The Ocean

April 4, 2012 at 9:28 pm | Posted in Death, Grief | 5 Comments
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I met a bereaved father the other day. There is an immediate level of familiarity when you meet another member of the club. Bereaved parents all have different stories but we have all walked in the darkest valley of death. We have all cruelly defied the circle of life and outlived our children.

It has been 7 years since his 29-year-old son died. The father went on to tell me an analogy of grieving for your child. I am not sure I can explain it as eloquently as he did but I will try.

Grief is like an ocean. At times it is calm but there are always ripples. Other times the water is rough. The ocean is unpredictable. Out of no where and with little or no warning a tsunami will drown you. Over time the waters will calm down again but they will never be still.

On a completely different but still ocean related note, click this link to hear the twins tell their versions of their great grandfather’s ocean joke.

TMI vs. not TMI?

February 28, 2012 at 10:46 pm | Posted in life lessons, normal?, twins, venting | 5 Comments
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I do talk about Jake and Sawyer – and if you are reading this then you know I do write about them quite often.  They are never far from my thoughts.  However, I will at times not mention my 2 children who are not with me.  Sometimes it is because I do not know the other person and will never see them again.  Other times it is because I do not want to see the look of pity which often accompanies Jake and Sawyer’s stories.

Then there are times when I give too much information on purpose.  I distinctly remember a wedding shortly after Jake died.  Evan and I were talking to 2 other couples.  One of the couples, who are our very good friends, like us did not have any children at home at the time.  The 3rd couple kept mentioning their kids and the fact that we did not have any.  They asked things like, “How long have you been married?”  We each answered.  Couple #3 followed up with, “So, aren’t you thinking about having kids?”  We each politely tried to dodge the questions and change the subject.  Couple #3 did not take the hints.  I finally had enough.  I wanted to stop this line of questioning.  So, I piped up,”We buried our son a few months ago.”  I thought that the conversation would come to a screeching halt.  I was wrong.  Couple #3 does not miss a beat, “When will you start trying again?”

The past few days I have been once again tempted to share too much information in order to stop a conversation.  We have been receiving many emails about teacher appreciation week at the twins’ preschool.   Each class needs volunteers for a specific time so the teachers can eat a child free (aka peaceful) lunch.  The exact time the volunteers are needed is when Evan and I have a meeting scheduled with a rabbi to discuss Sawyer’s unveiling.

At first I did not reply to the emails.  The emails kept coming.  I drafted the following:

“I am sorry I cannot volunteer for the teacher appreciation lunch because we need to meet with a rabbi so that we can plan our youngest son’s unveiling.  We have had trouble getting the correct headstone.  Now it is here and the rabbi who presided over Sawyer’s funeral took a visiting rabbi assignment up north.  He won’t be back till April.  A very good friend put us in touch with her rabbi.   We are meeting with him at the exact same time you need volunteers.”

I deleted my rambling email and opted for not TMI:

“Sorry again but I just cannot volunteer at that time this week.  If something changes I will let you know asap.  Hope that you have a good night.  Thank you.”

Sometimes less is more.

Things People Say (part 2)

February 6, 2012 at 10:20 pm | Posted in life after loss, life lessons, normal?, twins | 7 Comments
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In my last post I should have included the fact that I am positive I have said, written or done the wrong things at the wrong times.  Almost every time I call my father-in-law, who is a recent widower, I cannot seem to stop myself from starting the conversation with, “How are you?” I try to rephrase the question as soon as it comes out of my mouth but it is always too late.

Over the weekend, I found myself in a conversation with a woman who is thinking about starting infertility treatments.  I feel like I have earned a masters (or at least an honorary degree) in infertility.   At first I started to tell her about the injectables, IUIs and the IVFs.  Luckily, my brain kicked in before I opened my mouth.

I thought back to my life before the twins were born.  Jake had died.  There was no “your baby died, now you get a baby free pass” for me and Evan.  Eventually we boarded the infertility rollercoaster.   The sadness and desperation were all-consuming.  Every month seemed like an eternity.

My friend was in pain and did not need to hear about my depths of despair.  So, instead of sharing my war stories I gave her the phone number of my doctor.  Then I told her if she ever felt like talking I would always be here to listen.

There seem to be endless opportunities in life to say the wrong thing.  It is hard to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and separate out your own feelings.  We all have different experiences.  We start from a variety of places.  Who is to judge what is right and what is wrong?  All we can do is try our best.

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
                                                                      ~Dalai Lama

After I did have the twins one of my favorite friends sent me the link to the video below.  It makes me smile so I thought I would share.

