I just miss you
December 6, 2011 at 10:35 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, Love, mourning | 12 CommentsTags: acting, child loss, dark days, holidays, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
Dear Sawyer,
It is me. Are you there? I know that I wrote a few weeks ago that I could handle the holidays. I was wrong. The dark days are back. It is part of the deal. This new normal life that I have been trying to create includes dark days. They creep up. I expect these days between your birthday and the day that you died to be hard. I try to lower my expectations of what I can handle. I wish the rest of the world would do the same.
I try to keep myself so busy that I cannot think. It is not working this time. So I try to act as if everything is okay. Most of the time I can fake it till I almost believe myself that life without you and Jake is perfectly fine. I cannot pretend. Life without you and Jake is not okay.
My arms physically ache to hold you. Every day that passes is another day farther from when you were last with me. When I hear other babies cry I can still tell that it is not your cry. Will the day come when I have forgotten the sound of your cry?
We have given away or packed up most of your things. We just cannot seem to go through the last few piles. The gifts that were sent to you the week you died. The clothes you wore that last few days of your life. The condolence cards. Your death certificate. The cards of the police detectives. They are all still here. I wish that you were here too.
I do not want pity. I want you. I am just sad. Life without you and Jake is so excruciatingly painful and bittersweet. I know that there is still light. I see it every time I look at your big brother and sister.
I just miss you. I will see you in my dreams sweet Sawyer.
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A Mourning Mom 
😦 I know there’s nothing anyone can say to make things better, but hopefully a hug can help for a minute. I will try to visit soon to donate a hug, or 10. Xoxo
Comment by Meredith Maddry— December 6, 2011 #
Oh lanie. I feel so helpless to help you. sending love. xo
Comment by Kelcey— December 6, 2011 #
Thinking of you my dear friend as you grieve the loss of your sweet babies, Jake and Sawyer. Isn’t there some saying about “it’s always darkest before the dawn”? I hope and pray that you find some peace and healing in this time. I hope you feel the love of all who surround you, even those that are so very far away. Love, Amy
Comment by Amy Johnson— December 6, 2011 #
You do not know me, but I found your blog through Ms. Maya Thompson’s and just wanted to tell you how deeply your story has touched my heart. Thank you for sharing this painful journey with us and having the courage and strength that no mother should ever need to have to tell us your sweet babies’ stories. Pity will do no good for you so I will not say I am so sorry, instead I will tell you that I mourn the loss of Jake and Sawyer with you even though I did not know them, and I send love to you and your family every day.
Comment by Kayla Meyers— December 7, 2011 #
Lanie, sending love, caring and hugs. I can’t take away the pain but I am always close. Hug the babies and Evan for me.
Comment by Patty— December 7, 2011 #
There is nothing to say that can make this better. It hurts. It will hurt. But know if I can help you in any way… I would do almost anything.
Comment by SusanFB— December 7, 2011 #
… and the waves of grief come crashing down when we least expect them. But just like the ocean the waves will recede, will calm. I am praying for those gentle calming waves for you. And peace.
“Dreams are your heart’s wishes, when you are fast asleep” – Cinderella
Linda
Comment by The Good Cook— December 7, 2011 #
Oh Lanie, my heart aches for you. I wish I could say some magic words and fix it all up the way it’s supposed to be, with those gorgeous boys in your arms.
Comment by Daphne— December 7, 2011 #
Hi Lanie…I don’t have anything to say that will make it even the tiniest bit better. The days leading up to the anniversary are always awful for me too. It must be so hard to have to put your holiday face on when you are dealing with so much. Sometimes I feel resentful of other people’s miracle stories. I wonder what they did to deserve their blessings. I don’t begrudge them their miracle, I just wonder why I didn’t get mine. When I stop to count my blessings, there is someone missing. On good days I manage to believe that the huge separation we feel between the living and the dead is not as vast as we think it is on our side of life and that the separation will not last forever. I hope you are going easy on yourself–you are doing the best you can.
Comment by Reese— December 7, 2011 #
I wish I could hug you, make you some tea and muffins, do your vacuuming for you. Something to get you through this time. I’m so sorry.
Comment by dilovely— December 7, 2011 #
Lanie- I can’t even begin to imagine how tortuous this time of year is for you. My only wish is that it passes as quickly and with the least amount of pain that is possible. Sending love and healing thoughts to you my friend.
Comment by Meredith Milk— December 8, 2011 #
I’m so sorry that this is your reality…not parent should have to live through this – it’s just so so wrong.
Comment by Ali Barnes— December 8, 2011 #