan and I could hear him chatting as the nurses and surgeon wheeled him away down the hall. We waited in his room.
He was brought back to us from the recovery room. He was in and out of sleep.
When he did wake up the first thing he asked for was his car. The second thing he asked for was more cars. However, he did not turn down the apple juice or popsicle the nurse offered him.
And before we knew it our super star, his blue tongue, Lightening McQueen and all the other cars were happily on our way home.
Thank you all so much for sending positive thoughts, good wishes and love!
Hospitals, Hernias & Holidays
July 2, 2011 at 11:32 pm | Posted in emergency room, Grief, hospital, parents, twins | 10 CommentsTags: fathers, hernia, Jake, motherhood, Sawyer, twins
Yesterday I called Evan and told him to come home immediately. As I hung up the phone, I questioned if I overreacted. We had been at a close friend’s house playing. All was normal except when we left one twin ran to the car and the other was dragging his left foot. I asked if he wanted me to pick him up. It is not unusual for him to get tired and ask to be carried. However, when I picked him up he screamed to be put down.
Finally I got everybody in the car. As I drove I thought maybe he was having an allergic reaction. Maybe he could not walk because his feet were swollen. Or maybe his shoes were too small and he needed new shoes. I opted to stop at CVS rather than the shoe store. At this point, they both were screaming. She wanted ice cream. He wanted to sit down. After buying Benadryl, 2 toy cars and frozen yogurt to go, we were back in the car. I made the call to Evan. One of us needed to take him to the doctor.
At home I stripped him down to look for hives. He was very swollen in his groin area. Evan got home and took him to the after hours pediatric urgent care. I fully expected a call telling me there was an unexplainable allergic reaction (like many others in the past) and the hives would be gone in the morning.
Instead Evan called to tell me that he was on his way to the ER. The hive was actually a hernia. I needed to go to the ER. Luckily, I was able to drop off the well twin back at our friend’s house. Thank you again!!
I got to the ER just in time for the ultrasound. He screamed, cried and begged (politely) for the ultrasound technician to please stop. Evan and I held him down. Ok, Evan held him down. I had to go cry in the hall.
After the ultrasound we waited to speak to the surgeon. While waiting, I went to the bathroom. The bathroom was right across from this hospital’s “consult room.” The “consult room” was where Evan and I held Jake for the last time. It was where we were when the ER doctor told us that Sawyer was dead. They were different “consult rooms,” in different hospitals but they looked the same. Standard issue plastic couch and chair. Generic flowery art. Striped carpet.
As I reached the door of our ER room I looked through the glass panel of the door. Evan was holding hands with our very much alive son. I thought of the glass partition which Alice Wisler so insightfully used to describe bereaved parent’s desire to be so close and so distant from their living children. I walked back into the room.
The surgeon arrived. He originally said that we would be checked in and surgery would be the next morning. An hour or so later, we were told that due to life threatening cases and the holiday weekend we would need to go home. We were discharged early this morning. Surgery will be scheduled for this week. I am going to kiss the twins one more time right now.
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A Mourning Mom 