Paranoid Parenting

January 28, 2012 at 11:22 pm | Posted in emergency room, life after loss, normal?, twins | 9 Comments
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I felt my heart racing as I drove down the street towards the twins’ pediatrician.  They were in the back seat.  I hoped they did not sense my panic.  My heart always races just a bit faster when we pass the entrance to the emergency room of the Children’s hospital.  I cannot drive past it without thinking of driving in the ambulance with Sawyer.

Confession #1 – At times I have driven way out of my way to avoid this entrance.  However, passing it is the only good route to the twins’ doctor.

Confession #2 – I have thought about switching pediatricians just so I do not have to drive down this street all the time.  I rule this out because I know that these flashbacks are in my head and I cannot escape them (and I love our pediatrician).

It was the 2nd straight day of high fevers.  Pink eye had definitely returned to our house.  And, as usual I am completely paranoid about their breathing.  Colds, flu, pink eye – it is all part of being a parent.  I know this and I repeatedly remind myself that all kids get sick.  I try to trust my instincts as a mother.  The doubt always creeps in – not matter what I do.  I thought Sawyer was fine the night he died.  My maternal instincts failed me that night – could they fail me again?

I had begged the sick appointment nurse to squeeze us in Friday afternoon.  We were the last appointment.  We got the pink eye medicine and an antibiotic.  Pulsox levels were good.  No irregular heart beats.   My panic started to subside.  I packed the twins back into the car and drove home.

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Dancing Dreidels

December 16, 2011 at 4:00 pm | Posted in Grief, Love, silver lining, twins | 14 Comments
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Today the twins performed in their preschool holiday show.  The first class to come out featured one of our singing candles:

Our other singing candle came out later with her class:

The younger 2-year-old class performed as dancing dreidels.  The class seemed like it was missing someone.  I could almost see the place where Sawyer should have been standing.  I looked around the room to see if anyone else noticed.  The moms who were pregnant at the same time I was pregnant with Sawyer were busy taking pictures of their adorable children. 

I squeezed Evan’s hand and whispered, “this should be Sawyer’s class. . . ”  Evan said, “I know.”  Sawyer should be up on the stage too.  I did not think anyone else noticed his absence. 

I was wrong.

As we were leaving, the twins were piling all their papers and endless other accessories into my arms.  I was trying to hold everything along with the balloons they each had been given.  I accidentally let one go.  I braced myself for the cries to retrieve the balloon.  Instead they said, “Sawyer likes blue, that balloon is for him.  Let the other balloon go too!  The other balloon is for Jake.”

And so I let it go.

Perspective

December 4, 2011 at 11:52 pm | Posted in Grief, Love, mourning, parents | 7 Comments
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We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are.
– Talmud

As a child my parents explained that I was named in memory of my Great Aunt Edith while my brother was named in memory of my mother’s first cousin, Mitchell.  In my mind I rationalized that my great-aunt (my grandmother’s sister) was older and her death was more understandable.  Mitchell, on the other hand, died young.  I could not make sense of this as a child.  It was so terribly sad that Mitchell did not live past his teenage years.  I thought about Mitchell’s living brother and how it must feel to be the sibling left behind.

After Jake died my perspective changed.  I knew Mitchell’s death was of course sad for his brother, but I had never thought about how it impacted Mitchell’s parents, my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George.  They took care of Mitchell.  They had to watch him die from Leukemia.  The helplessness they must have felt.  The lost hopes and dreams.  They were members of the bereaved parent’s club long before I was ever born.

I was very close to my Aunt Sophie (my grandfather’s younger sister).   She and my Uncle George did not have grandchildren.  Mitchell had died young and his brother was not yet married.  I realized this at the age of 8 and decided that did not seem fair.  My grandparents had 5 grandchildren.  In my child’s mind I felt like there was something missing for my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George.

My 8-year-old solution was to volunteer to be an “adopted grandchild” to my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George.  First, I called my grandparents and asked them if it would be okay.  They said yes.  Next, I called my Aunt Sophie and Uncle George and they agreed as well.  Finally, I drafted the “adoption papers.”  It all seemed so simple at the time.  Now as a bereaved parent myself I realize that there is nothing simple about the death of your child.

We could never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world.
– Helen Keller

Dear Sawyer

November 4, 2011 at 12:10 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning | 7 Comments
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Dear Sawyer,
It is difficult for me to believe but in 2 weeks you would have been 2 years old.  We should be planning your birthday party.  The invitations should have been sent.  I should be running last-minute errands to Party City and Michaels. Instead your dad and I are trying to finalize your headstone.  It is mostly your dad.  I am not so good with the headstones.  It should be finalized soon.  I saw Maureen from the cemetery the other day.  I asked her to call me before they put your stone in the ground.  I know it has been ordered and it will arrive one day soon.  I am going to try to prepare myself.  I am going to be extra strong so that I do not lose it when I see your name in stone.  It is just so permanent. 

Your daddy and I are also figuring out your unveiling.  I wish more than anything we were discussing how many cupcakes to order for your birthday party.  People have told me that we do not have to have an unveiling.  I know.  When your child dies there are very few rules you have to follow. But, in my heart it feels wrong not to do anything (not nearly as wrong as you dying).   We will figure it out.  Sometimes it is just so hard. We have to move forward.  We have to breathe.  We have to live in a world without you and your brother. 

I miss you so much sweet Sawyer.  Where are you?  Wherever you are please know how much your mommy loves you.  I like to think that you are playing with Jake.  Mom Mom and Grandmother are taking care of you.   I love you baby boy, I will see you in my dreams.  

Love always,
Mommy

Trick or Treat & Too Tired

November 2, 2011 at 11:50 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, silver lining, twins | 9 Comments
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It was a game day decision for the twins.  They decided over a month before Halloween that they were going to be a rocket and a unicorn.  This decision was prompted by the fact that I could not get them to leave Target without these costumes.  I was too tired that day to fight with them.  I am often tired.  I am sure that most, if not all parents are sleep deprived to some extent.   I know exhaustion is linked to depression.  In my alternate universe where Jake and Sawyer did not die would I be so tired?

I took the easy way out.  I opted to avoid a double meltdown and bought the costumes.

As I expected they changed their minds quite a few times before the big day.

The Viking and the Dress Up with the Umbrella were ruled out because they belong to our good friends who live in Colorado.

The crazy hair was ruled out because I cannot recreate that or anything closely resembling that hair do.

The others each were vetoed for some other reason.  And, we ended up back at the rocket and the unicorn. (Just in case you are wondering, that is pumpkin bowling in the last picture).

The extremely tired Cat in the Hat rallied for Halloween long enough to follow the rocket and the unicorn to a few houses for trick or treating.  Then the rocket offered to go home and help pass out candy.  Overall, it was a successful night.  No major meltdowns and no one turned into a pumpkin.

No Bones About It

October 24, 2011 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief | 7 Comments
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I like Halloween decorations just as much as most people. Although, in college I did ask my freshman year roommate to raise the bats she had hung from our dorm room ceiling. I did this not because I am anti Halloween but because I am about 6 inches taller than her and I hit my head on them every time I crossed the room. I did feel pretty bad when she got upset that I had asked to raise up the bats and took down all the decorations – but that is a different story.

I really only like happy Halloween decorations. Pumpkins are great. Ghosts I am good with. I can even deal with the headstones in the lawn. I am just not so good with bones.

I cannot quite put into words why it bothers me. I know it has to do with Jake and Sawyer. It is all good for other houses but I have made a no bones rule in my house. So far no one has challenged the rule.

October

October 2, 2011 at 11:58 pm | Posted in Grief | 10 Comments
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Along with being Breast Cancer Awareness month, October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month.  Did you know that 2,000 women/men lose their babies in 1 day (and that is in the United States alone)?

Myths vs. the truth about pregnancy/infant loss:

Myth: Losing a baby is very uncommon; it won’t happen to me or someone I know.

Truth:

  • 25-50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage (pregnancy.org).
  • Stillbirths (the death of a baby after 20 weeks gestation) occur in one in every 160 pregnancies–about 60 stillborn babies every single day (March of Dimes).
  • Each year, in the US alone, about 20,000 babies die in their first month of life, many after being born prematurely (March of Dimes).
  • SIDS is the leading cause of death among infants ages 1 month to 1 year.

 

Myth: Pregnancy/infant loss is something that happens to older moms, overweight moms, or moms with health issues.

Truth: “Baby loss” does not discriminate. Often, it’s young, perfectly healthy women who experience the loss of a baby. The Faces of Loss are of ALL kinds of women–young, old, black, white, thin, obese–pregnancy/infant loss can strike anyone.

 

Myth: Miscarriages and Stillbirths are usually caused by a lack of prenatal care or something else the mother did during her pregnancy.

Truth:

  • Almost 100% of miscarriages could not have been prevented, with the majority being caused by chromosomal abnormalities.
  • 25% of Stillbirths are caused by placental problems; 15% are caused by an infection; 2-4% are caused by umbilical cord problems, and 50% have no known cause of death whatsoever. While there are risk factors to be aware of (smoking, for instance), the overwhelming majority of stillbirths are completely out of the mother’s control.

 

Myth: A woman who has just lost a baby wants to forget it ever happened and move on with her life.

Truth: While this may be true for some, many are dying to talk about the child they lost, especially if it was a late-term pregnancy loss or infant loss. The chance to talk freely about their baby(ies), without feeling like they are making everyone uncomfortable, is something many, many women who have lost a baby wish for.

The information above is from I am the Face.  Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope tries to put real stories and faces with all of these statistics.

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